Wednesday, March 13, 2013


We as people are in love with the thought of being in love. That is why we read romance novels. That is why we adore love stories. That is why love ballads are popular. Why there are hundreds of videos on youtube showing our favorites kiss scenes form movies and tv shows. We as individuals live to love. We long to be loved. Love is amazing and makes you feel slightly insane with the joy of it. When it is good it is terrific and when it is bad it is awful.
Finding love is simple enough. Finding the right love is much harder. Loving can only be real love if you love yourself. Loving yourself enough to know that if it's a bad relationship you need to let it go. Loving yourself enough to know that you deserve respect and honesty.
To be treated well you have to first realize that you are worthy to be treated well. Most of us have no idea that what we accept in relationships is how we feel we should be treated. My first marriage was a disaster  I felt I deserved the crap that he pushed on me. I deserved to be talked down too. I deserved to be told I was nothing. I was too fat and then too skinny. I was too dumb but used to many big words. I deserved to be cheated on and lied too. And I believed him.
After the divorce I realized the crap I put up with. I realized I had never learned to love myself and so I let others treat me the way I saw myself. I wasn't in love I was just in love with the thought of love.
I do not let others treat me that way anymore. I have real love now. I am thankful for the experience that showed me what I was doing to myself. What I allowed others to do to me.
I love me. I accept me. I don't need anyone to validate that. I don't need anyone to tell me what to think or how I should feel. I expect to be treated with the dignity and respect I deserve. I will not waste my time on those that can not or will not take the time to see me for who I am. I am not their mother's and I do not have time to teach them how to behave. I choose who I spend my time with. I choose who I talk to. I get to choose because it is my life and I am in control of myself. It is very freeing to realize that.
Abuse is invisible at first. It slowly creeps up on you until you are in the middle of it. You get so tangled up in it that you do not realize that is the life you are living. Your self esteem is washed away and you begin to doubt yourself and hate yourself at the same time. Real love is many things but it is never abusive. No one deserves to be treated that way.
                                        Neurotic Nelly

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