I have been so stressed. So stressed I feel like everything inside me is wound up too tightly like a cheap pocket watch. Like my springs are about to pop and my gears are about to break. My shoulders have been so tense that I swear to God, I could chop wood with them. I have been in a state of constant nausea. I have lost the ability to sleep with any kind of normalcy, even for an insomniac. In the last four days I have slept only six hours. I am exhausted but too stressed to relax. Too freaked out to fall asleep. Too full of anxiety and worry to nod off.
My face is puffy and the circles under my eyes are so dark it looks like someone used my eyes for a punching bag. And I don't think I have ever been so stressed out in my entire life. I am almost certain if I can't distract myself I will end up having a heart attack. I now understand the meaning behind the phrase mental distress.
It all started with my oldest child's school again. Let's just say a teacher was extremely rude to me, refused to make any plan to help my son, and laughed at me while telling me to stop making excuses for my son. This was about a homework assignment that he spent two hours writing that she marked as a zero because he forgot to put a title on it. He is in college prep classes but has a learning disability and is expected to be able to keep up with the gifted kids and even those kids find what she teaches a struggle. No exceptions, no behavior modification plan, no support. Nothing. He gets nothing and because of that he is failing. I am devastated, frustrated, and just plain angry. I called the school board, the principal, and now a lawyer. I am sick of this shit.
I am worried when I send him to school. He has so little self esteem left and I feel like those teachers just suck the little bits left, out of him. Like self esteem leaches or something. I worry about him coming home with the self defeated look on his face and him calling himself stupid...again. I am his mother, he is struggling, and I am worried. I don't know what else to do to make it better. The teachers refuse to help so I feel helpless. We are supposed to be working together to help support my son. It isn't happening.
It doesn't just upset me because they are being totally unprofessional and in my opinion harassing ( that is upsetting by itself), but it brings up all of my anxieties I had in school dealing with my OCD. I had to drop out because my anxiety attacks became so bad. I feel like that every morning now. Not an attack because I have to go to school but an attack because he has to. My anxiety is going overboard and I can not seem to get it under control. It ebbs away only to flash back and slap me in the face again. I am so tired.
I am hoping the lawyer can scare them enough to make them act and stop dragging their heels until school is out, which is what I believe they are doing. I hope that by me taking legal action they will never end up doing this to another person with a learning disability. That they will understand that this is damaging to the child and just plain wrong. I hope anyway. It all makes me very sad and it makes me feel helpless and I so detest feeling that way.
Because I have OCD I haven't been able to shake loose from thinking about it. I cant get the sound of her voice while she snickered at me out of my head. The way my pulse raced and my heart started beating rapidly like I had just got done running a marathon while she insulted my son and tried to intimidate me over the phone. I can not stop worrying about whether my son was chastised in class for his not being able to focus in class again. It has truly become an anxiety ridden hell for me the last few days. I so hope that the lawyer can do something. I hope, I hope, I hope.
I am not sure how long this takes but I hope to God it starts moving faster or I may never be able to sleep again at this rate. I am going to tty and remain positive. Try being the optimal word here. Oh well, here's hoping it all gets worked out, my son gets the help he not only needs but deserves, and that some of this anxiety takes a damn vacation.
Until next time peeps, keep on keeping on.