Sorry about missing my usual posting on Tuesday but there was this smell in my bathroom that needed to be eradicated. I would have written but I was busy scrubbing, washing, and losing my mind. I got rid of the smell though.....I think.
Smells are a trigger for me. I am sensitive to odors and I can not stand smells that don't belong. It's a real thing for me.
Now that the offensive odor is gone, I am back. Ta Da!
Not much else going on currently except I am having issues with people pressuring me for my birthday plans and it is starting to trigger my OCD. I find I am irritated. The upside being that my house is the cleanest it has ever been and my laundry is done....which is huge because I hate doing laundry with every fiber of my being. The downside being that I am overwhelmed and stressed out.
And then it hits me.....I am still dealing with the same issues I always have. The same issues all of us that suffer have. I have been suffering for over thirty years and still people that know me expect me to be fine with stress, or plans, or pressure. I mean seriously?!?
I am just flabbergasted. I really am. I mean, these people know me. They have heard my life stories, they have even been present in most of them and yet somehow they conveniently forget I have issues.....it's remarkable to me. Sucky and unfair and frustrating, but also remarkable how people can just overlook such a completely obvious fact. An obvious fact that has hung around my neck like a fucking tire iron all of my life and yet....no one remembers it when they want something. My struggles become invisible to them because I appear to be doing so well so nothing must be wrong with me. It's all in my head....
And they are right, it is all in my head. My mind is flawed. I have issues. I keep telling people this and yet they look at me like I faking it or overreacting. Well, I think I know my own mind and my own mind is screaming at me to avoid this whole stressful situation but those people that know me keep pushing it in my face. I don't know if I even want a birthday now. It is stressing me out so much, I just want to sit down and cry. I want to sit down and wail at all of the ridiculousness of the whole fucking thing. Birthdays are supposed to be a celebration. I don't feel like celebrating. I feel like locking myself in the closet and ignoring the world. I feel like grieving rather than celebrating. Why can't things just be simple? Why does it have to be some long drawn out situation with issues and hiccups and guilt trips and emotions? Can't it just be something easy?
And so I sit here writing this, trying not to have a panic attack over a stupid birthday party for my mother and I and I am just sick of all of it. I am so stressed and I don't want to hear another fucking thing about it. I don't care if there are gifts, or cake, or food, or family there. I don't care where we are supposed to go or what we are supposed to do. I feel let down by everyone because every plan I try to come up with to be helpful fails or is shot down. I don't care anymore. I simply don't want to deal with it. I don't want to worry about it. I don't want to even think about it.
It just leaves me feeling dejected and exhausted.....Sigh....
I am sorry this post isn't very uplifting but today just really sucks. I am sure that it will all work itself out, or it won't and I just end up watching crappy reruns on t.v. in the dark with my cats.... Either way I am not going to worry about it anymore.