Tuesday, October 21, 2014

My First Test.....

People with OCD are fantastic actors. We look normal. We blend into most any situation. We hide our symptoms as often as we can the best that we can and most of the time no one has any idea there is something broken in our minds.

For instance, I may be in an elevator with a group of people. There may seem to be too many people on the elevator but I have to be on it too. I don't outwardly freak out but inside my OCD is freaking out," What if we are exceeding the weight limit? What if this whole things comes tumbling down?" and God forbid, someone sneeze or cough in the elevator with me in it. However, all you see in this situation is me with a fake smile plastered all over my face. You see a polite, normal person. You see a woman, a mother, an individual. What you don't see is that this woman, mother, and individual is screaming inside of her mind.

I have been out of hand sanitizer for two weeks now. I have been out of the house three times. It has been unbelievably hard. My first test was going to the doctors office. I had to sign in with some mechanical machine with a stylus, I damn well know everyone and their dog's have touched. I had to touch door knobs and chairs and elevator buttons (things I usually avoid by using my sleeve instead of my fingers). I searched for any hand sanitzer in the office with desperation and found nothing. Sure, I looked calm on the outside but on the inside I was screaming. I was totally freaked out. The Price is Right was on the office television. The beeps of the wheel turned into a long annoying sound of dings and pings. The audience clapping became a loud obnoxious murmur. The sounds of the people in the doctors office became a background noise. A cough, a sneeze, some woman in tight pants and an animal print shirt continued to clear her throat and make annoying sniffing sounds while she read something on her cell phone....and then my brain took over. Everything faded away and the silence came. I no longer heard or tasted or smelled. The only sense left in my body was feeling the germs. Then out of the corner of my eye I saw my saving grace, a wall with a hand sanitizer pump on it. Hallelujah! I walked quickly over to it and pumped the glorious germ killing miracle gel all over my hands. Relief!

Then a few days later I went to the grocery store. Again this is where I would have used my hand sanitizer at anytime I would feel the start of the OCD contamination and germ fears but I did not have my fall back hand sanitizer. I seemed happy on the outside but on the inside my mind was reeling." Don't touch the cart, don't touch the counter, Leave the package of raw meat alone, germs, germs, germs, germs...tainted, tainted, tainted...dirty, dirty, dirty...."
I was so worried and anxious through the whole experience that I totally forgot to buy hand santizer for myself. I made it through and made it home without touching my face with my tainted hands, and then promptly washed my hands as soon as I walked through the door....Relief!

I need to get more sanitizer but I am kinda stoked I was able to get through both of my major triggers without my trusty hand sanitizer and still made it through with out an outward, ugly,extreme breakdown in public. Which is exciting because a few years ago I am not sure that would have been possible.

Neurotic Nelly


  1. So when I think of my OCD, I feel sorry for myself. It totally impacts my life, my relationships. But then I read your blog post and I feel like I'm a poseur or just a big baby. I leave the house every day. I can eat food off of the floor. I've definitely got "issues", but on a scale from 1 to 10, I feel like I must be down in the 2 range. I do feel compelled to wash my hands every time I return to my office, but since I work in a community center with a child care & gym, I think of this as a normal precaution. I'm happy for you that you are pushing your boundaries. I know from experience it always helps, but it is painful the whole way. Keep it up! - Charley.

  2. CP, thank you so much! OCD, even if the symptoms are different, still is one hell of an uphill battle. You are not a poser nor a big baby. The crap OCD puts in a person's head is just awful. Your symptoms may just be different than mine but that in no way makes it any less of a struggle or any less hard to deal with. And severity, in my opinion, doesn't make it any less time consuming and difficult either. OCD is hell anyway you look at it. But we are strong people and we will battle on and keep trying. I still have yet to buy hand sanitizer and even with my fear of Ebola (which I have had for years not just recently) it makes it even harder for me to go places but I know sanitizer doesn't do anything for Ebola anyway. And I want to keep trying to fight and take my life back. I am holding off buying sanitizer for as long as I can. I guess it is a weird form of CBT or something lol. I may not succeed but than again nothing is ever accomplished if you don't at first try.....so I guess this is me trying lol. Thank you again :)

  3. The odd thing about OCDs is their uniqueness. You have your own version, and they sound bad. Mine are owned by me. You mentioned in a previous post that your background image was from a clothing article....something of your grandmothers?

    Its great, but what's driving me nuts is you didn't match that pattern where it melds together in the middle of the page. Like hanging wallpaper, most people make the print or pattern line up. So whenever I come here its like AUUGGGH screaming voice inside my head bitching about the lack of symmetrical balance.

    At the same time, I rarely wash my hands. We are so bizarre....... :)

    1. Lol TR believe me the background not melding together bothers me too, but it wouldn't stretch to fit the screen and I tried for two whole hours till I just gave up! I have no idea why it wouldn't work but I find whenever you take your own photo rather than using one of theirs the only way it will fill the whole screen is when they "tile" it. I hoping they fix that issue at some point. and yes my friend, we are bizarre :)