Tuesday, December 9, 2014

You Just Can't See It Yet......

I keep seeing this floating around on the internet and it bothers me...

Gag...I am not a feminist, at least I don't think I am. I kinda feel like if you are a feminist, you know you are such. Right? I don't think I am a feminist but I am a realist. I don't blame men for everything. I don't feel like they are the cause of all evil or that everything wrong with our society is entirely their fault. No it is all of our faults. Both men and women.

This sign bothers me for many reasons. What does this even mean? Is it implying that you are fragile trinket that has fallen from a shelf? That you are a broken vase that needs to be glued back together with love and gorilla glue? 

I get irritated by this saying and it's notions. Like the fact that it implies that to be whole you have to someone else fix you. Or the fact that it seems to imply that one should just wait around while their broken pieces lay all over the place until your knight in shining armor comes to your rescue. Or even, that you need to be saved in the first place.....

I don't agree with this odd notion that you have to be rescued from yourself by someone else. That is simply not true. There are tons of people in this word that seem to think this way. That they just need someone else to save them or to make them feel "complete". I see this a lot more in younger women and girls and it perplexes me. They are constantly waiting around for Sr Galahad to come traipsing out of the wood riding upon a strong white steed, whilst saving you from your own self esteem issues, emotional baggage, and whatever else is tormenting you at the moment.

Here is something that these over romantic, immature, ridiculous memes don't tell you, you don't need to have someone save you. You have to do that yourself. You have to put in the work. You have to look at yourself and work on your issues first, before you even think about getting involved with someone else. It is not their place to fix your broken pieces, it is yours. Don't wait around for a knight in shining armor to come to the rescue because sometimes your knight in shining armor turns out to be just an idiot wrapped in tin foil. What do you do then? Who is going to hold you so tight your broken pieces fit now? Certainly not Sir Galahasn't. Take it from me. I dated him in high school, married and divorced his cousin Sir Galacan't, and I have went out with a bunch of Sir Gala-not-worth-the-time-I-spent-fixing-my-hair. It is not their fault that it didn't work out as much as it is my fault for thinking I needed them to complete me in the first place.  

What I have learned in my "old age" is that the things I deal with, my issues, my "broken pieces" don't need to be held together my someone else. Hell, they may not even need to be held in at all.  Sometimes it is perfectly okay to let them lay around on the floor and let me look at them so that I can decide on how to fix them. I can decide on if I need to glue them back in place or not. What I have learned is that, relationships are hard work and if you are too busy hating yourself, then you can't let anyone else love you. You don't have time to keep up the relationship because you are always expecting the other person to heal your wounds and make you whole. In realty, you should choose to be with that person not feel as if you can't live without them. You can. You can stand on your own. You can be whole without being in a relationship. You can conquer your fears, your issues, and your baggage all by yourself (and maybe with some therapy). 

If I could interject a better meme it would say something like this:

"Love yourself. Heal yourself. Know your worth as person. For one day you will hold yourself so tight that all of your broken pieces will fit back together. "

Because you don't need saving. You don't need the proverbial  mythical "someone" you just need you. 
Because you are strong all by yourself. You are brave all by yourself. You are capable all by yourself. You just can't see it yet.

Neurotic Nelly


  1. I define it a bit differently. I don't think romantic relationship when I read that. I think caring relationship. Like the one I have with you. We share hugs often. Virtual maybe, but hugs. However, I love what you said about gluing your own pieces together. That is awesome. And I think it is SO totally true. In any case, I love the way you express your thoughts. Sometimes I can just imagine you being in the room with me and talking. Awesome!

    1. Thanks Judy. :) I think there is a problem with younger women feeling as if they need to be rescued and not seeing that they are the people to rescue themselves. I think as women, we often times feel validated by our relationships and not necessarily by who were are as people and that is wrong. We are what we seek but we do not know that because we are constantly told we need to be rescued. Relationships are wonderful but they don't make you a a whole person. They just make you a pair. You are already a whole person from the start.

  2. I think this is so true! The only person who has the real power to change yourself is you. Sometimes this takes a while for people to accept not because we don't think its true, just because it means that we are responsible for ourselves. I suppose modern fairytales and movies don't really help either. I really enjoyed this article. Big hugs and love :)

  3. Self made man? You know, the term "He's a self made man? As in some version of parthenogenesis? Never seen it happen yet. Nor for a female. Everyone relies on others for something at some point in our lives.

    I'm a humanist. Not a Feminist, not a Maninist (Maleinist?) just a humanist. My title, ego nor masculinity is not threatened by the acknowledgement that we....all human beings.....need others to help us in life. If someone, or a group of people, or the ideology taught by others, or a group hug can help "fix" someone, or a bunch of us....nothing wrong with that. I mean if you look at the state of the world right now, the inhumanity towards others, we are in dire need of some sort of "fix".....and soon.

    Or maybe just some high-speed noogies. :)

    1. I mainly mean the way women as little girls keep having the idea pushed at them that they are nothing without a man/relationship/partner.That their whole worth in life is to be coveted and admired. That they need to be rescued and should wait around for "prince charming" to come and save them. It starts with the stories of Cinderella, Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, Rapunzel....ect. It then stems into the belief that we must fit a certain mold to obtain said prince charming by dieting, plastic surgery,, skimpy clothing, dumbing down... You have girls as young as twelve thinking they need to be sexy or attractive to the opposite sex. (wtf?) It helps create and perpetuate the idea that women are not thinking, breathing, living humans but only prized for their sexuality. It is one of the many causes of feeling not good enough and having poor self image as a woman. It can lead to eating disorders. It is way deeper than simply a meme. It is a generation of young women forgetting their roots and struggles of the past to get us as a gender to where we are now and buying into the idea that they can not be whole without someone else telling them that they are. Everyone needs support. Everyone needs loved ones. This isn't a meme about that. It is an idea that one can not or is not capable of working on oneself and accepting oneself without a person to swoop down and hold you together. It speaks of waiting on a fantasy rather than loving oneself first. As someone who did that at a young age, married that supposed "prince charming", was stuck in an unhealthy/toxic relationship with him because of it....I feel the need to tell girls that it is perfectly okay not to wait for the prince and start working on yourself by yourself first. Know who you are first because no one can truly love you if you don't love yourself, simply because you are unable to let them. You will always doubt them. You will always feel inadequate. No one can fix you but you. They can support you, hug you, be there for you but they can not change you. That has to be your choice and yours alone. And if that doesn't work....noogies are an excellent idea too :)

  4. HA.
    Oh wow I love this entry, Nelly. So much.
    I could have written it all myself and have said much of it, in one form or another, at different points in my life. If we are looking we need to find our partner, not our "missing piece".

    Love it.