A Letter.....

I didn't post last week because I was working on this post. Not because I had writer's block (as I sometimes do) but because I wanted this post to mean exactly what I wanted and needed it to mean and to represent something that I dearly wished someone had said to me in the beginning, when I was first diagnosed. It would have been a help to know that life was going to go on and that I would be able to handle whatever mental illness threw my way, even when many times I was not sure of that fact. Maybe this is but a small window into my life but also maybe it could help anyone else struggling to make sense of their diagnosis and all of the unknowns that follow when you live your life under the label of being mentally ill.


Dear self,

When you are first diagnosed with a mental illness, there are some adjectives you are going to hear that are unflattering and a tad bit scary. You will wrestle with whether or not these adjectives are true. It will be hard and humbling and frustrating. It will be an eye opener to how differently people treat you with your diagnosis instead of how they treat you if you had something physical happen to you like a heart attack. There will be those that do not understand and shun you. There will be those that pity you or fear you. It is almost as if your diagnoses has changed who you are in their eyes and they are blinded by the words "mental illness" and unable to see you through those words. It won't be everyone in your life (thank God) but you will see it. Then and only then, will you come to understand the stigma that surrounds carrying around the moniker of being "mentally ill".

Not to fret, we all have walked down this path and learned which winding roads to avoid and which ones are safe to cross. We have all heard the negative adjectives describing our umbrella diagnoses and we are not impressed. We know them to be false and about as scary as two years old's favorite teddy bear. These adjectives are not based in reality and are completely created by ignorance and apathy. We are not bad, or dangerous, or freaks. We are not weak, or lazy, or attention seeking. We are not broken, or ugly, or damaged goods. That is the stigma talking and we need not listen to it's lies and unfair and untrue accusations. It doesn't matter where it comes from or whose mouths it pours from. We are none of those things. You are none of those things.

Having a mental illness is not something to beat yourself up about. It isn't your fault or because of something you did or did not do. It is not something you can help or something that you choose. It is not indicative of your strength as an individual.  It does not speak for your personality. It does not mean that you have all of a sudden become weak, less than, stupid, worthless, or undesirable. It changes nothing about who you are as a person. All it means is that you have a different struggle to deal with.

Yes, there will be times you are on the floor balling your eyes out and wiping away the snot with sleeve of your sweater wondering ,"What the fuck am I doing? What good am I to the world? What life can I possibly lead? What is the point in all of this?"

There will be times when you believe the negative adjectives stated above because it is so much easier to believe the bad lies about yourself rather than the good truths. Because you now doubt who you are, now that you have a label placed upon your head like a two day old ham hock or a discontinued piece of Tupperware. And there are always ignorant people willing to step on you further when you are already down....be weary of those that trample on you and use your diagnoses as an excuse to treat you like dirt. You deserve better than that.

I can not tell you that life is going to be easy or that you will come out of being mentally ill unscathed. That is not reality. Reality is, that you will struggle against the tides until your arms ache and your chest hurts and you are out of breath. You will try and try and try and fail. You will pray and beg and plead and get discouraged. You will.... and then you will get off your ass and up off of the floor and slowly and deliberately carve out a life for yourself because you deserve a good life. Because you are strong. Even though you can't see it yet. Even though you doubt the validity of that strength. Even though, right now you look in the mirror and fail to see yourself as anything but weak and broken. You will prevail. You will one day see that you are never broken and are incapable of being something as paltry as weak. Because being mentally ill doesn't define you anymore than being diabetic does. Because you were never a quitter and failure is not an option. Because struggling against stigma makes your muscles stronger and your responses wittier and you always have liked a challenge. Because you can only see what you are truly made of in the face of adversity.  Yes, you will struggle....but you will also learn who you are during that struggle. You will learn what is important to you and how much courage it takes to be someone with mental illness and still be present in your own life. To still be who you are in the face of stigma and ignorance. To still be compassionate and kind and brave and honest and open. Because mental illness can do many things but it can not change who you are deep down and neither can other people's judgments and stupidity.

So, don't fret. You are going to be fine. No, you are going to better than fine, you are going to be strong. And you are going to realize that you have a purpose with mental illness. It could be to have your dream job in spite of your struggles, or raise happy healthy kids, or to go back to school and learn something new, or to advocate and fight for others that are just like you. And all of those purposes are just as good as any other purpose in life.   Because, fundamentally, this is your life and it is you who gets to decide just how much you are willing to surrender to stigma and bias. Only you can stand up for you. It doesn't matter if you are in a room full of other people that believe in you, if you don't believe in yourself, it will never work. So believe in yourself, because you can do this. In fact, you already have.

Neurotic Nelly

She, We, I......

The other day I was searching on the web to see if I could find some "believe" quotes. You know, believe in yourself, you are strong, you are capable, ect.  It is something I think everyone needs to hear and many of us do not hear it often enough. Those that suffer from mental illness tend not to hear it at all or worse yet, it simply fails to truly sink in. It falls on deaf ears that are either too unwilling or too broken to accept it. We don't always hear the the positive. What we do hear is a lot of negative. "You are fat, you are stupid, you are ugly, you are worthless, why can't you just be normal, Oh my God, you are so messed up"... and that is just our minds talking. God only knows what some of us have to endure from the outside as well.

It can be really hard to believe that we are good, worthy, strong, capable individuals. After all, if you call someone by a certain name long enough they will answer to it. What  do we call ourselves?  Weird? Freakish? Stupid? Worthless? Unlovable? Unacceptable? Broken? Damaged goods? Are these the names we allow ourselves to answer to? 

I found more positive quotes than you could shake a stick at, but the one that resonated with me, the one that spoke to the dark corners of my soul and peeled back it's dry rotted wallpaper was, "She believed she could, so she did."

I let it roll around on my tongue as I read it aloud. It sat heavy in the air like an accusing glance. It stuck in my throat and forced me to heave my breath in large gasps around the obstruction like an exhausted horse that has been ran too hard....I have been running too hard so much so, that I am sometimes no longer able to tell if I am running to something or away from it.

These words brightened the light-less places in my mind, it shed me of my negative thoughts much like a snake sheds old tattered skin. It rebirthed me and baptized me by fire. It made me ponder just what on earth I am allowing myself to believe about myself. That I am incapable? Do I really believe that I am incapable of being who I want or of doing what I want to do?

 She believed.

 She could.

 So she did.

I am not incapable. Yes, there are somethings I have issues with. There is definitely things I do not do well. There are situations that I may falter at or even completely suck at. But there are also things I excel at. There are times when I am functioning at maxim capacity, kicking butt and taking names. There are things that I am extremely talented at. And the things I can't do I can work around and still get the desired affect in most cases. I am complicated and different and even sometimes a handful but I am never incapable as a person. I am never incapable as a human being. I am never incapable.

I don't know why we tell ourselves that we can't. I don't know why it is easier to believe the bad things about ourselves rather than believe and revel in the good. I do not understand why we accept and allow ourselves to name ourselves things we are not and worse yet, we allow ourselves to believe them over and over again for years. What are these ridiculous and harmful notions that we keep perpetuating to ourselves and why?

Why is it so hard to believe that we CAN? We can do things even if they have to be done in a different way. We can find love. We can be happy. We can be honest and whole and accepted. And not just that we CAN but we ARE. We are lovable. We are strong. We are good people. We are allowed to accept ourselves and live happy lives. We are worthy and magnificent and unique and spectacular. We are what makes life different and colorful and beautiful...We CAN and we ARE.

Instead of She believed she could so she did, I think we should change the She to I. I think anytime we get bogged down and scared, anytime we fear failure or success, anytime we get that overwhelmingly niggling negative voice tells us we can't, we aren't, or we won't  that we look in the mirror at our bloodshot eyes, our exhausted faces, and at our pain stricken grimaces and tell ourselves the truth. It should be the first thing we say when we are under the covers trying to dredge up the will to get out of the bed in the morning. It should be the substance we stir in our morning cup of coffee with the cream and spelnda. The mantra we say when we are brushing our teeth, the comment we make after we read the paper, what we say after each negative thought, each step we place firmly on the ground, with every heartbeat, every sigh, every intake and exhalation of breath. The one thing we tell ourselves every moment of ever day because we are worth it. Because we deserve to hear it and what's more, we deserve to believe it. 

It shouldn't be just: 

She believed. 

She could.

So she did.

It should be:

We believed. 

We could.

 So we did.

and:

I believe. 

I can.

So I will.

Because it is true. Because we can. Because we matter. Because we are worth it.

Neurotic Nelly