Embrace

Everyone judges themselves. People with mental illness just cant seem to stop judging themselves so harshly. We can't seem to truly forgive ourselves for not being perfect. We tend to say such horrid things about ourselves. We use such damaging words. Stupid, crazy, selfish, unlovable, unacceptable, unworthy, ugly. We are none of these things. These words are not true and yet we all have called ourselves these things at one time or another. I have no idea why we do this. Why do we hold ourselves to such high standards but seem fine with not holding "normal" people to the same standards? Because we think we should be able to do things that we can not and then we blame ourselves? We punish ourselves. Destined to stand in the corner ashamed. Why?
No one is perfect. There is no shame in asking for help. There is nothing that we should blame ourselves for. You don't blame a person with a disease for their illness. Why do we blame ourselves for ours? Why are we so harsh and judgmental on ourselves? Everyone deserves acceptance and understanding. Everyone makes mistakes. We grow and we learn from them. We are not bad people. We just tend to think we are. Why?
Stigma is very real and we buy into it's propaganda. We allow other's to say the things deep down we believe. It took me years to realize I am not bad, ugly, or crazy. I am me. I am a woman living with mental illness. It is my albatross. It is my disease. I am not ashamed of it. Why should I be? I can't help that I have it. I have made poor decisions in the past. I dare you to find someone who has not been reckless or done something stupid. We are human. We are not Barbie dolls or glass figurines. We are not perfect. I refuse to judge myself harshly. What is the point? I can not change who I am. I will still have a mental illness in the morning. There is no magic potion or pill that will take it away. I am not going to waste my life being angry at myself. I have accepted who I am and all that goes with it. Am I selfish? Sometimes. Sometimes I don't want to share my candy or I want to be alone. Am I stupid? No, but I have made poor choices that seem stupid. Am I crazy? I am mentally ill not insane. I am not crazy, I am altered. Am I unlovable? No one is unlovable. As Marilyn  Monroe said, If you can not handle me at my worst then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best. Am I unacceptable? Only if I can not accept myself. I accept myself so, no I am not unacceptable. Am I unworthy? Of course not. Everyone is worthy. I may not be able to do some things. I may make mistakes but I get right back up and try again. I am worthy in this world, and so are you. Am I ugly? Beauty is a fickle thing. I am not a size zero. I am not a model or actress. I am a bright, funny, loving, loyal person. I am an honest, respectful, kind person. I am beautiful because I believe that beauty is more than straight teeth and perfect hair. It is more than high fashion and starving yourself. I believe that my personality shines through and makes me beautiful. I am not a doll, I am a woman. I am not perfect but am I beautiful? Your damn right I am. And if you don't agree, Hey that's your opinion and you know what they say about opinions. Why we harbor these bad thoughts toward ourselves is a mystery. Why we refuse to accept that we can be broken and beautiful at the same time, I will never know. But we can and we are. We are worthy of all life has to offer. We are lovable, strong, and beautiful. We are unique. When you start hearing the lies we tell ourselves, the negative and foul degrading comments, do me a favor. Block them out and start telling yourself the things that make you who you are. Start whispering to yourself the unique things that make you different and magnificent. Don't put yourself down. You are worth so much more than that. We are all unique. We are all amazing. We are all lost souls bumping into the walls trying to get out and find our purpose. Your purpose is just to be the unique, inspiring, one of a kind person that you are. We can change the world if we just learn to end the stigma without falling victim to it. We are not victims, we are fighters. We can find peace and acceptance. We can heal. We just have to learn to accept ourselves first. We are the color in a world full of grey. We are the unique in a world full of boring. Embrace that we are different and accept that it is ok to do so. Embrace that we are the ghosts in the machine. We are the fish in the waters. We are whatever we want ourselves to be. Embrace yourself and look around and see the world like I do. Free of self hatred. Free of negativity. Free of fear that I am not good enough. We are all good enough.
                                                        Neurotic Nelly

Your Personal Normal

In watching a movie last night I was smacked in the face with a realization. Everyone lives in their own personal state of normal. The people that really smell no longer smell the stench because they are used to it. It has become their normal. While others are horrified of how they stink, they are unable to smell anything out of place. The people that live in houses full of hoard are able to deny how bad it is not due just to denial but because it has become what they are accustomed too. It is their own personal normal. The woman that has an alcoholic husband most likely has had an alcoholic parent making her life with the dysfunction seem normal. That doesn't mean it isn't painful or damaging. It just means we turn a blind eye to it. We become hardened by it. It becomes our version of normal.
Why are we so surprised when the many of the kids in the inner cities get in trouble or become gang members? If all they have seen day after day is drug addicted parents or gang violence does it not become their version of normal. It would horrify most of us the things these children have seen or lived through but then that is not something we have experienced on a daily basis. It damages and hardens them, it is sadly their normal. Until someone shows them a different path to a different normal. Sometimes it is hard to see that the things we do or live with may not in fact be normal to others. They may even be harmful. Humans have an uncanny way to adapt. As such we conform to our surroundings. Our habits change and if not brought to our attention can become common place. Case in point at some point I have picked up the mouth of a sailor. I curse way too much. I am not talking about dropping something on your foot or stepping on a leggo in the middle of the night while trying to get to the bathroom. I curse in almost every conversation. I don't even realize I do it. It has become my normal. There is nothing really wrong with cursing except I really don't want my children to grow up not being able to hold a conversation without dropping the f bomb every few sentences. I can just see their first job interview.

Hi, Mr. Brown, thanks for @&$&@ seeing me today. I am really @&$@&$ excited to work for your @$&&@$&@$@ company.....

If normal for me is to curse all the time it becomes normal for my children to hear it and eventually repeat it. If normal for you is to live in an abusive situation it will be normal for your children to repeat it or live with it as adults. Our normal becomes their normal and the cycle goes on. Maybe the best option is to take a deep breath. Close our eyes, count to three and really look at what we as adults are doing and saying. Is this what we want to pass on to our children? Is this something we need to change? Is this an acceptable normal that will make them happy for the rest of their lives? Words are powerful. They promote change, prevent riots, start wars, calm fears, spread love and understanding. What words should we be giving others as tools in their lives? Actions are powerful. They are what compels us to do what we do? Are we doing what we should? Are we giving what we need too? Are we being the role models we wish we had as children?
Is our own personal normal damaged or healthy? Helpful or harmful? If it is bad shouldn't we try to change that? Don't we owe it to not only ourselves but those that come after us to at least attempt to change our personal normal to something greater. I don't want to be hardened at the pain I have endured. That would make it impossible to empathize with those who are hurting. I don't want to turn a blind eye to suffering. That would make it impossible for me to reach out and help others. I don't want to live in abuse because my children would be more likely to do so as well. I don't want to be oblivious and comfortable to everything around me because then I would no longer see it and be able to change it for the better. I am changing my own personal normal. To be happy, to be stronger, to be a positive role model, to learn to be patient, to try to not curse as much,and to not be hardened by things around me. I need to really look at myself and what I am giving the world. what am I offering to others? A clear representation of who I am? A helpful caring person? An advocate? A poddy mouth? I am going to be all that I can be. This will be my normal from now on. What will be yours?
                                                           Neurotic Nelly