I'm Back and Hopefully Better....

Well, I have recovered....sort of.  Apparently while going to my doctor's office for a checkup I contracted what can only be described as the flaming gungamo.

I have no idea how it happened. I used hand sanatizer. I avoided direct contact with other patients. I kept my hands in my pockets. All of my OCD germ tactics to stay safe.

I was going to write but I was ill in bed coughing up a lung and wishing my ears didn't feel like I was trapped underwater.

The first day I awoke to the feeling one would have if they had swallowed razor blades. Thinking I had Strep throat I went to the Urgent Care. Spoiler alert: it was not strep throat.
 I was given antibiotics. The pharmacist tried to pander their flu shots to me while I waited in line looking and feeling like a snot zombie. I was not amused.

The second day, I felt as if angry bat wielding leprechauns had attacked me in my sleep. My head hurt. My sinuses were flaming balls of lava. My eyes refused to focus. I had what I like to call congestion stupidity, where the facial pressure makes you unable to concentrate. The pressure triggered my vertigo which allowed me to spend the day  bumping into everything and falling over as if I was drunk. It was fantastic....sarcasm.

The third day, I wanted to die. There was clearly no relief or hope in sight. I wasn't sure if I was going to make it and I was not entirely convinced I wanted to. The urge to crawl instead of walk from the couch to the bed to the bathroom was becoming more of a need rather than a desire. I don't remember much about it except whimpering sounds that I realized where coming from me as I laid rolled in a cover, scrunched into a ball, with kleenex shoved into my nostrils. I woke up choking from the chest congestion. I woke up unable to breathe from my whole face. I woke up having to blow my nose....I slept too much but none of it was long term bouts of rest. It was like a bad ironic joke and the punchline was clearly me at this point.

Thankfully, the third day was the worst and I was up and running on the fourth day. It has been twelve days since.

I now still cough but not as much as before and I don't sound like I have peanut m & m's shoved up nose. So, that's a plus. I did, however, pass it on to both of my children.  This is truly the gift that keeps on giving.....sorry kids.

That being said, I am in a way better mood than usual. Probably from my new found ability to breathe through both of my nostrils at the same time. Nose breathing is great, isn't it?


Other than being sick, I have nothing really to talk about. I am thankful to be back to my old crazy self. I am happy to be on the mend. I am still confused as to how I caught this bug in the first place but I am happy it is mostly over.

So, here's to you guys. I hope to write a better post than this for next week. I am hoping all of you are feeling well, and are having good days. If you are not, please just remember that even in the darkest of hours daylight is only around the corner. Just hang in there. You matter. You are important. You have insurmountable worth. You are heard.

Until next week guys,
Neurotic Nelly

Scared.......

I am sorry I did not get the chance to write my Thursday post until now. I had chest pains again which had me wind up at the emergency room yet again. They gave  me some pain meds and a GI cocktail. The doctors where unsure if it was Acid Reflux or stones in my bile duct. Then after I was sent home I was completely out of it for most of the day.

I am so worried. Every time I think I am over this hump, this shit starts up again and it terrifies me. I pray relentlessly that it was just because my vitamin contained a lot of iron and that it is what set off the pain and not stones that will require yet another surgery. My fifth. And then to remove the stint which will equal 6 surgeries for the same damn thing.

My OCD is out of control. I am terrified that my body is betraying me. Terrified to lose my life. A hundred million things keep going through my mind and all of them are bad. I just want to relax but I am terrified the pain will come back. I am terrified I will be back in the hospital. Terrified of leaving my kids without a mother. Terrified that each surgery is dangerous. Terrified that I will never get better and I will continue to have these "episodes" over and over again.

It kills me inside to be so scared. It kills my soul a bit each time that I worry and yet I am unable to stop worrying. God please help me. Please. Please. Please. PLEASE!!!??

I have an appointment with my GI doc tomorrow and I pray my labs are normal. That way we will know it was not stones and instead something more along the lines of GERD. Not that I want GERD but I don't want a million more surgeries either.

I cried in the hospital room because I was in pain and because I was so terrified. I hate to cry but all of the fear and dread just kept washing over me like emotional waves of shit and I just had to let it all out. I am so very exhausted of all of this. I just want to be healthy again. But I am clearly not. Not until we figure out why I keep getting these painful episodes, Hopefully it is nothing big...hopefully. I wish I could just think that way. But of course having medical OCD fear makes me thinking that way an impossibility.

I m trying to type with the tears falling down my face and my hands shaking. I don't want to be this way anymore. It is enough that I have an anxiety disorder. Actually having a mystery diagnoses on top of it seems to be just too much to handle right now.


So my dear readers/friends....please pray for me, if you are in the habit of praying, and if you aren't please send positive thoughts my way. I could really use them....

Thanks and I will update you as soon as I know just what is going on.

Neurotic Nelly