I have survived this long due to the love and understanding of my mother,my family, and some truly awesome friends. They accept me in all of my oddness. They love me regardless if I am neurotic or damaged .My mother is my reassurance person. The amount of guilt that comes with having OCD is insurmountable. Am i a freak? Am I a bad person because I have had a bad intrusive thought? Am I a horrible monster because I said the wrong thing? Did I hurt so in so's feelings? The guilt of over analyzing everything can take up hours and sometimes even days. I am lucky because I can call my mom and she reassures me that I am not a monster. I am not bad. It is my OCD and it's not my fault.I often think of OCD as emotional torture. While "normal" people just go on about their lives, I am drowning in guilt. My feelings are raw. Instead of being able to shrug things off I am full of anxiety. OCD is a cheese grater that has grated my emotions to bloody nubs. Always the fear and guilt is right under the surface of my skin. Ready to expose it's ugly head at any moment. My guilt is so bad that I can not lie. To anyone! If I lie the guilt seems to suffocate me to the point I feel like my pores are drenched with the stench of it. I call my mother or talk to my friends and I can breathe again. I am a confessor and I have to confess or I can not get over my fear of being a horrible human being.
I often wonder about the people that do not have a reassurance person. What do they do? Who do they talk to? Suicide is really high in people with OCD. They feel alone and are terrified of people finding out. For those people I want to say, You are not bad. You are not damaged, and most importantly You are not alone..