Wednesday, January 23, 2013

The Doubting Thomas

OCD is one of the many things in life that can make you question yourself. Along with the shame and guilt, doubt is another one of it's weapons. After all, OCD is a warlord. Your mind is a war and your life is a battlefield. It seeks to destroy all of your beliefs. It steals away your life one obsession at a time. It can ruin your relationships with people. It crushes your dreams leaving them as broken bodies of what they once were lying on the cold hard ground. It is a liar. It is a deceiver. Make no mistake OCD is not your friend. It is not your helper. It is Satan in mental illness form. It uses it's weapons to distract you, to torture you, and to cause you harm. It is so powerful it can even make you doubt what you know to be fact. It can actually make you think you liked something you don't or make you believe you might have done something that you know you have not. It is adept at gauging your emotions and attacking when you are at your weakest. It is your enemy.
 Doubt can be a complicated thing to discuss with someone. You know that you have checked the lock on the door and yet you don't clearly remember actually locking it. Or you do remember but your OCD is telling you that you did not. You at this point have two options. You can argue with it and try to go to bed or you can go and check the door lock again. I used to choose the latter. Often I was too stinking tired to argue inside my head. I just wanted a moments peace to try to go to sleep. It seemed the easier of the two choices. This was my folly. I would give in. Finally at three in the morning after unlocking and re locking the door for the third time that night, it hit me. I am a pretty intelligent person. I know that I have locked this door three times and I am not, repeat not going to lock this door one more time. I'm just not going to do it. If someone wanted in my house that badly, is some measly lock really going to keep them out? I mean really? How is staying up all night pacing back and forth to the door making my house any safer? Wouldn't that person just kick it in or smash a window? What is the point in doing this all night long? I just stood there and stared at this lock. This lock that I began to absolutely despise. I realized that OCD was taking up way more time than I was willing to give. If I have anxiety than fine, but will checking that lock make me feel any better in thirty minutes when I feel the need to check it again? No, it will not. So I went to bed. I woke up and guess what? No one had broken into my home. I was alive and fine just like I was when I went to bed. Amazing! Now when I feel the doubt I refuse to entertain the feeling. I refuse to check anything, no doors, no appliances, no window locks. I am not giving OCD any more of my hard earned time. That time is reserved for my family and my friends. That time is reserved for blogging. That time is reserved for what ever the heck I want to do with it, but it will not be reserved for OCD. I may not have won the whole OCD war yet but I have certainly won this battle. Nelly 1 vs OCD 0.
                                                                         Neurotic Nelly

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