Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Broken Lullabies...

Sleep. Sleep. Ugh go to Sleep. Shhhhhh. SHHHH. Ugh.
Sleeping is a luxury that I am too poor to afford. Ocd is a crowded room. There are a million people with their own agendas stuck in a tiny place in your brain. Each one wants to squeeze through the tiny door of your conscious.They push and shove and leave you with half processed thoughts and broken sentences. All the people are very annoying. All of these people look the same and sound like you. All the people are you. They are your thoughts, hopes, dreams, and worries. They want to all wake up and harass you while you are trying to slumber. Good luck with that. Please God don't leave me alone in a quiet house. A quiet house is a loud mind. I have insomnia. Not your usual can't sleep because I don't feel tired insomnia. I have," Omg would you just shut up in there," insomnia. I am exhausted...a lot. When I was doing construction on our house I would relive everything we wanted to do in detail. It played like a movie and I could see every inch of what I wanted. It was a highly detailed list of my desires with our home. I would repeat this list over and over again until I drifted to sleep. That is how OCD works anyway. It is mind-numbingly repetitive. Why not let it work for me?  At some point it must of gotten wise to what I was doing. It doesn't like that, apparently. I could no longer silence the fears and thoughts of my day. I would have my movie of the paint color I wanted on the walls and BAM! Do you think that you have somehow contracted Ebola? Ok it probably wasn't Ebola but you get the gist of my ordeal.  Next I tried music. I looove music. It's like my thing. I had the slight problem of singing it. I am not sure how many people can sing and sleep at the same time but I do not possess that particular talent. Classical music you say? That would be great if I didn't have the overwhelming urge to play the mad conductor and wave my arms around with the music. Not something you really want to see in the middle of the night...Trust me it's creepy. The sound to silence out my brain talking to me has to be loud enough that it drowns out every little thought. Otherwise, what would be the point. I am pretty sure that singing as loud as you can at three in the morning is some kind of spousal abuse, when your husband has to get up at six.....Music was out. Either that or I need to go "sleep" in the car. Next up was fans. I like the loud construction worker fan. It blows the hairs right of your head and it hums like a jet engine in your living room. I really like that fan. However, in the middle of winter it becomes a health risk. Not to mention, I really don't think the three people and the four cats in my house really appreciate the jet engine sound like I do. So, what to do? I can't be walking around in the dark like a zombie. It's scary to small children and the quieter I try to be, it seems the louder I actually am. Noise machines annoy me. I can't do the waves. My mother potty trained me by running the sink. Any water sounds make me have to go to the bathroom. It is so bad I do not dare stand by the fountain at the mall. I will have to urinate and why go find the bathroom if I just avoid the food court all together. Waves would mean going up and down the stairs twenty times a night. I just as well stay up.Thanks Mom.
 Reading is great. I love to read but I get so engrossed in the book that after reading by nightlight I look up at the clock and it is already six.... Not really conducive for sleep, now is it?
Now what? Well, glad you asked. I was fiddleling around on my phone and found a police scanner app. Sounds ridiculous but I figured, seriously what do I have to loose. It is interesting to the point I want to listen to what happens next. At the same time the pauses in the talking lull me to sleep. I use head phones because I highly doubt my husband wants to hear "Adam 12 respond. Adam 12 disregard " along with this buzzing sound that I find quiet calming. I listen to it for about ten minutes and I am drifting away. What is this holy thing called police scanners? Thank you. Thank you cell phone. Thank you police department. I have no idea what you are broadcasting half the time and I am so thankful. Adam 12 you are awesome! No more pushing in my mind. No more half spoken thoughts or broken lullabies. I will take what I can get when sleep is concerned. I will take my scanner and be happy. I love you scanner.                                              
                                                                                     Neurotic Nelly

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