Monday, February 4, 2013

The Beauty

Having a mental illness takes up so much time. It literally is like an old ex boyfriend that won't stop calling or showing up at your door. The harder you run the faster it finds you. It is a stalker in the shadows. It can be hard to pay attention to other things in life. Part of the curse of  having mental illness is the never being able to forget that you have one. Either it won't let you or other people throw it in your face, whether meaning to or not. We often forget to take the time to see the beauty in the everyday lives that we lead. Chasing normal is like a drug and we just can't stop doing it.  We are addicts looking for a fix.We need a good hit of normalcy. Normal is the invisible carrot dangling in front of you. Move this way, do this that way, reach, strive, push. Always trying to be better than we think we are. Trying too hard to be like everyone else.I am tired of this addiction of trying to appear normal. I am ready for the withdrawals, so bring it on.

Last night I was outside on my porch. The snow was floating and dancing all the way down to the ground. A huge flake flew right onto my nose. It felt like tiny carbonated bubbles popping. I was reminded of the  magical things we see as children. How the world is so innocent and wondrous. I stuck out my tongue to catch a snow flake and chuckled when I got one. It's silly to be doing that as an adult. And for that reason I loved it. I spend so much of my time being serious and being a proper adult. I miss looking and really seeing the the world around me.  I want to hear my children playing, my husband snoring, my neighbor weed whacking his lawn. The sounds I take for granted because they are always there. Never realizing that as life changes they wont always be. I want to snuggle under the blankets with my kids, watch cartoons, make blanket tents and read by flash lights with them. I want to have snow ball fights. I want to play in the water hose. I want to dance in the rain. I may teach them how to grow up but they are teaching me how to be a kid again. I am making time to see the small things. My OCD can wait a few seconds while I really listen to my children's laughter. It can wait a few minutes more while I stop on my walk and actually smell the roses. It can wait while I hold my husband's hand and listen to his day. It can wait while I catch snow flakes on my tongue. I want to see from the eyes of a child again. I want to touch, smell, taste. I want to use my senses for something other than sitting in my house and being turned away from the world.  I am breaking free from this ridiculous notion that being mentally ill means that you have to be shut away like a crazy aunt in the attic. Having mental illness does not and should not mean that I can't  have beauty or wonder in my life. Where does it say that I can't have both? I am going to see the beauty where ever it is hiding. I will notice that  bird is singing at six in the morning. I may not really want to hear it be that cheerful that early, but I will find beauty in it. If I am hearing it then I am alive. What can be more beautiful than that? I have someone that loves me. What is more precious? I have two amazing children. What could be more amazing than that? I have supportive friends and family. What could be more terrific? I have a voice. I have a life. I have a choice. I am surrounded by beauty. I just have to choose to take the time to realize it.
                                                                               Neurotic Nelly

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