Thursday, April 25, 2013


Sometimes I feel like my mind is an old dried out decrepit tree. It's branches gnarled and crooked. Dredging it's knuckles on the sidewalk till they are raw. Twisted bark and knotted limbs. Rotted roots and decaying leaves. I am gnarled. My mind is gnarled. My emotions are gnarled. My broken finger is gnarled.

I forget that as leaves fall and decay new ones will form. I forget that new roots can grow. I forget that wounds can heal and my heart will too. I forget that my branches can grow stronger and taller. I can shade the yard. I can shade others from the rain and harsh burning sun. I forget a lot of things lately.
It's not that I don't believe in myself. Sometimes I just forget to listen to myself first. I need to listen to my own needs as well. Remember to sit down before I fall down. Remember to not only protect others but myself as well. Remember that if I don't I will become gnarled in a knot of guilt, shame, frustration, and doubt. Mental illness is good at making one feel unworthy. I need to realize that if I refuse to take care of myself both physically and mentally, I am not in a position to help anyone else , no matter how much I would like to.
I need to remember to get enough sleep. Sleep and rest really help me to combat the voice in head. I can block it out better. However, at night sleep seems like a cruel joke. The voice and images are loud and obnoxious. My body is exhausted but my mind is wide awake. I plan things for the next day. I read. I watch t.v. I do whatever I can do to make my mind shut up and rest. I wish that plugging my my ears with my fingers would make the constant chatter of the intrusive thoughts go away. Unfortunately, my fingers cant reach far enough into my brain to plug out the noise. I don't actually hear it with my ears. Try explaining that you hear a voice but not with your ears and see the weird looks people give you. 

I heard this ridiculous notion once, that time heals all wounds. No, time heals most wounds. Some wounds are so jagged, deep, and weeping that infection sets in. These wounds require a shot of antibiotics. You need to go to a doctor. Mental illness is too deep and jagged for time to heal on it's own. You can't heal mental illness with warm tea and time. You need professional help to heal. You need support to heal. Time does not wear a white coat and scrubs. Time is a clock with hands on it. It doesn't recognize your ailments or talk to you about your problems. It just gives you some insight, wrinkles, and grey hair. Time is a beautiful thing but it is not a healer of all damage done to your life. Getting the proper help you need is what heals the mind.

Sometimes we forget to take care of ourselves. Sometimes we place ourselves on the bottom of our priorities. This is a very unhealthy habit that we need to break. We have to take care of our needs as well. We have to seek help. We need to stand up for ourselves. We need to be as healthy mentally wise as we can be. 

Some days I feel crappy. Some days I feel great. Some days I just hold on to all the things I learned in therapy. It will get better. It is a long process. It takes time, patience, support, and help. I will be the best person I can be. I will not allow my mental illness to steal away the things I love in my life. I will not bow down and let it trample my dreams. 

                                                  Neurotic Nelly

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