Tuesday, June 4, 2013

Forgive and Forget

I am sorry I am posting this much later than usual. My insomnia has taken over and I have been unable to fall asleep before three a.m. It would not be uncommon to find me sitting in the dark staring off into no man's land. That's not a creepy, right? Instead of sleeping I have been doomed to roam the halls like a scary stalker film, only instead of stalking a pretty rich girl in the Hamptons, I am stalking food in the fridge in an almost non existent city in Ohio. I seriously have to get some control of this insomnia.

I like the flowers Forget- Me- Nots. I like the name. I like the cute little cartoonish blue flowers that cover the ground. I like what the name implies. I can see a different time and a man from the war handing a bunch of forget- me- nots to his sweetheart before he ships of to God knows what only God knows where. Yes, I am a romantic.

Forgetting is often implied in the word forgiveness. Unfortunately, people feel that forgiving means forgetting. It is a completely untrue notion. I can forgive my biological father for denying my existence to everyone in public but claiming me in private. I however, forbid myself to forget. Forgetting is not a possibility, nor should it be.
It took me years to understand that I can forgive others for their discretion's but that I had a right to remember what they have done and the pain they have caused. Just as I have learned to forgive myself for my issues but am unable to forget them or leave them behind. I am ok with that.
Growing up with OCD made me unable to be normal. I am not even really sure what normal is, as I have never experienced it. I have learned over the years to forgive myself for that. I have learned to be strong in my weaknesses and honest in my faults. I have learned that pain is something that I will always have. Fear is something that I will always encounter. It does not matter that I have pain or fear, what matters is what I choose to do despite them. I love deeply because I have been abandoned. I love deeply because I have been unloved and unaccepted. I love deeply because I am surrounded in the fear that I could be denied again so easily. The pain and fear in my life have changed the way I view things and the way I react to things. If anything, I believe it keeps me loyal, it keeps me strong, and it keeps me accepting of others and their faults.
I can not forget where I have been or who I am because of it. That does not mean that I can't forgive myself for not being perfect. I forgive myself for not being normal. I forgive myself for being complicated. I forgive myself for being sick. I forgive myself because if I want to live my life the way I choose to, I have to.

I can forgive but I can not forget and frankly, I don't want to. If I am to reach out to others I have to remember the pain I went through. If I am to believe in my chosen path, I have to remember what it was like to be tossed aside, so I never do that to someone else. If I am to be the person I have scratched, fought, and clawed to be then I have to remember what lead me to this place at this point in time. I can forgive a person for hurting me, I can forgive myself for hurting myself, but I must never forget what was done or what consequences came from that.

So my forgiveness comes with a garden full of forget-me-nots.
I forgive myself for having insomnia. The forget-me-nots remind me that OCD is harder to cope with if I have not had enough sleep, so I will sleep as long as I need.
I forgive myself for not be able to work. The forget-me-nots remind me that I am still worthy and important because all people have worth and are important.
I forgive myself for not being normal. The forget-me-nots remind me that normal is not perfect and I am perfectly acceptable the way I am.
I forgive myself for being complicated. The forget- me- nots remind me that all things worth having are hard to get and even harder to hold on to.

I am a romantic, I am complicated, I am prone to flights of fancy and goofiness, I live, I love, I accept, and I deny. I dance badly, I stop and smell the roses. I hurt, I laugh, I fear, and I conquer. I am me. Not perfect but magnificent in my oddities and enigmas. I am clumsy and over emotional. I am everything I need to be. I will forgive but I will never forget. I am not willing to give up what makes me all that I am.

Until tomorrow, please look and see your truths and accept that you are so much more than you realize. We are all complicated and different. I find that beautiful. I find that astonishing and magnificent.
Forget -me-not,
Neurotic Nelly


  1. Buen articulo! Me gustó leerlo. Aunque con enfermedades diferentes (a mi el miedo sí condiciona mi vida, Agoraphobia) comparto bastantes cosas de las que escribe. Enhorabuena por su articulo y forma de escribir. ! Saludos

  2. Hi Nelly, wonderful material here, well done. Perhaps forgiveness is remembering without the pain. What do you think?

  3. Thanks Barry! I think the pai can subside for many things. Not all mind you but it takes time.