I am sorry I am posting this much later than usual. My insomnia has taken over and I have been unable to fall asleep before three a.m. It would not be uncommon to find me sitting in the dark staring off into no man's land. That's not a creepy, right? Instead of sleeping I have been doomed to roam the halls like a scary stalker film, only instead of stalking a pretty rich girl in the Hamptons, I am stalking food in the fridge in an almost non existent city in Ohio. I seriously have to get some control of this insomnia.
I like the flowers Forget- Me- Nots. I like the name. I like the cute little cartoonish blue flowers that cover the ground. I like what the name implies. I can see a different time and a man from the war handing a bunch of forget- me- nots to his sweetheart before he ships of to God knows what only God knows where. Yes, I am a romantic.
Forgetting is often implied in the word forgiveness. Unfortunately, people feel that forgiving means forgetting. It is a completely untrue notion. I can forgive my biological father for denying my existence to everyone in public but claiming me in private. I however, forbid myself to forget. Forgetting is not a possibility, nor should it be.
It took me years to understand that I can forgive others for their discretion's but that I had a right to remember what they have done and the pain they have caused. Just as I have learned to forgive myself for my issues but am unable to forget them or leave them behind. I am ok with that.
Growing up with OCD made me unable to be normal. I am not even really sure what normal is, as I have never experienced it. I have learned over the years to forgive myself for that. I have learned to be strong in my weaknesses and honest in my faults. I have learned that pain is something that I will always have. Fear is something that I will always encounter. It does not matter that I have pain or fear, what matters is what I choose to do despite them. I love deeply because I have been abandoned. I love deeply because I have been unloved and unaccepted. I love deeply because I am surrounded in the fear that I could be denied again so easily. The pain and fear in my life have changed the way I view things and the way I react to things. If anything, I believe it keeps me loyal, it keeps me strong, and it keeps me accepting of others and their faults.
I can not forget where I have been or who I am because of it. That does not mean that I can't forgive myself for not being perfect. I forgive myself for not being normal. I forgive myself for being complicated. I forgive myself for being sick. I forgive myself because if I want to live my life the way I choose to, I have to.
I can forgive but I can not forget and frankly, I don't want to. If I am to reach out to others I have to remember the pain I went through. If I am to believe in my chosen path, I have to remember what it was like to be tossed aside, so I never do that to someone else. If I am to be the person I have scratched, fought, and clawed to be then I have to remember what lead me to this place at this point in time. I can forgive a person for hurting me, I can forgive myself for hurting myself, but I must never forget what was done or what consequences came from that.
So my forgiveness comes with a garden full of forget-me-nots.
I forgive myself for having insomnia. The forget-me-nots remind me that OCD is harder to cope with if I have not had enough sleep, so I will sleep as long as I need.
I forgive myself for not be able to work. The forget-me-nots remind me that I am still worthy and important because all people have worth and are important.
I forgive myself for not being normal. The forget-me-nots remind me that normal is not perfect and I am perfectly acceptable the way I am.
I forgive myself for being complicated. The forget- me- nots remind me that all things worth having are hard to get and even harder to hold on to.
I am a romantic, I am complicated, I am prone to flights of fancy and goofiness, I live, I love, I accept, and I deny. I dance badly, I stop and smell the roses. I hurt, I laugh, I fear, and I conquer. I am me. Not perfect but magnificent in my oddities and enigmas. I am clumsy and over emotional. I am everything I need to be. I will forgive but I will never forget. I am not willing to give up what makes me all that I am.
Until tomorrow, please look and see your truths and accept that you are so much more than you realize. We are all complicated and different. I find that beautiful. I find that astonishing and magnificent.