Showing posts with label brave. Show all posts
Showing posts with label brave. Show all posts

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Stronger In The Broken Places...

The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places...Ernest Hemingway

Mr. Hemingway, besides being a famous and talented author, was also one of us.  He suffered greatly from his mental illness. He suffered from depression but it doesn't matter which mental illness you have. This isn't necessarily an exclusive club of individuals. The only requirement to be one of us is to suffer like one of us. All mental illnesses apply here....


If we had a badge, I would like to think it would be bright and shiny. It would have the word "Brave" on it because to face everyday, we are brave. We walk this world with so much on our shoulders and we keep going in the face of stigma and ignorance, and that my friends, takes bravery.

 We have a ribbon and it is lime green, but I kinda hoped it would be green with large red stripes. I like the stripes idea because we are unique. Each and everyone of us, so our ribbon should reflect that we are....magnificent and we stand out. (course I tend to air on the gaudy side, be thankful I didn't say it should have glitter on it because I looove glitter). Green represents renewal which makes total sense, we grow everyday. We renew everyday. We live each and every day. The red would represent that we are here and we stand in the face of misguided judgement and false preconceived notions of who and what we are. We are us and we are nothing to be afraid of. We are not bad or scary or freaks.

If we had a flag, I would like it to be big and bold. I would like it to have the word "Strong" in huge black letters. Because if nothing else, if we are nothing else, we are strong. We carry so much, do so much, feel so much and yet we get out of bed every morning and have the strength to face the day no matter what it may throw at us. We get up and try over and over and over again. Knowing we might stumble. Knowing that we might fall. Knowing that the world will see us differently. Knowing that somethings may seem absolutely impossible and yet will we do them anyway. And even if we can't do them today, we can try again tomorrow  because we are powerful in our own lives. We are the masters of our own journeys. We are intelligent, we are beautiful. We suffer and struggle and yet still continue to push back and fight against not only our own illness but also against the discrimination and stigma that we all face daily, and that makes us strong.

I guess if you had to call us something we would be a club. A club of amazing, creative, intelligent, and wonderful people that just happen to have mental illness. We are unique. We are magnificent. We are great people. If the world saw us as we really are, they would see that we are just like everyone else except that we suffer from an illness. No different than a physical illness because it is a physical illness. The illness just happens to be in our brains. There is no shame in that and it is high time we start understanding that. No one is ashamed to have heart disease or diabetes. No one should be ashamed to have mental illness. We are not less than we are equal to.  We are virtually exactly the same as everyone else except maybe, just maybe, we are just stronger in our broken places.


Neurotic Nelly





Thursday, March 7, 2013

Bravery

I think I am a pretty intelligent person. I am not a college educated person. I didn't graduate high school. I was an A B student until my mental illness became a problem with going to school. I am not stupid either. I try to learn something new everyday. You can never learn too much. Today I am trying to learn to be brave. I have had small moments of bravery in my life. Nothing heroic or anything to really write about. Things that took courage to admit or do. I need a cold hard hit of bravery. I need some courage because, frankly,  I am in short supply.
I do genealogy  I love to find what set of circumstances and people made it possible for me to be here in this moment. I was thrilled to go back hundreds of years. I discovered warriors and kings. None of their riches passed down to me. I am starting to believe that the bravery also failed to pass as well. Today going to my doctors office, we had to go up four floors on the elevator. No big deal. That is until five people walked in the elevator with me... I had to close my eyes and breathe. I could feel the lady touching my shoulder with her arm. It felt like we were sardines packed in a tin and I wanted to scream. Deep breaths. Then on the second floor some guy was going to get in. Thankfully the doors were shutting and he thought better of it. I actually said aloud,"No, go away." Not my proudest moment.
I realize that if you dropped an elevator on the ground next to my warrior ancestors they would be scared of it too. However, this is not 1300 a.d. and everyone here has used an elevator at some point.
I am terrified of rabbits. They creep me out like nothing I have ever come across.Rabbits. That's right, I said it. I realize it is stupid and silly. How many people have you heard of that have been mauled to death by a rabbit? None.
Last Fall I went outside on my porch. Something caught the corner of my eye. As I turned to look at it I saw that it was a rabbit  My mouth got dry and sweat started to form on my forehead. I quickly turned and squeezed my eyes shut. I tried desperately to will it away, When I opened one eye the cursed thing was still there chomping his evil jaws at me. Ok, he was probably just happily munching on a dandelion but still he obviously, doesn't posses the ability to be mentally willed away. I bet he was wondering what the crazy red haired lady was doing freaking out on her porch.
I can just see my ancestors going to protect their land from invaders and charging. Swords ready for battle and their kilts swaying as the run. Then as they get to the battle field they stop and look down. "Oh My God a rabbit! Fall back men! Fall back!" And then run back home with horror on their faces.
 I obviously do not posses the warrior gene. If there is such a thing.
So maybe I am not tough as nails. Maybe I am not a conqueror of great lands. I am a different kind of warrior. I am a verbal warrior. I battle for mental health. I conquer my fears everyday. I fight for the end of stigma. I fight for acceptance and understanding. I am not brave in the warrior sense, but I am brave in writing my truths. I am brave in that I am honest. That I am a warrior for my mental illness. I am brave every time I get up out of bed and face the day. I am brave every time I sit down and type my dysfunction to the world. I am brave that I accept that there will people that will judge me. That there are people that will tell me I am stupid or wimpy. It takes courage to tell the world that I am a mentally ill person. It takes courage to admit that to myself. It takes courage to be abnormal. It takes courage to truly look at yourself and accept what you are. I am brave in that I am still here. When it seemed to be an easier option to opt out, I chose to live. I chose to endure. I am brave that I will not be put in the shadows and ignored. It is brave that I stand up and say I am here. I have a mental illness and I am not going away because it makes you feel more comfortable.  So maybe I am a warrior after all. Maybe I have the right amount of courage. Maybe I am brave. Just be on the look out for rabbits for me.
                                                                         Neurotic Nelly

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