I Am Ready...XXX...Warning ED and Self Harm Triggers...XXX

XXX ....Warning Possible Eating Disorder and Self Harm Triggers....XXX




     I don't know how to be healthy. How to grieve healthily. How to live a healthy lifestyle... I have no experience with letting go in healthy way.

    I was never taught what healthy looks like.

   My whole life has been surrounded by mental illness, overcoming obstacles, tearing down walls, building bridges that lead nowhere, and hurting myself.

   I never cut myself or used razor blades for my pain. I starved myself. I binge ate until I was so full I wanted to vomit. I avoided things that I knew I didn't want to deal with. I made excuses to be stuck, miserable, and broken. No, I never felt the razor's edge but I self harmed in different ways, every single time life got to be too much for me. When things were too real. When I didn't know what to do.

   My family taught me many things about life. Secrets keep you sick. Life is unfair. Real love is patient and kind. Food is a drug and so is starving yourself. Pain is not to be dealt with but stuffed away like a rotting corpse in a broken down suitcase. Ignore the smell, ignore the facts, act like nothing has happened.

   My family has always been unhealthy. Some used drugs to cope, some used alcohol, but we all  have used food. We all binge eat. We all cover our sins with sugar and marinade our anguish with fat. We eat for the sugar high. We eat for the taste. We eat to feel less empty. We eat to pretend we aren't sad. There is no will power here,only excuses to cover up the pain. To the extremes we are obese, to the opposite some of us also became anorexic. Or in my case, I bounced back and forth and am now trying to be something I have never been....healthy.

     It is very hard to be something you don't recognize. I realized after losing my Grandmother, that I am lost at sea and if I don't figure out quickly how to swim I am going to drown.

     I spent a month on the sofa grieving and watching mind numbing amounts of netflix. I spent the next month crying myself to sleep, being angry, being morose. It changed nothing. She is still dead and making myself sicker is not going to bring her back.

    Out of desperation to do something with my grief, I started working out. I started eating right, or as best as I can. I am not always perfect but I allow no excuses for myself. I spent way too much of my life doing that.

    I am remaining positive. as hard as it is to do so. Yesterday, I was diagnosed with a heart disease that comes with my diabetes.  I could have binge ate to stuff my fears. I could have made excuses not to exercise. I could have allowed myself to become overwhelmed.

    Instead, for the first time in my life, I remained truly hopeful. It might be reversible or the very least it can be helped by me getting healthier. I am not deterred. If I can spend 37 years of my life  putting all of my effort into being unhealthy I can certainly put in that same amount of effort into becoming the person I want to be.

     I am proud of who I am in many ways. I am strong. I am kind. I am good. I am a warrior of my own mind. But I also want to be brave. I want to be able to stare the things I fear the most in the eye and do them anyway.

    So this is me, trying to be brave, staring my diabetes and heart disease in the eye. This is me, disavowing any and all excuses. This is me, finally understanding that being mentally healthy goes hand in hand with being physically healthy and I am ready. I am finally ready to be...whatever healthy is.




Neurotic Nelly

Bravery

I think I am a pretty intelligent person. I am not a college educated person. I didn't graduate high school. I was an A B student until my mental illness became a problem with going to school. I am not stupid either. I try to learn something new everyday. You can never learn too much. Today I am trying to learn to be brave. I have had small moments of bravery in my life. Nothing heroic or anything to really write about. Things that took courage to admit or do. I need a cold hard hit of bravery. I need some courage because, frankly,  I am in short supply.
I do genealogy  I love to find what set of circumstances and people made it possible for me to be here in this moment. I was thrilled to go back hundreds of years. I discovered warriors and kings. None of their riches passed down to me. I am starting to believe that the bravery also failed to pass as well. Today going to my doctors office, we had to go up four floors on the elevator. No big deal. That is until five people walked in the elevator with me... I had to close my eyes and breathe. I could feel the lady touching my shoulder with her arm. It felt like we were sardines packed in a tin and I wanted to scream. Deep breaths. Then on the second floor some guy was going to get in. Thankfully the doors were shutting and he thought better of it. I actually said aloud,"No, go away." Not my proudest moment.
I realize that if you dropped an elevator on the ground next to my warrior ancestors they would be scared of it too. However, this is not 1300 a.d. and everyone here has used an elevator at some point.
I am terrified of rabbits. They creep me out like nothing I have ever come across.Rabbits. That's right, I said it. I realize it is stupid and silly. How many people have you heard of that have been mauled to death by a rabbit? None.
Last Fall I went outside on my porch. Something caught the corner of my eye. As I turned to look at it I saw that it was a rabbit  My mouth got dry and sweat started to form on my forehead. I quickly turned and squeezed my eyes shut. I tried desperately to will it away, When I opened one eye the cursed thing was still there chomping his evil jaws at me. Ok, he was probably just happily munching on a dandelion but still he obviously, doesn't posses the ability to be mentally willed away. I bet he was wondering what the crazy red haired lady was doing freaking out on her porch.
I can just see my ancestors going to protect their land from invaders and charging. Swords ready for battle and their kilts swaying as the run. Then as they get to the battle field they stop and look down. "Oh My God a rabbit! Fall back men! Fall back!" And then run back home with horror on their faces.
 I obviously do not posses the warrior gene. If there is such a thing.
So maybe I am not tough as nails. Maybe I am not a conqueror of great lands. I am a different kind of warrior. I am a verbal warrior. I battle for mental health. I conquer my fears everyday. I fight for the end of stigma. I fight for acceptance and understanding. I am not brave in the warrior sense, but I am brave in writing my truths. I am brave in that I am honest. That I am a warrior for my mental illness. I am brave every time I get up out of bed and face the day. I am brave every time I sit down and type my dysfunction to the world. I am brave that I accept that there will people that will judge me. That there are people that will tell me I am stupid or wimpy. It takes courage to tell the world that I am a mentally ill person. It takes courage to admit that to myself. It takes courage to be abnormal. It takes courage to truly look at yourself and accept what you are. I am brave in that I am still here. When it seemed to be an easier option to opt out, I chose to live. I chose to endure. I am brave that I will not be put in the shadows and ignored. It is brave that I stand up and say I am here. I have a mental illness and I am not going away because it makes you feel more comfortable.  So maybe I am a warrior after all. Maybe I have the right amount of courage. Maybe I am brave. Just be on the look out for rabbits for me.
                                                                         Neurotic Nelly

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