Saturday, November 5, 2016

I Struggle.....

I struggle daily with my OCD.

There, I said it.

I struggle with the thoughts and the obsessions. I struggle with the feeling of not being good enough. I struggle with the anxiety. I struggle in public and I struggle in private.

I struggle with people assuming I am fine because I appear to be a healthy, functional adult.

I struggle with stress and lack of sleep making my OCD worse.

I struggle that my child has inherited my mental illness and I struggle not to blame myself for it because he got it from my poisoned genes.

I struggle with not being able to drive and doing or going places that I would like to.

I struggle to have to depend on others more than I would like to.

I struggle with my children' homeschooling that makes me terrified that I am somehow failing them if I can't do everything for them correctly.

I struggle.....believe me.....I struggle.

But I am hopeful.

I can not just sit in the misery of my own making and punish myself for something I can not control. I have to force myself to remember how important we all are to this universe. I have to remember that I have people in my life who love me, depend on me, care for me. I have to remember that I have made it through thirty three years of OCD and I am still living, fighting, breathing. Yes, I struggle but that is no different today as it was yesterday, last week, or sixteen years ago. There are hard days, hard weeks, and hard months but I am hopeful.

I know there is no magical cure. I know that this will be what it is. I know that I am different because of my disorder but I also know that I am stronger than most people. That I am brave. I know that I am not someone who ever backs down. I know who I am as a person.

I remain hopeful.

And if my blog does anything for anyone, I would hope that it has helped other people feel hopeful. I would hope that it helps them feel less alone, less scared. I would hope that it would make people realize that even if they struggle how important they are, how worthy, how magnificent. I would hope that they could hear how brave and strong they are in my words and take that to heart. To know what badasses they are in their own struggles even if it is hard for them to see it themselves.

Life is full of struggles be it mental illness or not, be it stress induced panic or not, be it hard scrabble days where you fight tooth and nail just to get out of bed in the morning or a nice crisp day with nothing to worry about at all. There is always something to overcome, over throw, or override. Always......and we are pretty good at overcoming things.

So this weekend, my wish for you is to have a great week but in case you don't, I hope that you can remain hopeful....because you are important. You are worthy. You are good enough. People care.

See you all on Thursday with a new post. Hang in there.
Neurotic Nelly


  1. 33 years?
    I just turned 51. :)

    Your blog helps innumerable people, more than you'll ever know. Truly. This post resonated with me massively because the last few weeks I've been afraid of driving. Meaning I've left home 3 times in a month, when someone else was driving and that's it. So, you mentioned the "burden" aspect....yep. :)

    1. Thank you, TR! I am actually 37....but I didn't have OCD symptoms until I was 4. I must commend you on your strength and great attitude for struggling with this for so long.(not that I am saying that you are old because I am not) It truly is the gift that keeps on shitting on everyone's toes. You have a great sense of humor about it and you always make me laugh. I always look forward to your comments, as I know they will leave me with a smile on face.

  2. My mistake on your age Ma'am. Have to call you that because being a whole whopping 37 makes you what a senior citizen? In that go Grandma. :)

    1. Omg, I just reread what I replied at it reads like I say your attitude shits on everyone's toes when I meant to say the OCD is the shitty gift. I need sleep. Lol. I had better not be a Granny yet or heads are gonna roll!...I feel like I am 80 right now. You crack me up! :)