Thursday, May 4, 2017

I Am Ready...XXX...Warning ED and Self Harm Triggers...XXX

XXX ....Warning Possible Eating Disorder and Self Harm Triggers....XXX

     I don't know how to be healthy. How to grieve healthily. How to live a healthy lifestyle... I have no experience with letting go in healthy way.

    I was never taught what healthy looks like.

   My whole life has been surrounded by mental illness, overcoming obstacles, tearing down walls, building bridges that lead nowhere, and hurting myself.

   I never cut myself or used razor blades for my pain. I starved myself. I binge ate until I was so full I wanted to vomit. I avoided things that I knew I didn't want to deal with. I made excuses to be stuck, miserable, and broken. No, I never felt the razor's edge but I self harmed in different ways, every single time life got to be too much for me. When things were too real. When I didn't know what to do.

   My family taught me many things about life. Secrets keep you sick. Life is unfair. Real love is patient and kind. Food is a drug and so is starving yourself. Pain is not to be dealt with but stuffed away like a rotting corpse in a broken down suitcase. Ignore the smell, ignore the facts, act like nothing has happened.

   My family has always been unhealthy. Some used drugs to cope, some used alcohol, but we all  have used food. We all binge eat. We all cover our sins with sugar and marinade our anguish with fat. We eat for the sugar high. We eat for the taste. We eat to feel less empty. We eat to pretend we aren't sad. There is no will power here,only excuses to cover up the pain. To the extremes we are obese, to the opposite some of us also became anorexic. Or in my case, I bounced back and forth and am now trying to be something I have never been....healthy.

     It is very hard to be something you don't recognize. I realized after losing my Grandmother, that I am lost at sea and if I don't figure out quickly how to swim I am going to drown.

     I spent a month on the sofa grieving and watching mind numbing amounts of netflix. I spent the next month crying myself to sleep, being angry, being morose. It changed nothing. She is still dead and making myself sicker is not going to bring her back.

    Out of desperation to do something with my grief, I started working out. I started eating right, or as best as I can. I am not always perfect but I allow no excuses for myself. I spent way too much of my life doing that.

    I am remaining positive. as hard as it is to do so. Yesterday, I was diagnosed with a heart disease that comes with my diabetes.  I could have binge ate to stuff my fears. I could have made excuses not to exercise. I could have allowed myself to become overwhelmed.

    Instead, for the first time in my life, I remained truly hopeful. It might be reversible or the very least it can be helped by me getting healthier. I am not deterred. If I can spend 37 years of my life  putting all of my effort into being unhealthy I can certainly put in that same amount of effort into becoming the person I want to be.

     I am proud of who I am in many ways. I am strong. I am kind. I am good. I am a warrior of my own mind. But I also want to be brave. I want to be able to stare the things I fear the most in the eye and do them anyway.

    So this is me, trying to be brave, staring my diabetes and heart disease in the eye. This is me, disavowing any and all excuses. This is me, finally understanding that being mentally healthy goes hand in hand with being physically healthy and I am ready. I am finally ready to be...whatever healthy is.

Neurotic Nelly