Goodbye......

I wanted to take a moment and thank everyone for your thoughts and prayers that you sent in my aunt's direction. Unfortunately, my Aunt Patti died today.  I am just......I don't know what I am. Devastated, bereft, empty....... there are so many words and yet none of them quite reach the level of pain I am in.

She went to take a nap and never woke up. I am glad she didn't suffer but at this time we do not know what she died from. I strongly suspect a brain bleed or stroke from the falls she had been having. They didn't give her a M.R.I at the one hospital and she had been acting very odd since that last bad fall where she hit her head. I was not there, but she had commented on them threatening to put her in a psych ward because of her onset erratic behavior. They never assumed it might be medical just mental. She was a little nutty before, but she was not mental in that way til after the fall. I feel like maybe they saw her, her record, her being a recovering drug addict and they wrote her off like a piece of garbage. Like she wasn't worth their time. It has happened before. It pisses me off.

I was lucky enough to have had a phone conversation with her two days ago where we made each other laugh and I told her how much I loved her. She said she knew that and that we didn't have to say the words because we both knew how much we cared for each other.

That meant the world to me....it still does.

I won't be able to go to her funeral and I am very upset about that. I want to but I can not afford the prices to fly across the country( and I have severe panic attacks on flights), the bus prices are no better, and there is no train service that goes directly from here to where she is. I can't just leave my kids here and they are in school now, so I can't take them with me. My husband is unable to get off work for the three to four day trip.....basically, I wont get to go. I just hope that she knows I wanted to be there. I want to support her children in their time of need and I love her enough to do all that I can, which sadly doesn't really seem like much.

My grandma is going to go though, and my heart breaks so much for her. She lost her oldest son thirteen years ago and now she has lost a daughter. I can not imagine....I just can't. I can't even try to think about it without crying. I once had two uncles, a mother, and an aunt. Now I have one uncle and my mom. Somewhere along the way we have lost half of our family and neither of them ever even reached the age of fifty five.

In our last talk she said that when she died she wanted someone to read something really nice about her. It made me uncomfortable because I didn't want to talk about her leaving us, leaving me, or even the possibility of it.

 What could I say about her that I haven't said already? She was hilarious and fun. She always kept you on your toes with her wit and intelligence. She was loving, caring, compassionate. She was a true friend.


I don't really know what to say except that Patti was an amazing woman. She was smart and funny. She had a big heart and an extreme stubbornness, that I admire. Many people only saw her for her addictions and they placed blame on her. It is their loss. She was beautiful, magnificent, flawed, and broken in many places and yet she kept going, working, striving to carve out a life of her own against abuse, and addiction, and every other harmful thing that had tried to steal away her life bit by bit. When I look at Patti in my mind I see a survivor. A gutsy, strong, fearless survivor that never gave up, never backed down.

Looking back on it, I find it an extreme shame that many never got to know my aunt. That many let their judgments prevent them from seeing such an incredible person. Someone who could make anyone feel comfortable and then turn around and make things uncomfortable just to get a laugh.  Someone who never judged others because she knew how shitty it feels to be judged. Someone who loved with all of her heart even if she didn't always know what to do with all of that love. She tried. She tried relentlessly, everyday and really what more can you ask of someone but to try?

I guess if I had one thing to say to her it would be that I know she had a very hard life, I know that she was flawed and had issues, I know that she struggled.....but even with all of that I am thankful everyday that I got the honor of her being my aunt. That no one could have taken her place. That if there would have been different choices of who could be your aunt, I would have chosen her every single time...because she was worth it all. All of the struggles and pain. She is worth every single tear we have shed. Sometimes over her and sometimes with her. She was worth the beauty she brought into our lives and I will miss her everyday, always, for the rest of my life.

Goodbye my Aunt Patti...... til I see you again...I will keep you in my heart always.

Neurotic Nelly