This wasn't just plain terrible, it was fancy terrible. This was terrible with raisins in it.----Dorothy Parker
This week has been a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad time for me. To further prove that I am not immune to my severe OCD, I have been having cleanliness issues. My house "feels" dirty. So I scrub and scrub and scrub......I am so tired of scrubbing. It puts me in a foul mood. Not the actual cleaning, but the feeling it is still dirty after I have spent all day washing, sweeping, vacuuming, and wiping down. UGH! It is so frustrating. I still see dirt. Surfaces still feel dirty. My biggest frustration is the fact that the stove door has dribbles of some unknown substance in between the glass front and metal back. Somehow water or liquid of some sort has gone through the little vent cuts and flowed down. This peeves me to no end because to get to them I would have to actually take apart the door front. Something that could void my warranty or even break my oven and my question is why? Why would they make an oven you could not clean???!!!???! I don't understand how they did not see how liquid would drip down there and you can not clean it. I can't even look at the stove now without getting pissed off. It just really irritates me. Now when I clean the oven door it is shiny except the big dried dribbles behind the glass for all to see. I hate my stove. I truly, truly hate my stove.
Since I was sick and then had several appointments this week, my housework has suffered. I try to clean everything and get back to where it once was but I can't seem to get back to the level of cleanliness it was before. I feel like I am just chasing the monkey on my back and getting nowhere. I can't seem to quiet the OCD storm. I seriously hate when I get like this. I end up having no time for anything else except elbow grease and cleaning products. I am in a crappy mood. I am so aggravated. My floor looks dirty. My dishes are dirty. Even my walls seem like they need to be scoured with bleach and an S.O.S. pad. I am this close to actually getting out a butter knife and running it over the seams in my wood flour so I can clean them. Yes, I said the seams of my floor. Oh God. It is driving me INSANE!!!
For most people the belief is that your home is your castle. For me, my home is my sanctuary but also my jail cell, my asylum, and on bad OCD days my worst enemy. It just depends on the day and this week it has been my albatross. I know that the cleanliness OCD symptom is more of an outward sign that I have been under a lot of stress lately. I always have major anxiety when it comes to appointments. Especially, doctor's appointments. I know that I have been wigged out the last few days and now that they are over I am just trying to deal with the havoc they left behind in their wake. It is a slow going process. These are the days I truly wish I were more normal and I could just stop cleaning over and over again. That I could just relax and not be so wound up that my muscles bunch up, knot, and ache. That I could just let it go.
It is why I get angry when people claim they have OCD because they like a clean house. Really? Do you scrub your floors till your hands bleed? Do you reorganize you linen closet twenty three times because the toilet paper isn't in the right place? Do you vacuum so often you need to replace your vacuum more than once a year? Do you wash your dishes so often that if you did not have a dishwasher you would spend all day in the kitchen with your hands submerged in hot soapy water? Do you sit and stare at a scuff on the wall and are unable to concentrate on anything else until you finally have scrubbed it so much the paint has come off the walls? Well, have you?
OCD is not a badge of honor. It is not something you are happy to have. It is not proof that you are a clean and organized person. It is hell. It is a painful, frustrating, stressful mental illness and it sucks! It takes perfectly normal days and turns them into nightmares. It isn't something to be spouted off at the office simply because you keep your desk neat.
So in short, I am sorry I have been unable to write as often as I should. I am saddened that my post isn't the usual upbeat/funny post I usually aspire too. Sometimes, I have to remind myself that the whole reason I write about having a mental illness is because I have one and this week I am feeling it's affects. I have to remember that in telling you guys, my dear readers, to take care of yourselves I need to do the same for myself. I am sure I will be back in regular form on Tuesday. Have a marvelous weekend and try to relax. I promise I will do the same..... right after I figure out how to clean that damned oven door.
Until Tuesday my friends,