Monday, September 8, 2014

What The Hell Facebook...

Looking on my Facebook page today I am convinced that Facebook thinks I am fat. That is not me just rationalizing or over thinking things. It really must think I am fat, because all of my "sponsors" and adds on my page are fat loss transformations or diet pills. Just what are you trying to say FB??? Huh???!!! Huh!!! Well, I am waiting......

And if it weren't bad enough that every time I want to read my friend's statuses I feel Facebook's disapproving digital eye watching me and silently shaking it's imaginary head in disgust of my eating a honey bun while typing, I just saw a post about some neurological disease and it's symptoms with pictures as an add.....really.... Like I, the medial OCD fear person, really need to read something like that. Why don't you just start listing the symptoms of Ebola with the picture of someone bleeding from their eyes on there too so the next time I get the chills and a fever I can be totally paranoid and freaked out and never sleep peacefully  again. Oh my God, why just why???!!!

I go out of my way, out of my way people, to avoid shows about diseases or viruses. I avoid shows that I deem to be "Fear mongers" such as Doctor OZ. It is a lovely show, if you don't have OCD. I watched it one time, all the way through and now I have to wrestle with the fear of eating microwave popcorn.  It is one of my carb friendly snacks. And before someone jumps in and tells me how to make it on the stove or in a  healthier manner and what not, I have had to give up cake because of this damn diabetes. I refuse to give up my microwave buttered popcorn for a healthier option. I have had healthy eating out the wazoo and I want my damn  movie butter popcorn, okay. Is that so wrong?

I turn the news off when it starts to talk about sickness invading the supermarkets or how long you should actually wash your hands. I wash my hands at least forty times a day. I don't need to know that you should sing happy birthday twice for them to be clean. I don't need to know that hot water doesn't kill germs any better than cold water. I am at the sink way too much as it is and I don't need to add a time limit to my washing on top of all of my washing, that's just crazy. And what if I want to actually use hot water? If I want to wash my hands in cheese wiz and curdled milk while dancing the two step and singling Mi Sharona while jumping up and down in a circle, I can. You are not the boss of me, late night news! I like hot water, okay? It makes me "feel" cleaner. Is it not okay to just let something "feel" clean? I mean, OCD is all about how things "feel" anyway. If hot water makes me feel better than I am going to keep using it. So step off, sheesh.

All of this fear spreading and too much information is not helpful, not to people like me that wrestle with daily fears of becoming sick or contracting rare diseases from inhaling sheep farts from Scandinavia. I mean, sure the sheep fart thing is funny, and I was trying to be funny there but the reality is devastating. How would you like to be afraid of touching things or people? Or being convinced something is horribly medically wrong with you constantly and you have to try and ignore it, or push it down, or look at it and repeat why you don't have some horrible rare issue going on and it is all in your head? And I am not talking about once or twice a year. I am talking about dealing with this anxiety, this fear every single day. It's hard, so very very hard. I hate it and I hate how it makes me feel.

And I use things to distract myself from such thoughts, because that is what you do when you don't want to spend the next three days worrying if you got Hepatitis from a toilet seat you hovered over in the Walmart bathroom three weeks ago. You distract so you don't obsess. It isn't fool proof but it can help. I never look at things online that are about illnesses because I feel the need to read them and then it fucking freaks me out. I learned a long time ago to avoid googling such stuff only to find it staring at me on Facebook like a long lost friend waving in my face and begging to be acknowledged.....Well, I didn't acknowledge it. I simply clicked the "I don't want to see this" button and moved on. I ignored that "long lost friend" like it was the two faced friend you had in high school that bullied you in the halls but wanted to hang out at your house because your parents had the state of the art new fangled television set and they only had a tube t.v. (yes I am that old) I ignored it, because much like the bully in the halls was not your friend, this information is not your friend either. It is Fear's friend and Fear is your enemy. The enemy of thy enemy is thy friend ergo the friend of your enemy is your enemy.

And here in lies my issue. I have been avoiding much of the news due to the coverage of Ebola outbreak (which terrifies me), I am out of books to read, my online games have started to bore me,  so I log onto Facebook only to find it keeps insinuating that I am in dire need of "the world's fastest stomach slimming fruit" or to try the special all raw vegetable diet or to lose six inches off my waist quickly. I wouldn't be surprised if the next time I log on my name has been changed to Fatty McFatterson, and now I have to dodge illness and rare disease adds to boot. Why can't my adds and sponsors be all about shoes or paper crafts? I love shoes and paper crafts. Why does my FB page have to both insult me and terrify me at the same time? I just wanted to read how my Facebook friend's day went.....I mean, what the hell Facebook? What the hell?

Neurotic Nelly

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