Friday, September 16, 2016

I Am Going To Be Fine....


Calm down. Be calm and breathe. Think about fluffy kittens and silly puppy faces. Jam your hands in your pockets. Tap your fingers on your knee. Breathe Nelly, Breathe. You can do this. You are going to be alright.



Deep breaths. Come on you can do it. Inhale and exhale. That's it. You got it. You got it! Again, inhale really deep and exhale really long. There ya go.

I am writing this trying not to have a panic attack. I hate this. I hate this so much. My heart rate goes through the roof and my breathing becomes shallow and fast. My palms get sweaty as I battle this overriding feeling of complete and utter doom. Dread encapsulates my senses and fear fills my nostrils. I can smell it. I can taste my own terror. I want to run. I want to hide......I want to throw up.

I could get angry with myself for not being able to do things like a normal fucking person, but what is the point? This is my reality. This is what I have to live with and who I am. This is one of my many, many issues and that is okay. I am going to be okay.

Just breathe.

I wish I had more control of this than I do. I find it embarrassing when it happens in public. I am not ashamed that it happens but it can be upsetting to other people. I wish that I could leave my house with the certainty that I will not lose my shit and breakdown in the middle of the floor in a public space. But I don't have that certainty and I have learned to just be happy when I surprise myself and do well. Tomorrow is probably not going to be one of those days. Not if I am already fighting of a tsunami of panic the night before. But whatever the outcome of this day, I am going to be fine.

I am going to be fine either way. Breathe....

Neurotic Nelly


  1. I especially enjoy the ones when out in public. I get dizzy and feel faint. Nothing says "chronic excessive manliness" like fainting in Home Depot or somewhere. That fear/thought just adds a little something extra to the whole event. :)

    1. TR, that sounds horrid but it also made me chuckle about how good natured you are about it. A good sense of humor always seems to help the suckiness of this disorder and I always appreciate your comments that make me think and make me smirk at the same time. As I haven't always said but will start saying now, fainting men are still manly they are just vertically challenged for a few minutes. :)

  2. I laugh and mock the cruel Universe that created me and my miserable existence.

    Actually, the above is not true. If I do start to feel sorry for myself, or feel "robbed" of not having had a normal life, I just look around at people that are worse off than me in some way or another. And from certain standpoints (rights, security, freedoms, not having to carry a bucket of water on my head for 3 miles, hoping not to get raped as happens to women in some places) my life seems better.

    Now, I must get back to my fainting couch and resume cursing the "Chemical Imbalance Gods"....and do thusly, while not wearing any pants. :)

  3. TR, I do much the same thing, the feling robbed until I see other people that are worse off, not so much the pants free fainting

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  5. I appreciate your reply...but once was enough. Or is this double posting a new sort of OCD thing? Muah!!! :)