A Disorder.....

I was reading an article today in which this person said he was proud to have OCD and didn't believe that it was a mental illness. In fact, he detested the implication that having OCD was anything other than a difference of personality. He did not consider it a disorder. He did not have negative feelings about it. He believed that almost all things listed as disorders were not necessarily disorders. He did not trust the people labeling them as such....and honestly the comments back at this guy were pretty aggressive. From other OCD sufferers claiming that if he thought it were just a difference of personality he must not actually have it. And I was left wondering why we do that. Why do we feel the need to judge other sufferers and scold them if they have a difference of opinion on their own diagnoses?

I don't agree with the guy mind you. OCD is definitely a mental illness. At the same time I can understand his side of the argument. Somethings that are considered "disorders" in my opinion may not actually fit the definition.

Disorder- a state of confusion.

Like ADD for instance. It is an impairment but only to the conventional ways of learning and thinking. And there are a lot of people with ADD and ADHD that look at it as something other than a disorder. When we look at people that have suffered from ADD and ADHD, we may see a lack of focus on certain things but a huge amount of creativity and focus on other things.  In fact, some of the greatest minds in history have been diagnosed with ADD and ADHD and even though they struggled they were still able to do amazing things and create new ideas that one else had ever considered before. Is ADD or ADHD a disorder or do we need to really look at it as a different way to learn and experience the world? And before I am taken and tared and feathered for saying that, my oldest has ADD. He is bright, intelligent, funny, and extremely creative. He struggles in classes he finds monotonous and boring but in classes where they are hands on and teach him in a way where he is actively involved....he does much better. I have started to look at his ADD as something else rather than just a disorder. I look at it as a way he learns. Which is different from mine, but that doesn't make it wrong. It just makes it different. It makes him different and in many cases smarter than I was at that age. I have a hard time believing that what he has is wrong and have started to believe that the way we teach may be flawed. He has to learn a different way and maybe instead of trying to confine all children and forcing them to learn the old way isn't necessarily right. Maybe he has an impairment or maybe he is of a higher intelligence and the regular way of teaching lacks the way to reach him. Maybe his brain simply has to be stimulated and sitting in a class where power points and long drawn out lectures are the norm, just may not be stimulating enough. Maybe he has an ability we confuse as a disorder because we lack the ability to understand it. I don't always understand what he goes through but the one thing I do know is that what he has is not a state of confusion. He is inattentive not confused. I sometimes think maybe we are the ones that are confused because we are unable to get on his level and understand how his brain retains knowledge. Maybe it isn't him...maybe it is us. Maybe we have the disorder rather than those that have ADD and ADHD.

And if we follow this way of thinking, I can understand what the guy was trying to say with his post.

For me, OCD is a disorder. It is a state of confusion for all of those involved. It does have some positives as well as many negatives. It is a different way of living. It does make things complicated and yet you tend to appreciate things more.

And that leads me to why I understand this man's post. I disagree with him, but on the other hand I do believe that all of us deal with our issues the way we deal with them. I for one, feel that my OCD is a huge part of who I am. I can't say that something I have had since the age of four hasn't changed me or shaped who I am. It has and it does. It makes me more sensitive to other's pain because I understand pain on a very real level. It makes me hold all that I have dear to me, because at one time I felt very much alone. It does have an impact on my day to day life and not all of it is positive. In fact, on many days it is a visceral struggle to accomplish my plans. It has left me unable to work. Unable to go out of my house as much as I would like. Unable to do a great deal of many things that I fight to do on a daily basis. I don't know what life is like when you are "normal" because I have had it since early childhood so I do not remember what "normal" feels like. And therefore, I do not know who I would be without it or what my life would be like. I can't say that it doesn't define me because in many ways, it does. It isn't all of me but it is a great deal of me. I could say otherwise but that would be a lie, and I don't lie.

I am not proud to have OCD but then on the other hand I am proud that I am a survivor of it. That I am a fighter. That I am open and honest and trying to turn my struggles and hardships into something more positive by writing and trying to help enlighten others on how OCD affects people. I am not proud of OCD but I refuse to be ashamed of it either. So I can understand his point of view to a degree. And I believe it is his right to believe what he chooses. Whether he wants to be proud of it or not.

Then I am disheartened by the comments he received. Why are we jumping all over his beliefs? We don't have to agree with him but we don't have to be defensive and insulting either. We know what OCD is like. We know the pain and devastation it causes. What right do we have to insult and demean his ability to accept OCD as anything other than how we perceive it to be? If he feels that for him it is a way of life and not a disorder then why can't we just let him believe that way? Why must he conform to our ideas of OCD?


Is OCD hard? Yes. Is it hell? Absolutely. Do we suffer? Yes. Does that mean we have to be insensitive to the other people that suffer the same disorder? No. And we shouldn't judge. Because frankly, every single one of us has been judged for having it. We are all familiar with what that feels like. Maybe he doesn't want to see OCD as a bad thing. Maybe he has decided to accept it in a different way? Maybe he wants to view the beast in his mind as something positive? Is that so wrong? Is it so wrong to believe that different is okay?

I wrestle with this conundrum. I hate my OCD and yet I am also thankful for it because although I suffer I know who I am. I like who I am. I like my life and without it, my life would be completely different. Maybe it wouldn't be as good as this one. Maybe I would never have had my children or spent the time to really have gotten to know myself. Who knows?

But what I do know is that we shouldn't be yelling and condemning each other. We should be supportive of each other especially, since we know what it is like to live with OCD. Weird opinions or not we should have each other's backs. In a world when we are judged by everyone else do we really need to be throwing that same judgement at our own sufferers? Can't we have different beliefs about our diagnoses and still support one another? I wonder....I really do.


Neurotic Nelly

Freaking Myself Out...

So an update: I went and had the massage and it was nice. A bit awkward at first but it really helped my back and shoulders. Would I do it again? Sure. Do I want to get massage more than once a year...not really. It just really isn't my thing to do it very often. I mean hell, I haven't gone to a hairstylist in two years. I am just not very high maintenance, I guess.

I am having a problem as an OCD sufferer, that seems to be a reoccurring issue. I am freaking myself out...again. I won't sleep tonight. I have the sit down with my oldest's school and my lawyer in the morning. I am nervous. Sick to my stomach. My anxiety level is through the roof. I am worried they are going to lie some more and try to make this all seem like my fault. I am not really good with confrontational people. I have learned to stand up for myself better along the years but the thought of sitting in a group of confrontational people makes my pulse rise, my mouth dry, and my stomach turn. I just have to remember that this is for my son. If I remember that then I can do anything or take any kind of criticism. I will do anything for my children.

I hope that I look nice. I hope that I can pull off putting on enough make up to cover up the twelve pound bags I will be carrying under my eyes. I hope that my nerves don't get the best of me and I cry. I really hate when I do that. I hope that I can say what needs to be said to help my son and also to get the point across that how you treat your students really affects their performance. I hope that they see how my son needs their help and how the way they have acted only hurts those they are supposed to be helping. I hope that we make headway and the 504 goes through. We only have seven weeks of school left and I really need the good habits and work ideas figured out before he starts home school next year. I need this but more importantly he really needs this. I can't do it all on my own. I really need their help.

I guess all of this anxiety is just really a culmination of hopes and fears and a God awful case of the what if's. I really detest the what if's.

Sigh. It is just so scary to put your child's future in other people's hands or ask unwilling people to throw you a bone and be more helpful. I am scared plain and simple. I mean what happens if they don't give him the help he needs or they just keep doing what they have been doing so far? What does that mean for him? Will I have failed him as a mother again, like I did when I took him to the doctor in first grade and asked if he had ADHD and the doctor said no because he wasn't hyper? And I didn't push harder because maybe the doctor said what I secretly wanted to hear? That there was nothing that was going to make my child struggle. I didn't willingly let it go , I really trusted that doctor, but I remember being so relieved. Because I was ignorant on ADHD and I wanted my child not to be struggling. I clung to that branch of denial like a person drowning in a lake full of trees. I wanted him to not have this and so maybe looking back on it, I didn't push for answers strongly enough. I just took what that doctor said and ran with it. It ended up hurting my son in the long run and I will always hold that blame. That it took so long to get him correctly diagnosed.

Now I don't want to waste anymore time. I want to get started with helping him right away. I want to help him now and get him the help he needs with his school now. I don't have time for the teachers to take it personally or have their egos get involved. It isn't about me, or them. It is all about my son. How can I make them see that?

I wish I could just write what I want to say. Things always come out better if I write it.

I keep going over what I want to say over and over again. Trying to memorize it even thought I know there is no point in that because it never plays out the way you imagined it would.

I guess, I am just....worried.

So I wanted ask if you guys would do something for me. If you are a praying person would say one for me and all of the parents and kids that have to deal with this ridiculous crap? And if praying is not your thing, will cross your fingers for me? I could really use all the help I can get.

Thanks guys,
Neurotic Nelly

I'm About To Rant...

I am very upset and I apologize now for the following, foul mouthed rant, but it needs to be said.

I admit it....I was ignorant. Completely unaware of what people that suffer from a learning disability such as ADHD and ADD go through. I was ignorant until a few months ago when I started to strongly suspect my oldest was suffering from ADD.

In reality, we have known he has a problem with focusing since first grade. His teacher at that time, suggested he may have it and like good parents we took him to the doctor who poo pooed on the idea. Of course our son was not hyper active so there was nothing wrong with him.

Now I should say, that my oldest is brilliant. I know that all parents feel that way about their children but in this case I have the test scores to back it up. All of his teachers have told me how intelligent he is but they have all complained of his loss of focus, bad organization, and losing his homework. It didn't seem to affect his high marks in the lower grades but last year it started to become a big deal. His grades suffered and he started feeling bad about himself. We tried helping him feel better about it. I mean, he is only a kid.

This year we tried new ways to help keep him organized and help focus. To no avail. Then after a surprise ambush by the teachers in front of my son, in which one teacher suggested his math scores were of a special ed student, I got angry. Who says that to an eleven year old? Seriously. Especially, since they could look at his testing all of the years before and knew this was not indicative of what he has scored. He lost all self esteem and started to call himself stupid.


As any parent would feel, it breaks my heart to see him hurting and worse to belittle himself. As I and my husband confronted the teachers about their behavior, the testing for ADD came back up. Instead of listening to what the original doctor said, I started to research it. And my son was the epitome of ADD. I took him to his new doctor and got the paper worked filled out by his teacher.

Friday it was confirmed. My son has ADD. Finally an answer to his struggling. I was relieved because we now have a name and if you can name your ailment you have a better chance of fighting it. We have spent hours talking to our son about how this doesn't mean that he can't achieve things, he will just have to work a little harder than other kids. How many extremely bright people have this and have made huge accomplishments. That this in no way means that he is less smart than other kids. We have spent days discussing how this isn't his fault and that he is not broken or damaged or a freak.

Fast forward to Monday. I turned in the paperwork for the program my school is supposed to put him on to help him with extra time and to learn better organizational habits. He also will be getting therapy and counseling to deal with the anxiety and low self esteem that I believe the school has created. The school with it's belittling and inappropriate comments have made my brilliant child feel dumb. And I am pissed.

The paper my son's doctor gave me was supposed to be handed to the principal. Instead, I was told to hand it to his teacher who then proceeded to take me to the special ed teacher. I was a bit confused. Why was this lady asking me a bunch of personal questions about my kid if the meeting we were supposed to have hadn't happened yet? Why was she asking me about my child if the "program" hasn't even been discussed? Why does she want to know what he struggles with and if he will be on medication or not? She isn't his teacher nor has she reviewed his case.

Then I was told the school psychiatrist would have to diagnose my son. Which is bull , the doctor already did that. I was told he would not need a "Program" that they would just switch some things around, which I did not like because he wouldn't get the extra testing time he needs. Then the special ed teacher said he would get the program but this all depended on what the psychiatrist had to say. Which again, was confusing. I am unclear on how an official diagnoses from a certified doctor can be ignored. This is the United States...right?

Then I was asked if I would place my son in the after school math tutoring program which they assured me would "fix" his problem...
....
Seriously..... Like being in the class he hates three extra days a week is going to improve his ADD that specifically is active in that class. Being taught by the same teacher he has the worst time focusing with....Yeah that makes total sense.

Then I was railroaded down the hall to the math teacher's class and the teacher that was leading me around proudly proclaimed, that yes my son would be joining the tutoring for math class.

  I was even more pissed. But I held it together because there were kids around and I didn't think it would be appropriate to yell obscenities in their presence, no matter how desperately I wanted to.

I was made promises that a teacher helper would go through my son's homework folder with him to make sure that all of his work was where it needed to be and to help him keep it organized, at least until they were able to come up with a program for my son. That was Monday, people.

Not one person has looked in this kids folder. Not one. Ever.

And the last thing that royally cheesed my cheddar, the piece de resistance as they say,  was after all of the meetings we have had before this, after the official diagnoses, after the railroading I got on Monday, the math teacher had the nerve.....the...nerve...to tell my son I needed to sign his planner because he wasn't paying enough attention in her class.
..............................
I am just going to let that sink in for a second. I have done everything right. Gotten all of the paperwork together. Turned it in. Told everyone that my son has ADD and this is what I get. Snarky remarks that are totally ridiculous.

So I checked and signed his planner and I added a little note too.

"Since my son has been officially diagnosed as having ADD and I have filed for the IEP and 504 that is understandable."

And I sat there and seethed anger because this shit is just uncalled for. Seriously. Yay, let's as adults all pick on the ADD kid and just try to knock him down just one more peg. Because he doesn't feel bad enough about his issues. Because he doesn't worry that he will get in trouble for it, he now needs an ass whole teacher getting onto him in class, shaming him, and then making it seem like I was going to be mad at him because of it. Because of what, a disorder that he can't help!!!??? Are you fucking serious!!!

And just when I thought I couldn't be anymore frustrated, annoyed, disappointed, and angry I find out today that she didn't even bother to read his planner. She wanted me to sign it to make my son feel bad but didn't care enough to check and see if I even wrote anything back.

So right then and there I made a decision. Next year my oldest is going to be home schooled. I absolutely will not allow the public school system to tear down my son's self esteem any further. I will not allow them to take my brilliant, sweet, kind, compassionate child and turn him into someone who blames himself and hates himself. Because I have been down that road and that is something I do not wish on anyone, let alone my own child.

And it got me thinking....my God, my kid can not be the only one that has had this shit happen to them. He is not the only one that has been shamed and accused of not caring. Not the only to have felt helpless and stupid not because he was but because the school was too lazy or too ignorant to know how to help him. We are not the only parents doing absolutely all that we can to help instill a positive outlook a good self esteem and manage something like ADD and ADHD and get placated and lied to. We are not the only parents frustrated, and disillusioned, and frankly down right pissed. Pissed that our kids are demeaned overlooked and are left to slip through the cracks. Good kids, that frankly, in this day and age deserve a hell of a lot better. This is 2014 not the fucking stone age and there are programs that are state demanded to be used and yet here we are, angry, sad, and hurting for our kids. It's nuts. It's damaging to our kids, and it is unacceptable.

A few months ago if asked, I would have said that kids that suffer from a learning disability didn't have it any harder than the rest of the kids. I thought there was special help for them and that all schools were willing to offer that help. I admit that I was wrong and I was completely wholly ignorant. My eyes are opened to the reality and the reality is pretty damn sad.  Kids with ADD and ADHD do have it harder. They do struggle and they are falling through the cracks of a system that has failed them in every way that counts.

I realize that now and it makes me sad. It makes me sad that I now have to try and undo the damage my son's teachers have done to his self esteem, his sense of self worth, and his belief that he can be anything he puts his mind to. And it not only saddens me, it devastates my whole belief in the public school system as a whole.


Neurotic Nelly