Ugh

Recently I was reading a post by a woman who suffers from OCD.  As a fellow sufferer I felt her pain and anguish. I was reading through the comments left on her page. I was, at first, really comforted by the support she was receiving until I started to read posts referring to her diet and vitamin intake. I was horrified and angry. Neither of these posters were doctors or dietitians.  In fact, one of them said they had never known anyone with OCD. I am going to take a second to say that some mental illness is vastly improved by diet. There are some forms of autism that have had great success with a change of diet and supplements  That being said not all metal illness can be cured by salads and gluten free pasta. It would be like thinking that one antibiotic cures all infections. It is not so and it does not work  People need to stop it. Just stop. Stop sitting on your high horse and judging everyone. Stop telling people that have no idea what OCD is or people that have just been diagnosed that diet change can cure them. It gives them false promises that can not be fulfilled. It makes them think that they can cure themselves with special salads with extra tomatoes. It victimizes us. Gives us false hopes. When we fail to cure our disease with these ridiculous notions we are left feeling like failures. We are left feeling hopeless and ashamed. Are you going to be there to pick up the pieces left behind from your "helpful" advice. No you are not. Diets help some mental illness but it does not change OCD. OCD  is a genetic mental illness. It is a hereditary disease. Do not tell me that if my grandmother had stayed away from fried chicken or ice cream that I would not suffer from OCD. That's silly. People unfamiliar with how OCD works, that believe this tripe will then start to judge us. They will get the idea that if we eat differently or change our habits that we could tame our OCD. That we are somehow responsible for our own disorder. That we can change the severity. That we want to suffer. This is simply not true. It is damaging. It is hurtful.
All of my life I have suffered from OCD. It has been a hard struggle. I don't need some holier than thou person who heard that their second cousin's best friend's sister once had OCD and cured it with vitamins. It is ridiculous. If you are not a doctor, dietitian  or OCD sufferer do not tell people that they should try dietary supplements or diets to change their symptoms. Stop harming them with your unproven and  highly inaccurate advice. You are wrong and are spreading the myth that we must like to suffer or we would change our eating habits. If I had an extra toe because my family all had extra toes and it passed on to me would you suggest that I take a vitamin or eat differently so it would disappear? Of course not. That would be silly. That would be dumb. OCD was passed down to me. I don't like it , but I have to accept it. If your advice actually worked, don't you think OCD would be extinct? No one wants to suffer like this. No one wants to be told that their suffering is because they didn't try hard enough or eat well enough. You can not cure OCD. There is no magical pill, special vitamin, or phantom diet that will change that. It is something that we will live with for the rest of our lives. We make it better with therapy and medication. We make it better by talking about it and being honest with ourselves and each other. We do not make it better by spouting off things we have no idea about. We do not make it better by saying that we can cure ourselves by diets and vitamins. Please before you make comments about how you think diets will cure everything, research the disorder you are talking about. Please educate yourself. If you do not your advice may be doing much more harm than good.
                                                                    Neurotic Nelly

Failure

Failure is a huge fear for everyone. It plagues our thoughts. It fills our dreams. It prevents us from trying to reach our dreams. Most people's fears of failure is about a promotion, a career, or a relationship. For people with mental illness it can be much smaller things that we are afraid to fail at. For us it can be a simple as failing to be able to leave the house. To go to school. To even get a job because at some point our illness is going to appear at work and make it impossible to work. I used to love school. I was an excellent student. I liked most of my teachers and was respectful to all of them. I stunk at Math but I excelled at Reading and Language Arts. I love books. Their contents are precious. The old musty smell of hundreds of uses before me. I would often check the names of who this book belonged to before me and try to imagine what their lives were like and what they did now. I loved this class so much I wished it was the only one that we had. I was as odd child. I used to and still use big words that the other kids didn't understand. I loved book reports and assignments. Reading was a away to escape myself. In them I could be the hero. I could be tall and beautiful. I could be brave and strong. I could be all the things I was not.

 In high school the anxiety started. I had lots of friends so I wasn't sure why getting out of the car or to the bus stop would scare me. I couldn't breathe. The world would close in on me and the floor seemed to move. Many times I was frozen to the seat and the tears would rain down. I was unable to walk in to the building I so loved. In my freshman year I missed half of the classes most of the time. I was smart enough and my test scores were good enough that I was passed. The school was made aware of what was going on. I tried so hard to go. Often times I failed. After passing sophomore year came. It was the second day of school and I had to miss because I was sick. It wasn't anxiety this time. I was fine to go the next day and so I did. I was doing really well and proud of myself. Maybe I had beat this stupid anxiety. I had my English class second period and although I had only met the teacher once I just knew she was going to be great. This, after all, was my element. I couldn't wait. I had to go to her and give her my absence letter. She took one look at me and in a snarl said,"We aren't going to do this missing school all the time thing  again are we?"

That was it. I don't remember anything else that day. I was crushed. I was devastated. Her unkind words made it impossible to go back. I could not face her again. After I was doing so well she had judged me and found me lacking. Worse she humiliated me in front of my peers. My anxiety was back full force. I had to be home schooled after that. The school agreed to work with me at home. I was fine with that but I had missed out on all the friendships and experiences that I could have had. All because she didn't believe that my illness was real. I felt like a failure.

Working was something that I loved. I love to talk to others. I love being around people.  I excelled at doing what was asked of me.After a month the anxiety was back. I became unable to leave the house. I started to get physically ill. I was fired. Again, I  failed.

It is has gotten to the point that anxiety comes when I have to do something as a schedule. I had a lady last year come visit me. It was every Tuesday. After two months I was trying to hide from her so she would think I was not home. I couldn't even face her to tell her why I could not talk to her anymore. I finally broke down and called her. I thanked her for her time and her compassion. Failure.

That's what I wanted to tell her. That I was a failure and I have failed in everything that everyone else seems to be effortless at. That I am broken to the point that I can not function like I should. That I look like I am normal but inside I am a complete basket case.

It took me years to realize that I am not a failure. That I may have failed at things I have tried, but the difference between a failure and me is that I keep trying. I get back up and try something else. I always try. I can't be like everyone else, because I am not like everyone else, and that is ok. I don't have to be.

If you have anxiety please realize, it is not you. It is not your fault. You are not a failure. You just have a different path to take. And if you are reading this and you know someone that has anxiety do not make them feel bad for not being able to do certain things. We are aware of what we can not do. We know what we have failed at and we don't need you to remind us. We deserve better treatment than to be made fun of or chastised.  We don't need you to do that for us, we do that to ourselves enough already.. Chances are you are not perfect either and you should take time to reflect on that before you judge.

                                                       Neurotic Nelly