What Matters Most....

I ran across a profound quote/ title of a book the other day that I would like to share with you guys. It stirred something inside me as poetry often does. It made me ponder. It made me think. Which could go either way on if that's a good thing or not.

What matters most is how well you walk through the fire....

This speaks to me. It is a low pitch hum that rolls under my feet. It ignites electrical sparks in my brain. It breathes new life into me and yet steals away bits of my soul. It makes my mouth dry and my voice weak. It is truth and lies and everything in between. It says to me all of the fears I have are pointless. It reminds me that it does me no good to fret if I refuse to walk over the coals in the first place. It makes me feel strong and weak at the same time. It makes me rethink my past and comb it over like Donald Trump's bad hair.  Excavating each piece and examining it. Am I doing all I can? Am I giving myself a chance? Do I give myself enough credit for the things I have managed to accomplish or maybe too much credit? Am I over analyzing again? Of course I am, I have OCD. I over analyze everything, myself, my day, the lines in the grass....

And what does this simple phrase mean to me or rather about me?

Everyone walks through their own personal hell. Their own fire that singes and burns. Everyone has issues and problems. Some people choose not to face them. Some people pretend nothing is wrong. Some people don't know what to do and panic and some people just look the other way. At some point all the king's and horses and all the king's men can not stop all of the castles from falling. There is always a stopping point, a place of no return when you either jump or fly, sink or swim, crawl or walk.  Everyone will have to walk across the fire.

I have accepted that I am walking. I have accepted the pain, the burns, the soot covered feet, those awful smudged black footprints stamped all over my life. They are a real pain to try get out of  the carpet.  I have accepted that life is a learning experience and been reminded over and over again that learning can be agonizing. I have accepted that my struggles are long and my issues are many. I make no excuses for that. I see them clearly. And so what? My whole life is a fiery ravine to be crossed. It has been fraught with issues and obstacles. I can't let that stop me. I can't just sit on the side lines and be stationary. I don't have the luxury to simply look the other way. I never did. I am forced to walk through the fire and you know what? I am determined to do as good as I can. I am determined to be a walking, talking wave of positivity. Not because I am a naturally bubbly person but because I believe that I deserve to be happy. We all deserve to be happy. So yes, the fire burns and it is extremely hot but that doesn't mean I have to be angry or sad about it. Everyone has issues. Everyone has pain. Everyone else's fire is just as sweltering and painful. I am no different just because my fire is because of OCD or mental illness. Fire is fire and pain is pain.

So you see, it doesn't matter why I have to walk through the fire or what caused the fire in the first place. What is most important is what I do with it. How I choose to walk through it. How I hold myself. How I treat others. How I present myself to the world. That is what matters the most.

So I have decided that since this is my fire I am going to walk through it with a smile and an open hand. An open heart filled with compassion. Only nice remarks on my lips for those that need a kind word. Ears ready to listen and not just hear. A mind ready to learn. Making sure I never cease to tell people that they are worthy no matter what size they are,  they are beautiful no matter how broken they feel, they are valid no matter how often they have been told otherwise.  I will not just walk across the fire I will dance through it because life is hard and painful and yet so very very beautiful at the same time. I will walk through the fire singing opera and folk music and rock and country, and oldies, and Christmas carols, and even rap ( although I have terrible rhythm and you might want to wear ear plugs for that one). Simply because music binds us all together and it is magnificent, all of it, in it's own way. I will walk through the fire offering friendship and acceptance and empathy. I will walk across the fire wearing broken in cowboy boots, my grandma's gaudy jewelry, my favorite jeans and sweater, a doctor who scarf and a top hat. Because I love top hats and Doctor Who and being comfortable and my grandmother and this is my life. I will walk through that fire being totally, completely me and make no apologies for it.  Yes, what makes you have a fire to cross is important. Yes the issues you deal with mean something but what is most valid, what is most important is how you choose to deal with those issues. How you choose to behave and hold yourself. How you choose to either help along the way or ignore as you walk by. What is the most important is how you use your knowledge, how you love, how you guide, and if you can learn to love and accept yourself  each step at a time. To always be as kind as possible, as confident as possible, and most importantly to remember to always be yourself. You are magnificent and you can rock walking through that fire like nobody else.

It doesn't matter where you have come from, what you have been, or where you are going. How sad and broken and scared you have been. How scarred and damaged you have felt. How lonely and anxiety prone you may be. How dorky or cool, or strong you think you are.


What matters most is how well you walk through through the fire.....

I'm not going to just walk through that fire well, I am going to walk through it exceptionally.

Neurotic Nelly

Advice

In honor of mother's day I would like to share with you guys some quotes from some of the amazing women in my life. Below each quote I will describe how these quotes helped me not only with everyday life but also how I apply it to my own mental health issues.

My great grandmother ( Old Grandma) not only taught me how to snap beans, make chicken and  dumplings, which soap operas were her favorite, and that hard work is essential to get anything done, came up with such intriguing advice such as:

"Close your eyes and go to sleep before the bears come in and eat you."

Life: This really doesn't apply to my life situations or mental health. This was told to my mother all through her childhood whenever she spent the night. Thankfully, this was not ever told to me as a child or I would have not slept.....ever. It did not help that she lived in the country by thick dense woods.
Probably why, when my uncle decided to scare my mother and aunt spending the night at my great grandma's house by scratching on the screen at night was so successful. Ahhhh he was such a jokester.

.............................

Great Aunt Lorena (Aunty pronounced Ainty)

"I never would want someone that didn't want me."

Life: Some people are not worth your time. Let it go, move on and find someone better.

Mental: Some people will not understand or care. Don't worry about it. There are always more people to talk to about your issues and make friends with.

..............................

Grandma (Red Headed Grandma/Grain Grain)

"Don't look at them or they will come over here and talk to you."

Life: Sounds like odd advice but if you make eye contact you are opening up yourself for conversations you may or may not want to have. Case in point, back when there was a scare of terrorists using anthrax, I was at the Goodwill. I was aware I was being stalked by a very strange woman. I did not heed my grandmother's advice, I looked at her and made eye contact. Thus, opening the door to a conversation. She didn't bother with the normal greetings. She walked over to me and asked if I thought terrorists would put Amtrak in our water. I assured her I believed we were perfectly safe from that.(I have no official knowledge on such things, but I was pretty confident terrorists had better things to do than poison our water system with trains.) I didn't have the heart to correct her. If I had listened to my grandma's advice I would have missed out on what is probably the oddest conversation with a stranger I have ever had, and I have had some whoppers.

Mental: Only look directly at things that you want to delve into. If you are not ready to really examine a certain problem then don't look at it. When you want to fix the things going wrong, you need to really look at them. They will open up and come talk to you.


"Fried potatoes go with anything"

Life: Can you think of one dinner that couldn't use a heaping spoon of fried taters? Nope. Potatoes are marvelous.

Mental: There is always room for things you like. Too much of a good thing can be bad, however. Moderation is the key to dealing with mental issues. I make room for things I like as long as I do not stress myself out by doing them too much.


"Everything Comes out in the warsh."

Life: Yes, I said warsh because that is how she says it. It means everything will be fine, don't worry about it.

Mental: With my OCD, I can get bogged down by worries that are not that important or are blown out of proportion  It will turn out to be nothing, later. Nine times out of ten it turns out just fine and I wasted time fretting over nothing.

...................

Mom (Mommy)

"Beautiful is a state of mind."

Life: Beauty is subjective to the beholder

Mental: I am beautiful not just in spite of my differences but because of them.


"You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar"

Life: Be nice

Mental: Even when frustrated try to be polite. People will like you more. No one wants to hang out with a complete jerk. You can't like yourself if you are mean to everyone. I want to and need to like myself.



"Never Be ashamed of who you are."

Life: I don't have to be perfect

Mental: I am not perfect and I may have mental illness, but I will never be ashamed of it. I can not help what is wrong with me. I didn't choose this, but I can choose to live my life to the best of my ability. Shame is not welcome in my life, anymore.


......................

Sister In Law (NoNo)

"Always carry an umbrella."

Life: Umbrellas are good for protection. It protects you from the rain but also rabid dogs and maniacal attackers. It can be a weapon of protection. Not to mention it can match your outfit.

Mental: Always be prepared that things can quickly turn into a situation you did not see coming. Always have a back up plan so that if you encounter something that knocks you on your butt, you can smack it in the face and say I am not going down like that. Be prepared to have mental preparation in case you need it.

 
So in all of this advice and quotes we can learn to help ourselves. We sometimes forget that others might know more than we do, because they have gone through it first. They have taken the time to share their lives and truths with us and we should be grateful.  Whether we need to hear that we are worthy, we are strong, or how not to worry, we should appreciate what we are given. They know what they are talking about. So as we think of our mothers, lets also think of their mothers and so on. The women that taught us all how to be the people we are now. And always believe it almost always comes out in the warsh.  Now as you go to sleep tonight and your all comfy and warm under your covers, and your about to nod off to dream land, just remember close your eyes or the bears might come in and eat you.....Night all.
                                   Neurotic Nelly