Sooooo Overrated......

I am tired. So very tired. I have been so busy, I am not even sure what day it is. It is Tuesday right? I hope so, otherwise I have written on the wrong day.....again. This online school stuff with my oldest takes all day and it leaves me with virtually no time to clean my house like I need to. It is slowly driving me insane. This must be what is like to be a teacher. We don't pay them enough...they need more incentives because this shit is hard. I have to do math now......math!!!! Ugh.

I was trying to decide what to write about today, and I would like to write something informative but I am distracted by the fact that my 22 lb orange tabby smells like he has rolled in the litter box again. He hasn't because he is too fat to do so but I am wracking my brain on how he could clean himself every second of everyday and yet he still smells so horrid. I am going to have to give him a bath. As in, a real bath with actual water. I don't think this is going to be pleasant for either one of us. In fact, I am writing now because I am somewhat concerned that I won't be physically able to type after I do bathe my fat fur baby. I like my arms to be scratch free but I like my house not to reek of stinky cat more....If you don't hear from me on Thursday than you know my cat was extremely displeased and went all Cujo on me. Yikes.

Okay enough of my crazy everyday life problems. Seriously, I have no idea why I felt the need to write all of that. I apologize for making you read such drivel but that is what was on my OCD mind and I always like to write about whatever nutso thing is going through my head when I sit down to blog, God help us all...On to today's post.
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I was reading some posts today and I ran across the topic of self esteem. I think most people suffer from self esteem issues in their life times. I mean, if they don't then they are seriously lucky and should probably play the slot machines in Vegas. Self esteem issues seem to be a right of passage for most of us. It is even more of an issue for people that suffer from mental illness.

We suffer and because we suffer, we often times feel bad about ourselves. If it isn't the emotional turmoil we deal with on a daily basis, than it is the negative voice that tells us how worthless we think we are. It tells us how broken we are. How unlike everyone else we seem to be. We try and ignore it but it is hard to ignore a voice that lives in your own head. It isn't as if you can simply out run your own mind.

And like most people with low self esteem, we end up doing things that we feel even worse about later. We often end up being over sexualized so we can feel like we are desired. We usually feel like crap afterwards but in a rush to feel accepted, we often will go through demeaning things just to be "liked" no matter how fleeting that feeling may be. We can end up trying "illegal substances" or drinking alcohol too much. We end up in bad relationships and tend to put up with other people's abuse because we deep down feel that it is what we deserve. We sadly, end up being taken advantage of or manipulated more often than we realize. Why?

Because we want to be loved. We want to feel less alone. We want to finally fit in. We yearn to be acknowledged and accepted. We struggle to fill this hole that lives inside us, without ever realizing that we need to fill that hole not with others opinions of us but with ourselves. To put it simply, we look to be accepted because often times we struggle with accepting ourselves and it is painful. We know that we are different and we place blame on ourselves for that. It is a form of self destruction even though we don't always see that is what we are doing.

It takes a lot of years to reach the conclusion that the only opinion that really changes your life, is the opinion you have about your own self. If you call yourself stupid or worthless than you never see that you are in fact, neither of those things. We develop habits of putting ourselves down.

Much like an abusive relationship, we slowly grind our own self esteem down further. It is like an abusive relationship because it is, in fact, an abusive relationship. We are in an abusive relationship with ourselves. We punish ourselves. We degrade ourselves and we don't even realize we are doing it.

The truth is, that we are different. That we feel things in a different way than others. That we struggle. That we have issues but none of that makes us bad or worthless. If anything it makes us stronger than the average person. It makes us wiser and more compassionate. We beat ourselves up for things that we can not help and that is rather pointless, now isn't it. There are things we can change about ourselves and there are things that we can't but that in no way makes us broken. It in no way makes us less than. It simply makes us....well us.  And frankly, whether we know it or not, we are truly magnificent and wonderful people. We just have to realize that we are worth more than we give ourselves credit for and stop letting others dictate how much love we deserve. If we can learn to love ourselves first, then their opinions don't mean Jack. And Jack is sooooo overrated anyways. We deserve better than being someone's after thought or someone else's entertainment. We deserve to love ourselves.


Neurotic Nelly

Not Just Today But Always...Rant....

Okay, I am mad. Seriously mad.

I just read about the "taking selfies is a mental disorder" hoax. I am mad for two reasons. One, that some asshat of a company decided that this was an amusing thing to write. Two, that people clung to it with a feverish grasp much like a man drowning in a sea of cats...

I don't know how many times I have to ask this, but apparently I have to ask it again....When will people start to take mental illness seriously? When? I would really like a date so I can mark it down on my calendar. Circle it with a bright red sharpie so I can go out that day and not have to worry about such paltry things as stigma and ignorance or shaming and intolerance. I want to know when I can walk down the street and proclaim to my peers that yes, I have a mental illness and no, it does not make a monster, or a freak, or a less worthy human being...

I am angry that a company used what I have struggled and fought against for the thirty one of almost thirty five years of my life as fodder, not just fodder, but fodder to "amuse" the masses. Clearly these people have no idea what is like to struggle on not just a daily basis but an hourly one. Trying not to let it get me down. Trying to remain hopeful even though, I know I will have mental illness for the rest of my life. Trying desperately not to let "triggers" take over my very existence. Trying not to fall into the trap many people do and become suicidal. Not to give up hope. Always be thankful. Try and remain strong...

Maybe I am wrong? Maybe the suffering of hundreds of thousands of people around the globe is somehow amusing? Maybe I  missed that memo???? Oh well, it says so on facebook, so it must be true. Who am I to question it? Maybe I am just stupid and my feeble mind just can't understand the need to poke fun at people like me?

And I know what stupid feels like. Because of my mental illness, I called myself stupid many times along with a bunch of other negative adjectives as well. Lost, worthless, ignorant, broken, damaged, less than, pathetic, not smart enough, not strong enough, not good enough, lazy, socially defunct, inept, and unlovable. These thoughts circled around in my head every minute of every day and because I heard them so much, I believed every word. I was broken. I was damaged. I was gross. Who would want a pathetic, worthless, loser like me?

Years I struggled with my triggers and self doubt. My pain worn on my sleeve like a red stain for all to see. I was in agony everyday. My mind betrayed me and I blamed myself because after all, it was my mind and surely I should have control of it. But I didn't and I don't....And it made me hate myself just that much more.

I find a company trying to make my pain and struggles into something stupid and laughable, a huge insult. And if you have struggled the way I have, you should too. I am sorry, I just don't find the leading cause of suicide in this country, humorous. No, you know what? I am not sorry. Because I am a human being and every human being matters in this world regardless of how badly they feel about themselves, or their diagnoses, or their perceived faults. No one deserves to die alone in some crappy place because they can't see any other way out of the pain and torment that they endure in their lifetime but to end their lives. No one and shame on you for implying that mental illness is somehow funny. It's not. It's devastating to those who have it and to all of those that love them.

And to those of you that think taking too many pictures of yourself is somehow a mental illness.....stop. Just stop already. You haven't the first notion what mental illness is. It is not "Oh this picture makes me look sexy" or "Oh here is me standing in front of my bathroom mirror looking hot in front of the toilet bowl" or "Here is me eating this huge hamburger with my friends after a night of drinking cheap beer on ladies night". Mental illness isn't about taking eighty five pictures of yourself trying to impress others with your body or your fashion choices, it's about pain and suffering. It is about feeling ashamed that you aren't like everyone else. And sadly it is about hating yourself. Because that is what mental illness does. It makes you blame yourself for every single abnormal issue about you. It is about hating that you can't be like everyone else. You can't work, or drive, or feel at ease. You can't just get up and be happy or your moods cycle so fast you feel like you just get the afterburn of them. There is no "I love being messed up" selfie. Or the "I am so sexy while I stick my finger down my throat because I am not yet the 85lbs I want to be."  There is no pic of "I love that I compulsively touch door knobs or scrub the walls til my hands bleed." or the "Look I am in so much pain I cut myself again". Nor is there an "I just can't take one more day of this agony, I going to kill myself" sexy pose. There is a reason for that.

We are not trying to be sexy or impressive. We are just trying to live in a world that is wholly ignorant of our plight and our struggles. Meating out the punishments and judgments because it just doesn't understand. In the thirty one years of my battles against OCD, I only learned to love myself three years ago. I had to learn to accept my faults and embrace not who I thought I would be, but who I am. That is a really long time to have to wade through the self blame and self hate to get to that point. Years to learn to that I am important. I matter. I count. I stand for something and that something is greatness, no matter how unlike everyone else I may think I am. Who would want that broken, damaged, and gross person I thought I was? Me, I want me because I am different and my life is hard but I am worth the struggle. Not just today but always.

We have to learn to love and accept ourselves in a world that does not. In a world that is ignorant and unprepared to accept us. In a world that thinks the struggles we go through are humorous or entertaining. We have to learn that we are not broken or damaged but different in a world that resists differences with a passion. It is intolerant of us and yet we have to learn to push against such intolerance because we deserve to be here. We count. We matter.

So don't claim that because you want to constantly take pictures of yourself looking pretty for a boy or a girl or to impress all of your friends with how cool you think you are, that you suffer from what we do. You have no idea the pain we live with on a daily bass and you couldn't possibly fathom such pain while you stand in front of a camera winking and acting foolish. We don't have time to worry about such things, we are too busy trying to live our lives one step at a time.


Neurotic Nelly