I was going to write yesterday but unfortunately I have been struck down with what can only be described as the worst head cold in the world. A flaming gungamo if you will. So I figured I would wade through the litany of used snot rags, dirty coffee cups, and the laundry I have been too sick to wash and ignore the thick odor of coffee and Vick's vapor rub that has permeated my home and actually sit down and try to write something. Well, I assume it smells like vapor rub and coffee in here, I lost my sense of smell two days ago along with my ability to taste. I just reheated a cup so I can actually be more alert just for you guys. At least I hope this coffee I am drinking anyway......It looks like coffee.......
Today's topic is on the "don't worry" memes and signs. I really truly have very few things that bother me to the point of frustration. These are one of those things.
"Worry is a misuse of imagination...."
"Worry is a waste of time...."
"Worry is as useless as a handle on a snowball..."
and my person fav......."If you are doing your best you don't have time to worry about failure...."
Yea, right and I am the princess of Never Never Land who rides magical flying carpets to far away lands spouting rainbows from my eyebrows and bringing peace to the world with my tiny sing song voice and my snappy sense of style....
I have an anxiety disorder. It promotes.....anxiety. Hence the name. I don't get an option on weather I am going to worry or not. I am going to worry. It's a fact. Telling me to not worry with cutesy little signs or catchy memes with quotes from three hundred years ago certainly are not going to change that. If anything it just makes me feel worse. Now I know that you haven't the first clue on what having an anxiety disorder like SAD, OCD, or GAD is like.
If it were as simple as to just stop, our lives would be so much easier. But that isn't how it works is it? Telling us not to worry is the same as as telling a diabetic to stop having blood sugar spikes or a heart patient to simply stop having high blood pressure. It's is not possible without outside treatment and even then there are no true guarantees that a spike or pressure change wont happen at some point. Telling me not to worry is the same as telling me to put my head between my knees and assume the crash position because it does nothing to make me stop.
Sometimes I am sitting on the couch and I get the feeling of worry. A tiny niggling in the back of my head that rapidly spreads to the surface and I realize I don't even know what I am worried about. I have actually been worried about worrying over worry. Let that ruminate in your mind for a few seconds. Do you really think that cutesy signs or humorous quotes are really going to "get through to me"? As a person with OCD I worry about the weather, health issues, the bills, germs, does the world have enough straws for everyone, the ozone layer, possible lurking hidden asteroids. I have a ton to worry about and now I have to worry about not worrying so much???? Great just great.
I know the memes and quotes are supposed to be inspiring but for me it makes me feel like I have failed somehow, because I can't stop worrying or just let things go. When I read things that insinuate that I am misusing my imagination or I must not be trying hard enough, it really upsets me. Listen people, I am trying. The fact I get out of my bed in the morning and actually step outside is proof I am trying. It is much easier to stay under the covers. Where it is comfy and warm. Where it is safe. I am trying everyday. I get up, I breathe, I write, I do what errands I need to. That is proof that I am trying! So..... I made my own meme about I feel about all of the "don't worry"," stay calm", and every other just be happy memes out there.
.Okay, I feel the cold medicine kicking in and it's making things kinda fuzzy. Back to bed, or the couch, or pretty much any comfy place to lie down before I fall down. Until tomorrow my friends.....