I am seriously thinking about turning some of my blog posts into a book. So last night, I decided to check out just what all that would entail and I don't mind saying that it was way more complicated than I ever dreamed....and kinda scary too. There are so many options to choose from and so much to do with them. The jargon was so over my head it made me sick to my stomach, my pulse race, my anxiety levels go bonkers, and my head hurt. Coded words like ISBN numbers popped out at me like some ancient foreign language I had never seen before and seemed to dangle just out of my reach of cognition. It made me feel inadequate and reminded me how much of a novice I still am in the writing world. I ended up feeling even more confused after reading the articles about self publishing then I did before I started. Self doubt crept in. I have no idea what I am doing...I'll never be able to publish anything....I will only fail...ect. Then came the second guessing myself. Am I really prepared to do all of this? Am I even capable of doing this? Will anyone even be interested in a book of my posts? What do I have to offer in a world full of wonderful and even not so wonderful self published books? Will mine be good enough?
I feel this way often. Secretly, because of my mental illness, I tend to feel like I am not good enough. Oh, I am good at things....but maybe not good enough. That's the kicker. That tiny little word at the end. Enough. The word seems non threateningly enough. It seems rather innocuous. It is but a small simple word and yet it haunts my dreams like poltergeist. It sticks in my head like a fishing lure bobbing up and down in my cerebral cortex baiting me....Am I good enough? Can I ever be good enough? Good enough at anything?
And so lies many of my dilemmas in life. Often times, I want to do something but fear of failing or the fear of not being good enough hold me back. And not just the fear of it but the pure extreme amounts of anxiety that go with it. It feels like I am falling down the rabbit hole again, and I so despise that feeling.
Many times in life we feel less than. We fear yet another failure in our lives, because we have had so many. And it's not just the big ones that kill our self esteems, but many tiny minuscule ones that add up day after day. Tiny mistakes we see as huge signs of our failures in life, even though most people wouldn't give them a second thought. We beat ourselves up over them repeatedly and the mental illness wins. Anxiety and anarchy ensues and it's right back down the rabbit hole...
It can be something as simple as taking a shower on time or remembering if you turned off the kitchen light. Most people would sweep it out of their minds and go on with their day, but for us it shows as just another example at how we fail. It is silly and ridiculous but this is how mental illness works against you. Against your self esteem and any progress you try to achieve. It is the voice of damnation disguised as the voice of propriety. And we tend to not know which voice to listen to. It, at times, seems to make sense. If you yell at a dog enough it will cower in fear and pee on the floor when you walk in the room. We yell at ourselves so often, so loudly and damn ourselves for every single mistake, slight or not, that we have become fearful. Our thoughts of progress are muted by the voice that makes us cower in fear. The voice. Our voice. Telling us to believe that any attempt at progress will only end in disaster. That we can't achieve. That we can't grow. That we can't believe in ourselves or our own self worth. That we are losers. Completely incapable of being anything but broken. That we are not good enough. That we are never good enough....
And what is that anyway? Like we haven't enough do deal with already? Like it is not enough that we have to put up with ignorance and judgment from those that don't understand mental illness as a whole? We have to punish ourselves too? Why? Why do we do that to ourselves? Why do we allow this voice, this self doubt to dictate our lives? Why is the word Enough, so important that we decide not to try, lest we be smited by it?
I am aware that all of this book publishing stuff is over my head. I am aware of the vast lack of knowledge I have in this department. I am aware of the anxiety coursing through my veins like a bad batch of heroin. The fear that turns my stomach sour. The confusion that pounds in my head like and angry jackhammer clanging away in my skull. I am aware of the feeling and acknowledgement that this might end up on my long list of things I have failed at in my life and yet I am still willing to try. That rabbit hole be damned!
The person who never made a mistake, never tried anything New- Albert Einstein
So, I am going to take ol' Al's advice and try something new. I may fall flat on face, but hey, it's not like I have never done that before. I am cool with falling down, it always gives me the chance to get back up and I excel at getting back up. I have exceptional practice at it.
My greatest hope is that we all can learn to stop being afraid of ourselves and what the voice tells us we can and can't do. That we learn to believe in ourselves and reach for our dreams no matter how crazy and unlikely they seem. People reach their dreams everyday, and truthfully we are no different, we are no less amazing than they are. We just think we are...
So, I am going to try this book thing. I am in over my head but I believe it will either all work out or it won't. But it won't fail because I refuse to try at it. I am capable of trying and I am capable of succeeding. I just have to stop letting fear rule my life first and that starts today. That starts now. That starts with this very post. I will keep you updated on what I am doing with the book and how it is going and if anyone has published anything and knows any tips, Please give me a shout out! I could use all the help I can get. :)
Try, Try, and Try again...