Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Pick Your Battles....

Some days I do well and some days I do not.... That is what I tell people when they ask how I deal with my OCD without medication. Not that with medication it is some easy pleasure cruise. It's not. It is hard both ways. Today was not going to be a good day and I could feel it from the tips of my toes as it shivered down my spine and churned in the pit of my stomach like soured milk. Today was going to be a disaster and I had better change my plans if I wanted to turn it around.

The man that has raised me since the age of 14 is in the hospital with a blood clot in his leg and I am worried about him. My youngest has been having night terrors. My internet has been rebellious and not allowed me to blog let alone stay on the internet. My grandmother just found out she might go completely blind. My sleep is virtually nonexistent and all of this shit just seems to keep piling on top of me until it feels like I am being smothered by fears and worries and an all consuming pressure. I do not do well under pressure. I crack. I break. I stumble. Pressure is my greatest enemy....Today was my three month check up for my diabetes at my doctor's office. As an OCD sufferer that has  germ a phobia as a  symptom, obviously a doctor's office is a big trigger for me. However, I usually manage to make it work and just push through my fears, albeit with my hands slathered in antibiotic gel and my shirt collar over my nose and mouth. I make it. I get through it. I go home. But now with my doctor's aggressive disposition and just down right rudeness, I am having issues not only forcing myself to be in my trigger zone but also in dealing with her on top of it. I worried all night long about it. I obsessed over her being mad at me, because she always is. Her inability to listen to me, answer any questions I may have, or allow me any type of human interaction besides looking at my vitals and telling me what to do (or in the last appointment actually yelling at me). She doesn't listen and I don't trust her and it all makes me highly uncomfortable. I cant change doctors until the beginning of the year so I am stuck having to see "Dr. Battleaxe" until then. I am pressured into to seeing her and she still has my prescription wrong on the bottle as it has been for the last seven months. Not to mention I couldn't get her to refill my diabetes medication over memorial day weekend even though I had called it in three days before and the pharmacy had to spot me some because they couldn't get her to refill it either. Apparently she was busy reading my chart so it took six days to get a refill of a medication I have to have...shameful. All of this plays through my mind and it just makes me want to scream.

And I tried. I really tried to ignore the unease that was rapidly coursing through my veins. I did the pep talk with myself. I was going to force myself to go and just get it over with, like usual but this time it was different. I knew even as I was "talking myself down" out of the anxiety that it wasn't going to work. Oh,  I could have went but getting out of the car once we got there would not have happened. I would have cried and had a full on panic attack right there in front of God and everyone. Then we would have to had gone back home without seeing the doctor anyway and I would have been left feeling embarrassed and defeated at the same time. I would blame myself and be angry that I could not push through the fear and dread. Sometimes you just can't push over a brick wall even when you think you should be able to. I don't want to have to be angry with myself today. I have enough things going on to have to deal with that right now.

Usually I push through it but sometimes you have to know when to step back. You can't win every skirmish of the war and it is wise to learn when to pick your battles. This was one not worth having right now, so I rescheduled for another day. Hopefully, I will get some much needed sleep before I am forced to face my triggers again....for I am battle weary and too exhausted to fight tonight. Tonight I just want to sit back and pretend to be relaxed......I am picking my battles today and I think I am just going to sit this one out. I need a fucking break before I crumple to the floor. Time to let myself off the hook for a bit.


Neurotic Nelly

6 comments:

  1. Yes! Oh my god I'm going through a "war" myself, and having to choose "battles" wisely, and it is exhausting, stressful as hell, not good for health or mental health (or life, in my case), and I am bunt out too. Thank you for saying you need a fucking break and for letting yourself off the hook for a bit. I hope you get some good, re-energizing rest, that is deserved and more than earned. I'm going to try not to think about the "war" that my situation has turned into (long story, will post), or at least stop researching every damn potentially related law in the city and state, when I am trying to get through pms, retain some marbles, summertime blues, agoraphobia, and worse. You are one kickass Lady, and thanks for stating the common sense idea to take a step back from the chaos I add to. peace & love!

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    1. Thank you Frankie and I am sorry you are going through similar battles. Battles suck and we deserve better...you are a kickass lady too and I know you will figure out what you need to do to deal with whatever is going on. Peace and love right back to ya and hang in there!

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  2. I have posted several posts to your blog, most recently on your blog from 6/27/14 and today, 7/22/2014. Please email me and tell me if they have been received. I am extremely motivated to put my shoulder to the wheel to end discrimination against the mentally ill and have set down my criteria for doing so on today's blog, 7/22/2014. I need to know if this is hopeless to get posted on comments on your blog, Wishing you blessings and warmest regards on your most inspiring blogging.

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    1. Daniel, I am sorry but I do not e-mail people. Your comments have been published so you should see them on here. It is not hopeless as I believe all of them have been published except a couple that had no words in them. Thank you so much for the blessings and let me know if you see this comment.

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  3. Just found your blog!

    Wow, gotta say your doctor sounds like a jerk! Any chance that the next time she yells at you, you could tell her that yelling doesn't help matters? Yikes that would be rough. I'm really sorry for everything going on in your world right now. I agree, you do have to pick your battles. Hang in there.

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    1. Thank you so much 71, I really appreciate your support! My doctor is a jerk, lol but I only have to deal with her for a few more months and then I can get a new one, thankfully.

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