This Means War.....

                    I have never had a problem with birds per say.....I even had a pair of "love birds" a few years back. Except they more tolerated each other rather than  loved each other. They were decent pets although, you didn't really do much with them and they had this talent for being able to poop outside of the cage even when their butts were inside the cage....as an OCD sufferer this was so not cool. I gave them to my grandma after a few years because she loves birds and birds for me, seem like they should be free. That way if they hate each other they don't have to actually be forced to lived together forever and no one should have to poop in a cage.

None of this has anything to do with my current problem except to prove that I am not a bird hater.

For the last year or so my front porch has been covered in bird poop at any given time. Mostly in a straight line all the way across my red brick porch half wall. It never fails, that at some point, I will be out there with a wet broom and hot soapy water scrubbing away like a ship's deckhand, trying to remove it all. It is unsanitary but even more than that, it is just fucking gross. And it seems to be happening more and more often and at a higher poop percentage.

And they have gotten even more devious and sneaky about it. You never see them actually do it, but let's be real....someone is using my front porch as a public toilet. Before you start thinking I am paranoid, riddle me this.....a couple of days ago, I went outside to get into my car. On the passenger side because I don't drive. And what do I find? Apparently, the birds decided to dive bomb my car but only on my side and only on my window. So while everyone else was bird poop free, my window had giant splotches of bird crap all over it. My kids thought this was just hilarious.

I blamed the red breasted robins innocently (or so it appeared) in my neighbors yard. I mean, what else am I going to think?

And then yesterday we had gone out to the Home Depot to get some paint and when we pulled up to our house I saw them. No, not the red breasted robins, I had falsely accused of barraging me with poop, (sorry robins) but black birds. Little evil black birds lined up on my porch wall, twelve to thirteen of them. And there were more on my actual porch floor. I had finally caught them red handed.....

And here is where I developed the crazy old man-get off my lawn mentality. I swung open my car door cursing at the little evil porch poopers and they flew away. My oldest ran up to the porch flapping his arms in the wind to try and help disperse them and I asked him the loaded question....how bad is my porch? Well, I will tell you just how bad my porch is.....it's covered. There are literally hundreds of blobs of bird poop over every square inch of this damn thing. And there is the tell-tale straight line of doody on my half wall.....bastards. It appears that some horrendous poop massacre had occurred while we were mindlessly traipsing around the Home Depot and we came home in the middle of it.

And to make matters worse, I even have an outside cat, so one would think that would be a bird deterrent. But no, they aren't the least bit bothered by something as paltry as their natural enemy lazing around on my porch.

This is causing me to obsess and my contamination fears are through the freaking roof. I mean, it's poop. Ewwwww.

So, last night as I laid there trying to sleep, I was plagued with thoughts as to how I am going to solve the bird poop debacle of 2015. If live cats aren't a deterrent, I doubt plastic owls would be anything but poop fodder. A scarecrow would be odd and kind of creepy sitting on my porch all year round. My friend suggested a fake snake but I am not certain they would be intimidated by that. She also suggested mirrored balls because birds don't like shiny mosaics. I am currently entertaining the idea of hanging hundreds of aluminum pie pans all over my house, like a big shiny disco ball circa 1975. I don't know what I am going to do but the one thing I am certain of is this can't go on....these feathered jerk faces can not be allowed to crap all over only my porch...and it is only my porch. I have checked. (not sure what that says about me.) It is the line in the sand this means war.....

So if you drive by a red brick house covered from roof to foundation in pie pans, it's probably mine, unless I can come up with a humane but yet kick ass deterrent to save what little is left of my sanity. Although, at this point that may be a moot issue....

Nature's for the birds, and apparently so is my porch.....have a great week guys.

Neurotic Nelly.