I went to the doctor two days ago. I had major side pain. I thought I had pulled every muscle in my right side. Turns out, I slept funny and the cartilage in my rib cage lost some blood flow due to my sleeping position, making little bits of my cartilage become necrotic (his words, not mine). Not to worry, it rebuilds itself over time but it is painful and will take a few more weeks to heal properly. So, basically, I slept so hard I killed my side...but just in tiny bits.....and I thought insomnia was unhealthy.
So, when I am not killing myself slowly by sleeping, I have been dealing with feeling like I am not good enough. It is something I have struggled with all of my life. My OCD plays a huge part in how I see myself but I also sometimes let other's dictate to me my own sense of self worth. My New Year's resolution was to let other people's batshit crazy and opinions of me not bother me anymore. To hold my head high knowing that no matter what, I am a strong person, an intelligent person, a good person. I know this deep down but sometimes I forget. Sometimes I slip up and forget who I am. Sometimes I let other's treatment of me make me feel like shit about myself. I don't know why I do that. I believe you let other's treat you the way you feel you deserve to be treated. The buck stops here and it stops today. I am worth more than how other people view me. I am no longer going to sit idly by, willfully hoping people will treat me like I deserve to be treated. I am going to demand it. If I can not be treated like the person I am, then I don't need to be around said person or persons anymore. That's the beauty of being an adult, I can simply just walk away.
I don't need any more toxicity in my life. Lord knows, I have too much crazy in my life currently. I am already forced to deal with things I can not change but I still have things that I have to get done. I have a great deal of responsibility on my plate. I have kids and their school and their state testing and their future doctors/dentist appointments to make. I have an insurmountable amount of dinners to prepare and great friendships to rely on. I have a wonderful husband who supports me and needs my support in return. I have four cats that refuse to stop following me around the house in a vain attempt to guilt me into give them some catnip or extra pets. I have the house to clean, laundry to do, blogs to write, and long walks to enjoy the fresh air, tree lined streets, while tripping on cracked or no longer paved sidewalks while breathing in just a tiny hint of the occasional passing by car exhaust. I have so much to do already.....too much to think about and too much to look forward to, to let other people in my life that are supposed to have my back treat me like I am not good enough.
You see, I have recently discovered that I am good enough. Sure my husband keeps telling me that. Sure my friends have pointed that out to me several times, as well but I was unable to really truly accept that because it was easier not to. It was easier to just believe the little voice in my head that told me repeatedly all of the things I failed at. All of the things that I may not do just like I think I should. The little voice that made sure I felt ugly, untalented, and stupid. It was easier to just accept that I was broken damaged goods rather than to fight back and believe that I just might be something more than I ever thought possible. I just might be a worthy, intelligent, strong woman who is loyal and opinionated but not overly judgmental. And not that I just might be but that I am. I am nothing that little voice says I am. I am everything that little voice says I am not.
So, why would I let other people make me feel like that the little voice in my head does? I don't, not anymore. I no longer listen to the negative comments or deal with being overlooked. I am not saying it doesn't hurt me when it happens. I am just saying I am letting it go because honestly, I deserve better. And if you let other people in your life treat you like shit then on some level, deep down, you must think you deserve to be treated that way. It is no longer acceptable to me to let those people dictate to me who they think I am or how I should feel about it.
I am over it.
I am reclaiming back my self esteem this year. Reclaiming the bits and pieces I have let other people carve out with their harsh judgments, silent treatments, and and skewed opinions. Because in reality, it doesn't matter what other people think of me. It only matters what I believe about myself. What other people think of me is really none of my business. I don't need to know and I sure as hell don't have to care.
The greatest prison people live in, Is the fear of what others think.....
I owe it to myself to break out of this jail cell...I never deserved to be locked up and I am tired of punishing myself for something I didn't do wrong in the first place. Here's your orange jumpsuit, warden. It no longer fits me anymore...and I want to walk in the sun again. So, I am going to....
She believed she could, so she did.