Sunday, January 3, 2016

The Afterglow...

Christmas was great, New year's eve has come and gone with minimal excitement. We watched the ball drop on television. I was hoping to have a wonderful day but alas, the afterglow of Christmas is gone and depression has set in.

I could think back and blame it on the after affects of the anxiety of the Christmas season. I could consider the fact that my OCD has been spiking the last few days and it could be related to the fact that now that the anxiety of the holidays are over, I am falling apart. That is, after all, how I work. I am great under pressure while the pressure is on. As soon as the pressure dissipates, I completely fall apart.  Or it could be that my small bouts of depression are seasonal. Usually they hit me in the winter time. Usually when it is freezing and snowy outside. Lack of proper sunlight and such. But the weather here has been unseasonably warm and no snow has befallen our town, yet. I could sit here and think and regurgitate a million excuses of why  I am wrestling with depression right this second, but that would require more energy than I am willing to give. It doesn't really matter why, anyway. I have a good life and a wonderful family, and terrific friends, and great support but honestly, depression doesn't really care about all of that. Having positive things in your life doesn't mean that you won't get depressed. It happens. I am not going to make excuses or explain to myself why I feel the way I feel. I just do....the afterglow is gone and what is left is an empty hole. I am numb and whatever vestiges of my emotions that aren't numb are sad. There is no reason why..... I just am and I am dealing with it. Slowly and with as little energy as possible. Because with all of that numbness and sadness, I am depleted of energy. I would go lie down and take a nap but even that seems like too much of an effort. Hell, I am surprised that I am even able to write this and it be comprehensible. I hope it is, anyway.

So thank you all for the comments on my Christmas post. I promise I will get to commenting back on them soon. I am just wading through this fog right now and trying to find my way out. I know I will, because I always do. It just might take a few days. By next week, I should be better and back to doing mundane things like brushing my teeth and showering without it seeming to be a monumental task. Hopefully, anyway because school starts next week and  common core algebra 2 is hard enough with me using all of my brain. It will be impossible for me to figure out while depressed.

I hope all of you guys are doing well and Happy New Year.....
Neurotic Nelly

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