Confident in Spite of Me

I have often been asked how do I have such confidence in myself with everything that is going on with me.....Kind of an insulting question if you think about just what that implies,but it is a fair one. I have mental illness and scars from my childhood abandonment. I have scars from my fraudulent and unfair institutionalization at the age of ten. I have scars from my first marriage and the toxic relationship that was us. I have many scars and many issues. How do I have confidence in myself?
I think the better question is if I don't who will? If I can't believe in myself how do I expect anyone else too? If I can't like myself how can I ever let anyone else love me. I am a work in progress. I am always striving to do better to be better. It takes small steps. It takes years but it is possible. I don't buy into the ridiculous notion that you can change your opinion on life over night. For me that wasn't case.
It wasn't easy and there had to be some really deep soul searching. I had to look at the ugly parts of me and learn to accept them.What I found is that no matter what comes my direction I am a good person. I am a kind person. I am a compassionate person. I feel, I hurt, I love, I fear, and I cry. I am like no one else and yet I am like everyone else.
I am satisfied with my personality, torn as it may be. I am strong and I can handle anything after looking in the blackness that is my mental illness. I take strength in the fact that I am my grandmother's granddaughter because like her I am stubborn and persistent. I take comfort in the fact that I am like my mother in her capacity to adapt when change comes and slaps me in the face. I am not perfect but I am beautiful. I am different but I am also unique. I am an enigma wrapped up in a mystery, wrapped in complication. I am not easy to deal with on a daily basis but I am so worth your time..
I have confidence because I choose to love myself and I choose to love the world. It can hurt me but it also can give me such support, such love, and such beauty.

This not just true for me but it is true for all of us. There is hope. There is always hope even at your weakest point, even at your darkest moment. There is always another day and another struggle. There is always a chance for victory. Victory over your pain. Victory over your grief. Victory over stigma. You have to become the change you want to see in the world.

I don't like the quote when life gives you lemons make lemonade. What if you don't like lemonade? I think it is good but I much more prefer tea. Tea is calming. Tea is good both cold and hot. Tea is adaptable to just about every situation. So my quote is when life gives you tea leaves grind them up and put a kettle on the fire. When life gives you obstacles don't just go around them, know that you have conquered them.

My biggest accomplishment of having confidence is really the people around me that have supported me. Sure, there are those that have been harmful and rude. There have been those that have turned their backs on me. There have been those that walked away. But I am still here and really the truth is that they are the one's missing out.  So for those of you that have been abandoned, for those that have never been told that they are important, for those that have been abused and neglected, I would like to tell you something I hope you can grasp.
It is wrong that no one has ever told you that you are beautiful. It wrong that no one has ever stood by you. You are not dirty. You are not bad. You are not guilty or shameful. You are not an embarrassment. You are strong. You are brave. You are courageous in the face of things that most people would run away from. You are worthy. You are important. You matter. You are the director of your life's journey. It is up to you and no one else. Let no one put you down or make you feel less than you are. You are magnificent. Believe in your truths. Believe in your strength and most of all believe in yourself. I believe that you can do it. I believe that you can be whatever you choose to become and I believe in you.
Neurotic Nelly

No More Apologizing

 It has come to my attention that many people that suffer from mental illness feel inferior. We often apologize for our feelings and beliefs. We apologize for possibly offending someone when we disagree with something said or done. Why do we do that? I want you to really take a second and ruminate on that question. Why do we feel our opinions and beliefs are something to apologize for? Do you see normal people going around apologizing for having an opinion? No. They don't. They don't because they have self confidence and we tend to lack in that department. We tend to feel not good enough and it's crap. Stinky smelly crap. There I said it.
I used to apologize or feel guilty because I had a different opinion or belief on something. I do not allow that anymore because I realized that it is my right to think and feel the way I do. I feel the way I do because of the things I have gone through in my life and I am predisposed to feeling that way. And you know what? I don't feel bad or guilty about it.
If you burned your hand on the burner of a stove , do you forget you burned yourself? Not likely. Afterwards you will always be cognizant that the stove can hurt you. You will always be careful to not touch the stove when it is hot. You will always make sure that you will not get burned get again.
Mental illness is the same way. If someone has hurt you or you have been hurt by something, you are not likely going to  trust easily. You will always doubt that everything is as it seems. Since mental illness hurts us, we doubt our emotions and our opinions. We are unsure of our worth and our validity. So let me just say this, we are valid. Our opinions are ours and we have nothing to feel guilty about. We do not have to agree with everyone else. We should stop apologizing for our feelings. They are ours and we have every right to feel them. We should stop minimizing our opinions. We think this way because of the things we have been through. It is our right to feel,think and believe the way we do. Our thoughts and opinions are valid. They are worthy to be heard. They do not need to be followed by "I'm sorry" or "I apologize". We do not need to apologize for what we believe.
The difference of opinions are what make us look at our lives in a different light. It makes us think about things in a way that we may never have thought of before. Different is glorious. I am not saying we don't have to listen to others opinions, I am saying that we have to have ours heard as well. We have to speak up and stop being sorry.
When we put down the niceties and window dressings we have nothing left but honesty. When we stop playing dress up with lies, we become our own true self. We stand, we are counted, and we matter.
The best friendships I have had in my life are the ones that are based on honesty. If I look like something the cat dragged in, they would tell me. If we disagree on a point, we talk it out. Neither of us may change our opinion but we respect each other's view. That is because we respect each other. My wish is that we start to believe that what we think is important. Because it is important. My wish is that we start feeling like our opinions are valid. Because they are. My wish is that we all understand that it is perfectly acceptable to be who we are, right now at this moment in time. Because we are just as worthy as everyone else. My wish is that we stop apologizing for our beliefs when we think we are not good enough to have any or talk about the ones we have. Because our beliefs are ours and they are just as valid as anyone else's. My wish is that we stop worrying about offending and insulting others and realize that when we minimize our feelings or apologize for our opinions we are offending and insulting ourselves. [tweet this]. That we are saying that they don't mean anything. And they mean absolutely everything. They are a representation of who you are and what you stand for as a mental illness sufferer, as an individual  and as a person. You have the right to believe and think and have opinions. You are valid and what your feel is valid. You have the right to feel the way you do and not be sorry or scared that what you have to say is wrong or not good enough to be said. It is good enough. It matters. It is perfectly ok to agree, disagree, or be undecided. So let's put down the window dressing and get real. Let's start to believe in ourselves and our words. Let's stop putting ourselves down for being different and start accepting that what we have to say is necessary for us to say and necessary for others to hear. Words are powerful and we need to stop apologizing for using them.
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I would like to ask you to please take a moment and watch this video. A few posts back I wrote about wishing there was a more accurate film depicting OCD and I have found it. I think that it represents not only some of  the common compulsions of OCD but more importantly the pain that is living with this illness. When I see shirts and memes making light of my mental illness, I tend to get upset. Because OCD is so not funny. Because OCD is a debilitating disorder of the mind that can, if allowed to, take over your whole life. I have not seen this movie. I have not seen it because I am afraid I will see to much of myself in it. That I may pick up compulsions again and I do not want to live that way. Not that watching a movie can make me start to compulse again, but I am scared of the possibility. I think I might just rent the movie later when I have time to watch it alone. I may cry if I watch it, because I feel like it is somehow a mirror to some of the things I have lived. The excerpt of the film is good enough for me right now. The pain is so readily available in this clip that I just felt I had to share it. I feel that maybe , finally some people will get just how devastating OCD really is to your ability to function, your relationships, and your life. OCD is not obsessive coffee disorder or obsessive corgi disorder as some shirts make light of. OCD has a broad spectrum of symptoms as this clip shows. From being a complete clean freak to a hoarder type. If untreated OCD can become a living hell. If untreated it can turn from carrying soap in your pocket to well, peeing in jugs, No one wants that. I certainly don't want that. What is so upsetting is had Howard Hughes been alive in this time, his life could have been less painful. There is help now and unfortunately in his time there was nothing to be done. He suffered needlessly and was taken over by his illness/my illness to the point of him living like a hermit alone and  It makes me sad.
For those of you who can not see the video the link is http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8dR8xVqSfXc