Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Confident in Spite of Me

I have often been asked how do I have such confidence in myself with everything that is going on with me.....Kind of an insulting question if you think about just what that implies,but it is a fair one. I have mental illness and scars from my childhood abandonment. I have scars from my fraudulent and unfair institutionalization at the age of ten. I have scars from my first marriage and the toxic relationship that was us. I have many scars and many issues. How do I have confidence in myself?
I think the better question is if I don't who will? If I can't believe in myself how do I expect anyone else too? If I can't like myself how can I ever let anyone else love me. I am a work in progress. I am always striving to do better to be better. It takes small steps. It takes years but it is possible. I don't buy into the ridiculous notion that you can change your opinion on life over night. For me that wasn't case.
It wasn't easy and there had to be some really deep soul searching. I had to look at the ugly parts of me and learn to accept them.What I found is that no matter what comes my direction I am a good person. I am a kind person. I am a compassionate person. I feel, I hurt, I love, I fear, and I cry. I am like no one else and yet I am like everyone else.
I am satisfied with my personality, torn as it may be. I am strong and I can handle anything after looking in the blackness that is my mental illness. I take strength in the fact that I am my grandmother's granddaughter because like her I am stubborn and persistent. I take comfort in the fact that I am like my mother in her capacity to adapt when change comes and slaps me in the face. I am not perfect but I am beautiful. I am different but I am also unique. I am an enigma wrapped up in a mystery, wrapped in complication. I am not easy to deal with on a daily basis but I am so worth your time..
I have confidence because I choose to love myself and I choose to love the world. It can hurt me but it also can give me such support, such love, and such beauty.

This not just true for me but it is true for all of us. There is hope. There is always hope even at your weakest point, even at your darkest moment. There is always another day and another struggle. There is always a chance for victory. Victory over your pain. Victory over your grief. Victory over stigma. You have to become the change you want to see in the world.

I don't like the quote when life gives you lemons make lemonade. What if you don't like lemonade? I think it is good but I much more prefer tea. Tea is calming. Tea is good both cold and hot. Tea is adaptable to just about every situation. So my quote is when life gives you tea leaves grind them up and put a kettle on the fire. When life gives you obstacles don't just go around them, know that you have conquered them.

My biggest accomplishment of having confidence is really the people around me that have supported me. Sure, there are those that have been harmful and rude. There have been those that have turned their backs on me. There have been those that walked away. But I am still here and really the truth is that they are the one's missing out.  So for those of you that have been abandoned, for those that have never been told that they are important, for those that have been abused and neglected, I would like to tell you something I hope you can grasp.
It is wrong that no one has ever told you that you are beautiful. It wrong that no one has ever stood by you. You are not dirty. You are not bad. You are not guilty or shameful. You are not an embarrassment. You are strong. You are brave. You are courageous in the face of things that most people would run away from. You are worthy. You are important. You matter. You are the director of your life's journey. It is up to you and no one else. Let no one put you down or make you feel less than you are. You are magnificent. Believe in your truths. Believe in your strength and most of all believe in yourself. I believe that you can do it. I believe that you can be whatever you choose to become and I believe in you.
Neurotic Nelly

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