Monday, January 21, 2013

For Shame....

Intrusive thoughts are....well intrusive. When  I tell people that I have OCD, I usually do not elaborate. I am firmly aware they think that I just have a really clean house and kick ass organization skills. While this is true, I do not delve into the inner workings of my OCD mind. It would only confuse them and most likely make them avoid my company.  I among other OCD traits have intrusive thoughts.  Only a select few know that I do  and I am currently keeping it that way. Intrusive thoughts are probably the hardest of OCD traits to explain. They are usually violent or sexual in nature. They are everything you fear and they come at you from nowhere. Instantly you are disgusted and horrified that such a thought or image has come into your mind. They terrify you. They for me, are the hardest to talk about because I have a deep seeded fear of judgement. People with intrusive thoughts often feel shameful. They are afraid to express what is going on inside their minds. Like Satan it has many names. Some call it the voice, their conscious, their brain. I call it my brain. I would like to note that this voice is your voice inside your head. It is not another entity like Fred or Mable.      The worst fear you have is laid out for you like a sacrificial lamb and shoved in your mind until you want scream. The reaction to this is all the proof you need to realize that you are not a bad person. If you were a bad person these thoughts and images would not horrify you.  Normal people have an intrusive thoughts every now and then but of course OCD just has to out do everyone else. I have learned over the years to drown out this ever present voice. It was always lurking in the shadowed recesses of my mind stalking me. Through years of therapy I have been able to push it to the background. Where it was once a roaring presence in my life, I have been able to make it into a mumble. Background noise in my mind.  It is there and will always be there. I have had to learn to except it. I usually make it lessen by telling it that it's ideas are the stupidest thing I have ever heard. This is all said in my mind of course, because talking to yourself out loud seems totally crazy...The big hassle with intrusive thoughts is the shame. You are ashamed that you are unable to control these thoughts. Ashamed that you have a mental disability  Ashamed of what you perceive others will think of you. The thoughts can be shameful to you because they are totally against your personality.  It can be hard to talk to a therapist, your family, your friends. Who would understand such a thing?  I do. I have been there. I have walked a hundred miles in your shoes and will walk a hundred more. It is manageable. There are therapists and psychiatrist that understand this. It is important to seek help and be able to take back some of your life from this cycle of fear and shame. You are worth it. I don't know about you but I am sick and tired of feeling ashamed.  That is why I started this blog. I want to rid myself of this stigma. I want to be able to walk with my head held high knowing that I am a good person regardless of what my brain tells me.  I will raise my head up high because I am not alone. I am strong. I am worth it. I am more than just my OCD, and so are you.
                                                                                                   Neurotic Nelly

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