Saturday, January 19, 2013

Un Medicated and Annoyed

My journey through the deranged world of OCD started around the age of five. My sister in her nine year old wisdom, told me that when you swallowed spit it would turn to blood as it went down your throat. I was mortified. I was totally freaked out by the thought of blood in any fashion, let alone the thought of swallowing it. I started washing my hands. I washed them several times a day with extremely hot water until they cracked and bled. I was also convinced that somehow I would accidentally poison myself. Eating was terrifying  What if I had contaminated myself by touching something that was dirty. At some point I heard a voice in my head telling me that if things were uneven something bad would happen. If I touched something with one hand I had to even it out by touching it with the other hand and so on. To get rid of this "voice" I would say certain mantras exactly the same every time the voice occurred. Then it was gone. I had no memories of the voice or hand washing. It was if it had never happened. I was obsessed and terrified of anything that had to do with death, but I had no outwards signs of OCD anymore.  I was fourteen when the "voice" came back. I was terrified. I just knew I was crazy. I was neurotic. I went to a doctor who explained that I had OCD.
            I dealt with this knowledge and tried to be "normal". I was given a series of different medications to help with my problem. I was reintroduced to therapy. I developed extreme anxiety and depression. Phobias had come into my life and decided to stay. I missed so much school from anxiety attacks that I had to be tutored. 
Fast forward to today. I am thirty three. The only medication that ever worked for me has been deemed dangerous past a certain dosage. Anything under my dosage doesn't work for me so I stopped taking it. I don't recommend any one else do that, but for me it was the only option. I still have the phobias,fear of germs,and the "voice". I am able to function well at this point. I just am aware of them more now. I am a mother of two wonderful sons. I have a terrific husband, who in my opinion deserves a medal for putting up with me. Life is good.  Not many people know of my condition. It is not like I have a banner on my head that says mental case.  I thought I would just make a list of my phobias and OCD fears. Please comment and list yours. Warning some of them are ridiculous but what can you do?


Rabbits- hate them ew ew ew. 
Germs- self explanatory
Elevators-falling in an elevator
Spiders-again ew

Things that automatically tick me off, apparently I also have a hatred of sounds (misophonia)
Seriously I want to punch the offender that makes these sounds around me

Crackling of bags- especially at the movies. Just get the damn candy out of the bag already!
Swishy mouth sounds
Clicking mints on your teeth and then making sucking sounds-UGH!
                                                                                                                       Neurotic Nelly


  1. So proud of you for doing this I hope this helps you and others

  2. Hi,

    I have severe OCD and have many varying obsessions. Everything from germs and illness to my relationship and even sexuality. It is hell at times. I am glad you are helping enlighten non-OCD sufferers and help OCD sufferers understand their illness with your blog. I am trying to do the same on mine.

    I would say however, that if you are looking for a new form of treatment CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) is considered to be far more effective than medication. Medications can dull the feelings but since ocd is not a chemical imbalance most medications have very little effect. As far as your brain is concerned it is working normally. CBT teaches OCD sufferers how to deal with the fears and obsessions.

  3. Thank you Noel and Robert. You two are my dear friends and I can not thank you enough for your support!

  4. Kat thank you so much for your support and comment! I am so thrilled that fellow OCD survivors are reading my posts. It is my truest hope that we can all and the stigma around mental illness. I agree that medicines have their draw back and CBT is much more helpful. I have been doing that kind of therapy for most of my adult life now. It is extremely hard but very rewarding. I will absolutely be reading your blogs as well.