We Are Worth It.....

So, after my last post things started looking up. First of all, I got some much needed support and comments on my google+ page in my blog comment section. You guys are amazing and thank you so much.

Then I read this post from an incredible blogger http://judyjourny.blogspot.com/2014/12/thoughts-on-approaching-new-year.html. Her last few lines hit me in the gut and made me realize that even though I am weathering a bad storm, I have been here before. And just like last time, I will get through this too. Sometimes, you just need to be reminded of how far you have come. Especially, when setbacks rear their ugly heads.

Then this morning I read some stories that made me sad and well, angry. And I was reminded why I started this blog almost two years ago. Through my ups and downs, I started as a scared but yet hopeful mental illness blogger just praying that there were other people like me out in there in the world. Never thinking that that those people understood me better sometimes, than I even understood myself. And it makes sense to me because although we may all have different mental illnesses, pain is universal. And the understanding of that pain and the compassion we show each other is also universal. But even more than that, LOVE is universal.

All of us walk down winding blinding paths. Sometimes the fog rolls in and we become unable to see. We become blinded to all that we offer the world. The negative thoughts set in and we lose the ability to not only see the love we get but also the ability to love ourselves. We start to believe that we don't matter. But the funny thing about fog, is even in the thickest darkest hours eventually the fog lifts. And we can see the path again. Clear not for the first time but clear enough to pass. And that is all life is, a couple of steps at a time. Helping those you meet along the way. Understanding pain, having compassion, and most of all offering Love. Not just for others but for yourself as well, because dammit, we are worth it. (Even if we sometimes think we aren't)

Then this song came on the radio and I just knew that this was what my post needed to be about.




And even though this is a love song and it is about a relationship, I kind of took it to mean something totally different. It made me think of us, all of us dealing with mental illness and the relationships we have with our own selves. And how much we need to support each other because who understands us better than we do? And how many times has it been just one kind word or sympathetic smile that made you turn from suicidal thoughts and made you hold on for just one more day. One more day is all it takes. A couple of steps at a time.

The lyrics touched me and it made me realize that I am strong and it is because we all are strong. That even in the darkest of times, I can never give up on myself and I can not give up on my mental illness community either. We are all in this together. What I do affects others and I need to make sure that everyone knows that that they belong on this earth. That they have a place here. That they are many things in this life but alone is never one of those things. We are strong. We are tough. We are magnificent. I refuse to give up and I hope that you refuse as well.

As the song says:

When I look into your eyes
It's like watching the night sky
Or a beautiful sunrise
Well, there's so much they hold
And just like them old stars
I see that you've come so far
To be right where you are
How old is your soul?

I won't give up on us.
 Even if the skies get rough.
 I am giving you all my love.
 I'm still looking up.

And even the stars, they burn. 
Some even fall to the earth.
 We got a lot to learn.
 God, knows we are worth it.
 No I won't give up.

I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use
The tools and gifts we got, yeah, we got a lot at stake
And in the end, you're still my friend at least we did intend
For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn
We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not, and who I am.

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up, still looking up.

Well, I won't give up on us (no I'm not giving up)
God knows I'm tough enough (I am tough, I am loved)
We've got a lot to learn (we're alive, we are loved)
God knows we're worth it (and we're worth it)

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up

We are still losing good people out there and this has to change. Stigma has to end and compassion has to grow. And the only way to do that is to live for those that could not hold on and fight for those that are not able to speak out from fear. We have to hold on not just for ourselves but for each other. Because simply put, we are all important. We all matter. All lives matter...Everyone. And God knows we are worth it. I am worth it and just as importantly YOU are worth it too.


Neurotic Nelly

Lost in the Fog......

I am usually an upbeat optimistic individual. I have to be to deal with the onslaught of mental issues that have kept me down for years. I always try to look for the silver lining. It is just who I am.....

That being said, I sometimes get "down in the dumps." I seem to get lost in the fog. I never know when it will hit me or what will cause it, but every three or four months or so, I get what my friends and I call, "the funk". It started on Christmas day. Not really bad but it morphed as the days came and went until everything seemed to run together in a big blur. I realized today, that I hadn't talked to my best friend in two days (and we talk everyday) nor did I leave a hint as to why. Nor did I answer her texts or messages. She became worried about me. She called and left messages to check on me but instead of picking up the phone I just stared at it. I simply sat there and stared. I had left normal Nelly land and had stepped into the land of "the funk". It was official, I had lost the comfort of denial.

I finally called her back, not because I felt like talking but because I felt guilty for letting her worry. I told her about the funk and as I described how I was feeling I realized I had been lying to myself for awhile now and it has to stop. I used excuses. I used white lies that sounded like truths if I squinted my eyes really hard when I looked at them from a distance. If I held them at arms length and upside down. I don't have "funks". What I have is small bouts of depression.

I hadn't really realized it before now. I kept saying to her it's not really depression. I don't feel suicidal. I don't feel sad. I don't feel "depressed". I give her a great deal of credit because she was seeing some red flags that I had decided to overlook and she was quick to point them out to me....and she was absolutely right.

Our conversation went a little like this:

ME: Sorry, I haven't felt like talking. I am in a funk again. I just realized I have worn nothing but this dirty nightgown since Christmas and I haven't even changed. I am not depressed though.

HER: Well, have you at least bathed?

ME: (uncomfortable pause and foot tapping) No......

HER: Really. When was the last time you brushed your teeth?

ME: (more foot tapping and looking at the ceiling) Ummmmm.....I don't remember. The days all seem kinda like one big blur.

HER: And you haven't been talking to anyone....Did you at least write your blog today?

And it hit me.  Depression isn't always the feeling of sadness. Sometimes it is just a numbness that sets in. I know this and yet I have been purposely wearing blinders when it came to my issues with it. Giving it a cutesy name and pretending it isn't as bad as it is.

I don't know why it hits me. It doesn't do it very often and usually it lasts for three to five days. I don't feel suicidal or sad just very tired and like I can not handle one more ounce of drama. One more issue someone is going through. One more complaint, or sorrow, or feelings of any sort. I feel like I am incapable of handling anything else and I shut down. Not totally, as I do housework and I cook. I take care of my kids and am able to talk to those I live with, but not outsiders of my home. Not even my neighbors. I forget small things like the fact I need to bathe or put on underarm deodorant. I forget to brush my teeth or hair. I can't write or talk about how I feel. I am drained and exhausted and so very very numb. I get lost in the television or a computer game. I avoid gossip or communication with others. It feels like my batteries have died and I am rebooting. Recharging.

Maybe it was because of all of the anxiety of Christmas Eve family get together at my house? I felt extreme cleaning anxiety and it took me a week to get ready for the whole shindig. Or maybe it's a hormonal thing as I am currently taking a new medication for my diabetes. I am not really sure but I realized that I have to look at what I go through in these times as what they are. Not a silly name that tends to down play what I am experiencing but the actual name that it is called. Depression. There I said it. I suffer from small random bouts of depression and I don't know why. That wasn't so hard was it?

So while talking to my friend on the phone, I brushed my teeth to prove I had realized I have been neglecting myself. Then after we hung up I took a bath and even decided to paint my toenails. A light mauve color in hopes to lighten my mood. In fact the bath helped immensely as did my talk with my friend and I am starting to come out of the fog. It has been five days and I am soon to be rid of the bout of depression completely....until next time.

I am sorry I didn't write yesterday as I usually do on Saturdays but I was in a fog. I was recharging. I was in a funk and I was honestly, simply depressed. I hope you all can understand and forgive me. It happens, unfortunately and I don't know why but I am going to start monitoring it and writing down what has been going on before I fall victim to these horrid bouts.That way, maybe I can find a common denominator and figure out what I can do to get rid of it or at least deal with it in a more productive fashion.

Anyway, I hope to be up and writing on Tuesday. Same Bat time same Bat place. I hope to read all of your comments and hopefully my post will be a tad more upbeat than this one. Until Tuesday my friends....Be Safe and Take Care of Yourselves.

Neurotic Nelly