Saturday, December 28, 2013

Lost in the Fog......

I am usually an upbeat optimistic individual. I have to be to deal with the onslaught of mental issues that have kept me down for years. I always try to look for the silver lining. It is just who I am.....

That being said, I sometimes get "down in the dumps." I seem to get lost in the fog. I never know when it will hit me or what will cause it, but every three or four months or so, I get what my friends and I call, "the funk". It started on Christmas day. Not really bad but it morphed as the days came and went until everything seemed to run together in a big blur. I realized today, that I hadn't talked to my best friend in two days (and we talk everyday) nor did I leave a hint as to why. Nor did I answer her texts or messages. She became worried about me. She called and left messages to check on me but instead of picking up the phone I just stared at it. I simply sat there and stared. I had left normal Nelly land and had stepped into the land of "the funk". It was official, I had lost the comfort of denial.

I finally called her back, not because I felt like talking but because I felt guilty for letting her worry. I told her about the funk and as I described how I was feeling I realized I had been lying to myself for awhile now and it has to stop. I used excuses. I used white lies that sounded like truths if I squinted my eyes really hard when I looked at them from a distance. If I held them at arms length and upside down. I don't have "funks". What I have is small bouts of depression.

I hadn't really realized it before now. I kept saying to her it's not really depression. I don't feel suicidal. I don't feel sad. I don't feel "depressed". I give her a great deal of credit because she was seeing some red flags that I had decided to overlook and she was quick to point them out to me....and she was absolutely right.

Our conversation went a little like this:

ME: Sorry, I haven't felt like talking. I am in a funk again. I just realized I have worn nothing but this dirty nightgown since Christmas and I haven't even changed. I am not depressed though.

HER: Well, have you at least bathed?

ME: (uncomfortable pause and foot tapping) No......

HER: Really. When was the last time you brushed your teeth?

ME: (more foot tapping and looking at the ceiling) Ummmmm.....I don't remember. The days all seem kinda like one big blur.

HER: And you haven't been talking to anyone....Did you at least write your blog today?

And it hit me.  Depression isn't always the feeling of sadness. Sometimes it is just a numbness that sets in. I know this and yet I have been purposely wearing blinders when it came to my issues with it. Giving it a cutesy name and pretending it isn't as bad as it is.

I don't know why it hits me. It doesn't do it very often and usually it lasts for three to five days. I don't feel suicidal or sad just very tired and like I can not handle one more ounce of drama. One more issue someone is going through. One more complaint, or sorrow, or feelings of any sort. I feel like I am incapable of handling anything else and I shut down. Not totally, as I do housework and I cook. I take care of my kids and am able to talk to those I live with, but not outsiders of my home. Not even my neighbors. I forget small things like the fact I need to bathe or put on underarm deodorant. I forget to brush my teeth or hair. I can't write or talk about how I feel. I am drained and exhausted and so very very numb. I get lost in the television or a computer game. I avoid gossip or communication with others. It feels like my batteries have died and I am rebooting. Recharging.

Maybe it was because of all of the anxiety of Christmas Eve family get together at my house? I felt extreme cleaning anxiety and it took me a week to get ready for the whole shindig. Or maybe it's a hormonal thing as I am currently taking a new medication for my diabetes. I am not really sure but I realized that I have to look at what I go through in these times as what they are. Not a silly name that tends to down play what I am experiencing but the actual name that it is called. Depression. There I said it. I suffer from small random bouts of depression and I don't know why. That wasn't so hard was it?

So while talking to my friend on the phone, I brushed my teeth to prove I had realized I have been neglecting myself. Then after we hung up I took a bath and even decided to paint my toenails. A light mauve color in hopes to lighten my mood. In fact the bath helped immensely as did my talk with my friend and I am starting to come out of the fog. It has been five days and I am soon to be rid of the bout of depression completely....until next time.

I am sorry I didn't write yesterday as I usually do on Saturdays but I was in a fog. I was recharging. I was in a funk and I was honestly, simply depressed. I hope you all can understand and forgive me. It happens, unfortunately and I don't know why but I am going to start monitoring it and writing down what has been going on before I fall victim to these horrid bouts.That way, maybe I can find a common denominator and figure out what I can do to get rid of it or at least deal with it in a more productive fashion.

Anyway, I hope to be up and writing on Tuesday. Same Bat time same Bat place. I hope to read all of your comments and hopefully my post will be a tad more upbeat than this one. Until Tuesday my friends....Be Safe and Take Care of Yourselves.

Neurotic Nelly


  1. Thanks for having the courage to write this. Your best friend deserves a round of applause for being so awesome, too.

  2. Thank you so very much Erin. I really appreciate your support. It means a lot. :) I tell her she is awesome all of the time.