Scared.......

I am sorry I did not get the chance to write my Thursday post until now. I had chest pains again which had me wind up at the emergency room yet again. They gave  me some pain meds and a GI cocktail. The doctors where unsure if it was Acid Reflux or stones in my bile duct. Then after I was sent home I was completely out of it for most of the day.

I am so worried. Every time I think I am over this hump, this shit starts up again and it terrifies me. I pray relentlessly that it was just because my vitamin contained a lot of iron and that it is what set off the pain and not stones that will require yet another surgery. My fifth. And then to remove the stint which will equal 6 surgeries for the same damn thing.

My OCD is out of control. I am terrified that my body is betraying me. Terrified to lose my life. A hundred million things keep going through my mind and all of them are bad. I just want to relax but I am terrified the pain will come back. I am terrified I will be back in the hospital. Terrified of leaving my kids without a mother. Terrified that each surgery is dangerous. Terrified that I will never get better and I will continue to have these "episodes" over and over again.

It kills me inside to be so scared. It kills my soul a bit each time that I worry and yet I am unable to stop worrying. God please help me. Please. Please. Please. PLEASE!!!??

I have an appointment with my GI doc tomorrow and I pray my labs are normal. That way we will know it was not stones and instead something more along the lines of GERD. Not that I want GERD but I don't want a million more surgeries either.

I cried in the hospital room because I was in pain and because I was so terrified. I hate to cry but all of the fear and dread just kept washing over me like emotional waves of shit and I just had to let it all out. I am so very exhausted of all of this. I just want to be healthy again. But I am clearly not. Not until we figure out why I keep getting these painful episodes, Hopefully it is nothing big...hopefully. I wish I could just think that way. But of course having medical OCD fear makes me thinking that way an impossibility.

I m trying to type with the tears falling down my face and my hands shaking. I don't want to be this way anymore. It is enough that I have an anxiety disorder. Actually having a mystery diagnoses on top of it seems to be just too much to handle right now.


So my dear readers/friends....please pray for me, if you are in the habit of praying, and if you aren't please send positive thoughts my way. I could really use them....

Thanks and I will update you as soon as I know just what is going on.

Neurotic Nelly