Feeling Inadequate.......

You ever get that feeling where you are so annoyed you could literally claw your own face off? Yeah, I am in one of those moods. But I am perplexed because I have no reason to feel that way, I just do.

So I need to clean....like really bad. I am not sure if my house is really disgusting or if it is just my OCD but then again four cats, two kids, and a husband can really mess up a house quick. After dinner dishes can make my tiny kitchen look as though a food massacre has occurred.  A few misplaced cups can make my living room look like a factory that produces dirty drinking glasses. I don't know, it could be my anxiety. I feel on edge lately....edgy....like waiting for the other shoe to drop and I have no idea why. It bothers me, when I get like this. I mean, I get that OCD does that but I would like to have a discernible reason as to why I feel like I am waiting on something that never truly arises. I am just left feeling like this in a sort of anxiety ridden limbo. It sucks.


I have been feeling burnt out lately. Irritated. Annoyed. Frustrated. Under appreciated. Just all around yucky. I think I am going stir crazy. I think I need to get out and start walking again....I don't know get some air or something which leads me to my current dilemma.


I have a hard time finishing things. I mean, I can start them. I can even do them halfway but finishing them...that's a crap shoot. Usually ending more on the crap and less on the shoot. I have hundreds of examples. High school, beauty school, choir, craft shows, video games, my G.E.D test, learning french, making more videos of me singing, putting together my blog posts as a book, learning to ride the bus, walking more to lose more weight,  blah blah blah, ect, ect, ect. I don't know why I do this. I mean, I do want to or have wanted to desperately do these things and yet even if I get a running head start, I usually end up not finishing any of these tasks. Why? Sure, anxiety played a huge part in the schooling issue. My dyslexia makes me have to actually take time out of my day for tutoring for my G.E.D. I am still undecided on what posts I want to use in my book. I mean, there are reasons but holy crap, people have reasons all the time not to do things and yet they still manage to get them done....I am aware of that fact. You would think as someone with OCD I would be a master of scheduling and timing. Well, my OCD centers around the fear of germs and medical fears which is not conducive nor helpful in any thing currently going on in my life.....great (sarcasm). In fact, the only thing I have managed to do consistently in last year is write my blog posts. For some reason I haven't given up on that. I am thankful that I still write but I have no idea why I can write posts and not do these other things as well. Surely, writing in a blog is not an exclusive activity.

And then comes the dread and slight niggling of fear.....my oldest is going to the do the online school thing. It's a great option but I have this horrid fear that I am going to mess it up some how. I will be the one responsible for logging in his hours and checking e-mails from the teacher and I suck at schedules and repetitive actions that require me to be punctual and routine. I mean, I can't even remember to take my pills half of the time without telling my husband I did first, just in case I have to ask him whether or not I took them because the times get jumbled up in my mind. Damn OCD self doubt. The thought of having to actually keep all of this straight terrifies me. I am going to need a stop watch so I can log correctly because I want to do it right and I can't rely on me remembering what time he did which thing with just a normal clock. Trust me, I will get it all jumbled and most likely wrong. And the even worse fear is that I will have to finish doing this. I can not simply just let it fall to the wayside like other things. I am going to have continue no matter what. Which is a good thing because I have to stop starting things and then never finishing them. That's no way to live your life. I am so unhappy that I never finished doing something that I love, said no one ever.

So, I have to make some changes. Scary but doable. I am going to have to be more responsible and if that means getting a stop watch and an alarm to remind me to do certain things until they become a habit then I am just going to have to do it. I have to get over this not finishing curse that has plagued me my whole life and get with it. I am not going to allow my short comings to affect my kid's schooling. And I need to be happy with my choices, which means actually finishing some of the crap I seem to crap out on, like walking again. And sticking with it. I mean if I can blog for over a year I can certainly walk down the road and log into e-mails for God's sake. I just want to feel the satisfaction of finishing something meaningful and be able to say that I can do something all the way. I have some real fears that I am incapable of finishing things but then again that is probably just this stupid self doubt I carry around with me. It's hard to believe in my finishing things when I have so many examples of things I have not finished and so few examples of things I did. I guess I am just going to have to start dissecting my life and start working on finishing more of them until this fear of me being inadequate goes away. That's my plan anyway. Can't hurt to try, try, and try again...

Neurotic Nelly

Scared.......

I am sorry I did not get the chance to write my Thursday post until now. I had chest pains again which had me wind up at the emergency room yet again. They gave  me some pain meds and a GI cocktail. The doctors where unsure if it was Acid Reflux or stones in my bile duct. Then after I was sent home I was completely out of it for most of the day.

I am so worried. Every time I think I am over this hump, this shit starts up again and it terrifies me. I pray relentlessly that it was just because my vitamin contained a lot of iron and that it is what set off the pain and not stones that will require yet another surgery. My fifth. And then to remove the stint which will equal 6 surgeries for the same damn thing.

My OCD is out of control. I am terrified that my body is betraying me. Terrified to lose my life. A hundred million things keep going through my mind and all of them are bad. I just want to relax but I am terrified the pain will come back. I am terrified I will be back in the hospital. Terrified of leaving my kids without a mother. Terrified that each surgery is dangerous. Terrified that I will never get better and I will continue to have these "episodes" over and over again.

It kills me inside to be so scared. It kills my soul a bit each time that I worry and yet I am unable to stop worrying. God please help me. Please. Please. Please. PLEASE!!!??

I have an appointment with my GI doc tomorrow and I pray my labs are normal. That way we will know it was not stones and instead something more along the lines of GERD. Not that I want GERD but I don't want a million more surgeries either.

I cried in the hospital room because I was in pain and because I was so terrified. I hate to cry but all of the fear and dread just kept washing over me like emotional waves of shit and I just had to let it all out. I am so very exhausted of all of this. I just want to be healthy again. But I am clearly not. Not until we figure out why I keep getting these painful episodes, Hopefully it is nothing big...hopefully. I wish I could just think that way. But of course having medical OCD fear makes me thinking that way an impossibility.

I m trying to type with the tears falling down my face and my hands shaking. I don't want to be this way anymore. It is enough that I have an anxiety disorder. Actually having a mystery diagnoses on top of it seems to be just too much to handle right now.


So my dear readers/friends....please pray for me, if you are in the habit of praying, and if you aren't please send positive thoughts my way. I could really use them....

Thanks and I will update you as soon as I know just what is going on.

Neurotic Nelly

Randomness of Fears....

I have never been accused of being fancy. I am not a high maintenance kinda gal. I have never paid for a pedicure (my feet are way too ticklish for that). I have rarely gone to an actual salon to get my hair done. I do not get my nails done. I just find getting gussied up by others.....uncomfortable. Or rather awkward and uncomfortable.

It's not that I am shy around people or an introvert. I just find other people...strangers, especially, touching me to be anxiety provoking. And here is where my problems lay.

For Christmas, my handsome, thoughtful, and wonderful husband of twelve years and my little, sweet, cherub like children, all of whom are the apple of my eyes, got me a certificate to get a full body massage. I was so touched by this gesture I had to do everything to hold back the tears. (Yes, I almost blubbered...so what.) I am excited, and thrilled, and yet really apprehensive.

And here's why. I have OCD and that means I can be easily triggered. I am easily distracted by contamination fears and although I want so desperately to feel relieved from all of the stress that can be massaged away, I am also a little scared too. I don't know what body massages entail and so my mind runs away in an OCD laden diatribe....

Like, do I have to be undressed. Surely, if they are going to use lotion or oil, they aren't going to use it on top of my t-shirt. That means that I will eventually have to be undressed in some form. I am not a prude, nor am I overtly self conscious but then again, this lady is a stranger and I don't like to be nakey in front of strangers...call me funny like that. Anxiety starts to build.

And if I have to be naked then I assume that means there will be some sort of a robe to wear. Again the anxiety ramps up a little. How clean is this robe? What is the protocol for washing this robe? Do they have more than one? Will this be a new robe? What about the massage chair? How often is that cleaned? What kind of chemicals do they use to clean the chair with? Are they harmful? Will she wear gloves? Do I wear socks? How clean is the floor? What about the oil/lotion bottles? Are they cleaned after each use? Is there some kind of cleaning regulations held up federally or by the state?  Anxiety ramps even higher. I mean, these are the things that stick in my brain. The worries, the fears, and yes the anxiety.

It seems silly to me that I am afraid of some lady who I will be paying to massage all of my stress away. Surely, she isn't an axe murderer or an ebola crusted massage therapist. It's just OCD being it's peevish and annoying, paranoid self. It is just something I am going to have to push through. Because I deserve a massage and I am going to get one, darn it! I am just going to have to not freak out while putting on the robe that is suspect. I will just have to push through as I lie on the possibly chemical laden massage chair. I will just have to deal with the thought of having some strange person touching me....because it's her job and I deserve a little pampering. I am sure once I get over the initial shock of all of it, I will feel more relaxed and even possibly enjoy myself.

I can do this. It's only a massage for God's sake. It's not like I am walking through a laboratory where they test deadly viruses or a toxic waste dump. It's just a massage chair and some oil. I think I am gonna be okay......

Neurotic Nelly