I am fragmented. There are parts of me that believe in what I do and who I am. Then there are small unorganized nibs floating around in my brain that linger with doubt. Who are you to make such comments? They ask in their accusatory tone. Just who do you think you are? I am not always sure who I am. I mean truly, deeply who I am. I have changed over the years as I grew into a woman. I am not the same person I was when I was ten. I am not even the same as I was a year ago. I know that I am a kind person. That I care too much on occasion. That I am protective of those that I love. That I would give anything for a few minutes more with those that I have lost in this world. I know that I second guess myself. I feel guilty for hurting or offending others with my words real or imagined. It keeps me awake at night. I am overly sentimental. I feel too deeply and give too much. I know that I am often afraid. Afraid that I am not as strong as I see myself. Afraid that I have not been good enough or left any trace of where I have been in my life. That my legacy is just paper lanterns blowing in the breeze. Beautiful to look at but fragile to the touch. I know that I am a good person but is that enough? Is it enough to be good, too care so much for others that it hurts me in the process? That what others say marks me? That how other people feel about me cuts me so deep I could swear the scars are visible? Am I enough?
I have no idea. What I do know, or rather choose to believe, is that I am not all I want to be but I am just enough. Enough of a friend to be loyal, hold your hand and listen to your troubles. Enough of a daughter that I call my mother every day just to see how her day was. Enough of a mother to hold and kiss my children every chance I get and give them everything I have. Enough of a wife that I love my husband with every once of my being. That I will stand by his side, rooted to the ground, till the end of my life. Enough of a person that I will help you if you fall. That I will cry with you. That I will offer whatever I can. Because to not would go against everything that lives inside my soul. Enough of a writer that I keep typing away, even though I have no idea what the worth of my writing is. I am just enough of everything that I need to be. Having an mental illness has not made me less of a person but it has changed me. Not for the better or for the worse. It has fragmented me. It has made me just enough.
Neurotic Nelly
I do not own this image.
Beautiful word. I often feel similarly. Wondering just what my worth is. Because mostly the only person I talk to is Somewhere, my Lab. She is such a good listener, never talks but says volumes to my heart with those honey gold eyes of her's. Most people I call friend and family are on Facebook, which is quite okay with me. So yeah, feeling and feeling being left alone, I have to wonder what my worth is. How is what I do on Facebook, The Poet Mind and in some very small part, all the Google communities I belong to enough to be the change I want to be? As you said, I can't change the world per say, but I can change me, and that is all the world to me, so I guess in a way I can change the world. One person at a time as they come and go from my world. And that is enough! Not just something, but, everything! I am for a reason. I am a purpose. I am needed in this world, the single hardest thing for me to realize and believe. My mark left behind may be invisible, my legacy may not be a remembered one, but that doesn't matter, right here, right now does. And that's where I am every passing moment. Thank you for sharing your deep, insightful words, you made a small difference in my world.
ReplyDeleteThank you Scott. I appreciate your comment. We can all change the world one person at a time.
ReplyDeleteI love your descriptive writing and the worth of your writing is immeasurable as it gives an insight into your world and gives us courage to be just as truthful. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteAwe, thank you very much Nora. That is so kind of you to say. Your comment has made my day.
ReplyDeleteThe intimacy of your writing really engages me. Thank you for the peek into your world.
ReplyDeleteThank you very much Jennifer. Thank you for reading. It means a lot to me.
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