Fall

Fall is my favorite time of year. The earth calms. The air stills. The leaves turn into glorious shades of red, orange, yellow, and brown. The peach ones are my favorite. The air is warm but the breeze is slightly nippy. I feel one with the universe. I am calm. I get to wear sweaters. As someone who grew up in Texas I never knew the magnificence of sweaters. I also have an affinity for hats and scarves. I really want a Doctor Who scarf. It's three times as long as a normal scarf and it has ugly colors in it that should never go together and yet it is perfect. My nerdiness knows no bounds. I actually squealed when I saw the Doctor Who screw driver at toys r us. Squealed. Like a preteen girl at a One Direction concert. My oldest son was so embarrassed. Sigh. I mean really what does a grown woman need with a plastic toy Dr. Who screwdriver? Where was I? Oh yes, Fall.  Did I mention it lit up and made the sonic screwdriver noises?
Ok. Ok. Seriously back to Fall. Something about Fall makes me feel less out of touch. It makes me feel like I belong. I haven't the faintest idea why. Maybe because like the leaves I am changing. Maybe it's because the trees are shedding their old selves and preparing to grow anew. Maybe it is because the world looks so colorful and I am nothing if I am not colorful. I see hope in Fall. It smells different. It smells of wood burning fireplaces and hot cocoa with tiny marshmallows. It is cold noses and warm flushed cheeks. It is playing in huge piles of leaves and football at the park. It soothes the harsh burns of summer. It heals something inside me and it always has. I feel less lost. Less of an outcast. Less mentally defunct. There are no patterns for my OCD to obsess about. Everything is gloriously unorganized and it is beautiful. It is so beautiful that at times I forget the ugliness inside of me. The ugly mental illness that plagues me. It is abusive to me. It is a damaged, unhealthy,cold, unforgiving cancer that eats away at all that is good in me. It's words are vile. It's words are hurtful. It never let's me forget that I fail at being normal. But Fall's beauty erases all that. It steals my breath away. It quiets the ugliness. It quiets my mind. It heals me. And it helps that I really like hot cocoa with tiny marshmallows.
Neurotic Nelly