This Is Me

Fear has been my constant companion. He has been my imaginary friend. He has cloaked me in his shroud of guilt. I have shared imaginary cookies and tea with him at my childhood tea parties. He has tucked me in at bedtime. Brushed back my hair as I slept fitfully through the night. He has borrowed my favorite crayons while we drew stick figures in my coloring books. He has played paper dolls with me. Fear has kissed my cheek and patted me on my head and told me what a good little girl I am. He has watched me as I grew. Always there. Always lingering in the shadows. He fills my heart and clenches it tight. He guides many of my decisions. He is always trying to rule my life. We have a love and hate relationship. I hate him and he loves me. He is jealous of my more reclusive friend Happiness. Happiness has some commitment issues and runs away when Fear stops by for a visit.  Happiness is a fair-weather friend. He never sticks up for me. Happiness really needs some therapy. Fear is an unwanted guest that refuses to leave and sits on my couch eating everything in the house and watches my t.v. Fear needs to get a job and pay rent or move out.
Fear has kept me from being who I could be. He utters false assurances that he can not back up. You will be ok but just don't do this or you can't do that what will people think? He refuses to let me be.
When I started this blog, I wanted to be open and honest. I wanted to shed light on my OCD and how I live with it. OCD is shrouded in fear. I was hoping my words could help others and maybe soothe my agitated soul. That it would heal me in ways I have not been able to on my own. Yet again, Fear has stepped in. He wanted me to hide behind the curtain like the wizard and say my truths as long as I hid my face. Mental illness has stigma and Fear eats stigma for breakfast. The truth of the matter is, I am afraid. Afraid that once I put my face on my blogs that I have owned them and all that are in them. That I knowingly own my own pain. That I knowingly come out of the shadows I have dwelled in all of my life and stand unprotected and vulnerable. That I can not escape my truth of being who I am. It's is absolutely terrifying.

But, I decided something last night as Fear tucked me into bed as he always does.I can not write about standing up for others and ending stigma if I am too afraid to own my own words. If I can not step out of the shadows long enough to show my face, how can I expect anyone else to? How can I talk about accepting myself and hide behind the curtain like a scared little girl? How can anyone take what I say seriously if I can not even put my face on it? Something that I believe with all of my heart has a purpose in my life and I am afraid of what that means.So this long winded and redundant post is me grabbing my more elusive friend Courage and and taking a step towards what I want to be in life. I want to be something I have never been before. I want to be proud of myself. I want my kids to be proud of their mom. I want my family to be proud that for once I didn't let fear turn me back from something I want and I need to do.I want to live a life not shrouded in fear. I want to step up and say this is me.  And, if the people that I didn't want to know, find out my deepest darkest secrets that I have hidden all of my life, then I am going to be ok. I can do this. I can be beautiful and whole and me at the same time. And, Fear I want my crayons back.