Saturday, May 4, 2013


Last night was a pain in the butt. I had insomnia, as usual. I went to bed around two a.m. only to be woken up by drunk neighbors down the street. Now, I am all for fun and laughs, but holy God, can you please have that fun and laughs in your house? Sheesh. I mean, you don't see me hootin' and hollerin at three in the morning in my driveway do you? If I don't start getting some better sleep I may end up getting slap happy and doing that, see how they appreciate it. I wanted to yell out a stream of obscenities at them and stamp my feet shaking my fist in the air. I ,however, chose to do the smart thing and hold my breath. If I can't breathe than I can't say something I will regret.  I don't know maybe I am just old.

I have realized that lately I have been under a lot stress. I have been obsessing about my medical tests for my next surgery. Turns out they came back excellent. I worry about my health and yet I smoke. I am pretty sure that I am a hypocrite, either that or I am in love with the term of irony. I am in the process of trying to quit.
I am also dealing with anxiety with the thought of my next surgery sometime in June. I know that I am going to have an anxiety attack right before they wheel me back in the operating room. I always do.They usually put me in the hall right before the operation, to keep my crying and breathing funny from disturbing the "normal" patients. Not that I blame them, I hate having those and the loss of control over my emotions. I have actually gotten to see how they prepare for my surgery. Not something I needed or wanted to know. It  is scary enough without having OCD play a part. Are those machines cleaned regularly? When was this floor last mopped? Why is it so damn cold in here? I don't ask these questions but they do go through my mind. And, yes, I know why it is cold in there. To prevent bacteria. I have OCD, do think I am not firmly aware of bacteria? I have to control my thoughts so I hold my breath for a few seconds.
Last night I sat alone on my porch in the dark. The air was warm and balmy with a slight cool breeze. It was quiet except the sounds of the leaves rustling and the tree limbs occasionally squeaking with the wind. It was peaceful and I felt calm and relaxed. It was nice, because although, I seem to be laid back, it is really an act. Always under the surface is a current of anxiety and stress. Coiling underneath the skin like a snake just waiting for the right opportunity to strike. I can rarely totally relax. I am always concerned about something or worried about an issue. The what if's and why not's are slowly driving me insane. It was nice to be able to breathe and just listen to the world outside my mind, even for just a second. I decided that I seriously have to let go of somethings in my life. I have to relax a little more. If I don't allow myself to enjoy the moment then I am missing out on to many moments that I can't get back. I need to learn to stop holding my breath and learn to breathe deeply. Say whatever I need to say and stop holding back. I need to give myself a break.
I don't take myself too seriously, so I should be able to let the stress go every now and then. I am not Atlas, and I do not have to hold the world on my shoulders all of the time. I can allow myself to drop the world for a few moments, after all I can always pick it back up tomorrow. I am only responsible for myself. I have no control over the world around me. I want to be able to relax and breathe in the world rather than trying to hold it up. Breath in the scents of life. Breathe in the warmth of the sun. Breathe in and let the stress out. Breathe and let myself actually experience myself in the moment. Take a damn breath already. I am taking a breath. I am breathing. This is me breathing. [tweet this].
                                Neurotic Nelly

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