Friday, May 3, 2013


I Internalize. I admit it. I am not sure why I do this. I am sure it has something to do with my OCD. I am positive it is damaging to my self esteem.
I rarely get angry, but when I do I do not react right away. Instead I internalize to see if somehow I am at fault or if I am going overboard with my emotions. I have to process how I feel first. I have to dissect every moment leading up to the upset. It's kind of like holding poison in your mouth. You want to spit it out but first you need to really think about why you have poison in your mouth to begin with. The longer you think the more risk of some of the poison seeping into your bloodstream by dribbling down your throat.
Case in point, I have a dear friend who is like a sister to me. She has a very exhausting work schedule and a family life. Sometimes we do not speak for a couple of weeks. It is understandable that she is busy. Last time I talked to her she seemed distracted and I let her go. I debated on whether to call her today because I internalized. I started to feel like maybe I was being a burden. Maybe I offended her in some way. Maybe she and I are growing apart and she isn't interested in talking to me. Maybe she is tired of me.
Now, I know that is most likely not the case as we have been like sisters for over twenty years. I know that this is just my mental illness showing again and yet the feelings are still there. It hurts me and it is silly because she would never treat me like the way I am treating myself.
I internalize every situation and take stock of if it is my fault. Everything always feels like it is my fault. Maybe I am too self involved. I do not control the world around me ,after all so how could it possibly be my fault for everything. It is an struggle not to fall into old habits and self hate.
I know a couple of people who don't like to call people because they feel like they are being a burden or interrupting something important. My dad used to do that. He was always unsure of calling me, which is silly because I love talking to him. It took almost a year to convince him that I would take time to talk to him even if I was having dinner with the pope. Because I love him and what he has to say is important to me. I don't know why we think like this about ourselves. Like ,somehow, we are not good enough for even just a five minute phone call. That we bother people by calling or saying hi.
It is self damaging to allow these thoughts in our heads. We have to realize that it does not mean that we are disliked or bad. We are not burdens of offensive. Sometimes other people are just really busy and need to call us back. Sometimes we need to just stop internalizing and taking it out on ourselves. We wouldn't allow someone to talk to us like we talk to ourselves. We wouldn't allow others to treat us the way we treat ourselves. We deserve to treat ourselves the way we want others to treat us. [tweet this]. We are not responsible for every wrong that happens in the world, but we are responsible for how we view ourselves. I am not going to beat myself up because my friend is too exhausted to talk to me right now. I am just going to let her call me when she is ready to.
                                        Neurotic Nelly


  1. So amazingly true. It's easy to wonder and second-guess and start to doubt. My best friend and I do the same thing to each other even though, like you, we've known each other for over twenty years. :)

  2. Thank you Jennifer! I hate that this happens to us. I have no idea why we do this to ourselves, except that maybe we have insecurity that we are worthy of such friendship. We, of course, are but sometimes it can be a battle to believe in our own worth as individuals.

  3. I cannot express enough how much I related to this post. I also internalize and live my life under a burden of guilt and anxiety...over everything. I do not see myself as worthy and struggle with understanding why I have such a hard time with this. I can cheer others on and I understand my insecurities, yet can never consider myself important enough. It has only been recently that I am trying to challenge my thinking and never considered my internalizing as a 'process' to how I feel about things...I know this is silly considering how simple the concept is...but thank you for your insight and I loved how you considered your situation with your friend.

  4. Thank you so much Debbie! I think we all suffer from feeling like this. It is so hard to relearn to accept ourselves, but we can. :)

  5. Hi Nelly...wonderful reading. Can I ask if I can feature this on my website. I'm a psychologist working in Milton Keynes and have just started my first website and I'm looking for people who are confident enough to share their experiences.

    Created a sort of community there.

    I am happy to link back to your blog.


  6. I would be honored. Thank you for reading and wanting to use my post. It means a lot to me. I would love a link back. I know you know this but for saftey reasons I have to state that the only expierence I have with mental illness is that I have one. I am not a doctor or have any medical training. I have to put that out there occasionally for legal reasons. Just in case. Thank you so much and I really truly honored. :)