Tuesday, May 7, 2013


Life is like a crazy circus. We are all crazy clowns attempting to juggle our own balls.

............................Um, that didn't sound quiet like I thought it would....................Let me try again......

Life is like a crazy circus. We are all crazy clowns trying to juggle crazy balls.

.............................Erm....No that doesn't sound right either.................................

Ok, life is like a crazy circus. We all have a roll to play. Some of us are lion tamers, ticket takers, high wire acts, and some of us are clowns. We all are jugglers. We all juggle the things we hold dear in our lives. Family, careers, our hopes and dreams.  We juggle them and hope for the best. To not juggle them would be to drop them onto the floor and no one wants to drop the things they love.
Having a mental illness is like trying to juggle with only one arm. To keep the things important to you from falling, you juggle faster. You juggle longer and if not careful it will catch up to you. At some point you have to make a decision. Which ball are you going to put down? Your family, your job, your dreams, your responsibilities? Which ball are you willing to let go of? Not that we want to let go of any of them, but the harder and faster you juggle the more exhausted you become. The more exhausted you become , the more likely you will end up dropping all of them. So it becomes a choice. Try harder and faster and fail, or take a step back and examine your life.
Many people go through their lives juggling all of their issues and desires at one time. They forget to take a break. They forget to take stock in their mental and physical needs.  Mental illness is a brick wall. Some are doing so well they do not see the brick wall before they slam into it. They are so stunned by the wall that has appeared, that they drop all of items they were juggling onto the floor. They are so confused and exhausted they are unable to pick them back up. They are not sure how to proceed and become angry that they can not do what they once were able to.  They do not know yet, that you have to relearn how to pick up things and juggle them.

When I was in the mental hospital I wanted to learn to juggle. I tried and tried and all I could keep in the air was two balls. I was never able to juggle three. It took me a while to get that I was too uncoordinated to juggle three. That all I needed at the time was to be able to juggle two, and that is perfectly acceptable. I don't need to get ahead of myself. I can do only what I can do, and that is just fine. My mental illness has made me unable to juggle everything at once. I can juggle some things most of the time. I can juggle more things on a good day, but I am not able to juggle everything at one time. I don't need to. I just need to make sure what I am juggling is where it needs to be. That what I am juggling is the important things and all the other things can rest at my feet. I juggle family, responsibility and my daily routines that need to be done for my home to work the way it should. I had to drop a couple of things because in the scheme of things, the most important to me is my children, my husband, my family, and my friends. They have to be my first ball to juggle. I took stock and I am fine with the decisions I made. If I juggle too much at once, then I never get to fully experience the moments that matter. A quiet morning coffee with my husband. A lullaby sung to my kids. If I am constantly trying to keep everything going, I am not truly present in the moments I want to be present in. And I so desperately want to be completely present in them. I don't want to be too exhausted to participate in them. Life has no do overs and I want to do the best that I can. I want to be the best mother and wife, daughter, and friend that I can be. I will make mistakes but, hey,  life is full of mistakes. So if I need to drop something, I drop it. If I need to put down an issue, I do. I can always pick it up later and juggle it when I am able to give it the time and attention it needs. Not everything has to be done at the same time. [tweet this].  I can choose to not do it that way.
                                                        Neurotic Nelly

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