Monday, March 10, 2014

Keep on....

I have been so stressed. So stressed I feel like everything inside me is wound up too tightly like a cheap pocket watch. Like my springs are about to pop and my gears are about to break. My shoulders have been so tense that I swear to God, I could chop wood with them. I have been in a state of constant nausea. I have lost the ability to sleep with any kind of normalcy, even for an insomniac. In the last four days I have slept only six hours. I am exhausted but too stressed to relax. Too freaked out to fall asleep. Too full of anxiety and worry to nod off.

My face is puffy and the circles under my eyes are so dark it looks like someone used my eyes for a punching bag. And I don't think I have ever been so stressed out in my entire life. I am almost certain if I can't distract myself I will end up having a heart attack. I now understand the meaning behind the phrase mental distress.

It all started with my oldest child's school again. Let's just say a teacher was extremely rude to me, refused to make any plan to help my son, and laughed at me while telling me to stop making excuses for my son. This was about a homework assignment that he spent two hours writing that she marked as a zero because he forgot to put a title on it. He is in college prep classes but has a learning disability and is expected to be able to keep up with the gifted kids and even those kids find what she teaches a struggle. No exceptions, no behavior modification plan, no support. Nothing. He gets nothing and because of that he is failing. I am devastated, frustrated, and just plain angry. I called the school board, the principal, and now a lawyer. I am sick of this shit.

I am worried when I send him to school. He has so little self esteem left and I feel like those teachers just suck the little bits left, out of him. Like self esteem leaches or something. I worry about him coming home with the self defeated look on his face and him calling himself stupid...again. I am his mother, he is struggling, and I am worried. I don't know what else to do to make it better. The teachers refuse to help so I feel helpless. We are supposed to be working together to help support my son. It isn't happening.

It doesn't just upset me because they are being totally unprofessional and in my opinion harassing ( that is upsetting by itself), but it brings up all of my anxieties I had in school dealing with my OCD. I had to drop out because my anxiety attacks became so bad. I feel like that every morning now. Not an attack because I have to go to school but an attack because he has to. My anxiety is going overboard and I can not seem to get it under control. It ebbs away only to flash back and slap me in the face again. I am so tired.

I am hoping the lawyer can scare them enough to make them act and stop dragging their heels until school is out, which is what I believe they are doing. I hope that by me taking legal action they will never end up doing this to another person with a learning disability. That they will understand that this is damaging to the child and just plain wrong. I hope anyway. It all makes me very sad and it makes me feel helpless and I so detest feeling that way.

Because I have OCD I haven't been able to shake loose from thinking about it. I cant get the sound of her voice while she snickered at me out of my head. The way my pulse raced and my heart started beating rapidly like I had just got done running a marathon while she insulted my son and tried to intimidate me over the phone. I can not stop worrying about whether my son was chastised in class for his not being able to focus in class again. It has truly become an anxiety ridden hell for me the last few days. I so hope that the lawyer can do something. I hope, I hope, I hope.

I am not sure how long this takes but I hope to God it starts moving  faster or I may never be able to sleep again at this rate. I am going to tty and remain positive. Try being the optimal word here. Oh well, here's hoping it all gets worked out, my son gets the help he not only needs but deserves, and that some of this anxiety takes a damn vacation.

Until next time peeps, keep on keeping on.
Neurotic Nelly


10 comments:

  1. First off, that teacher who laughed at you and put your son down like that, is for all intents and purposes, the scum of the earth and I hope they suffer for there horrific treatment of you and your poor son. There is no way in hell they can get away with that shit. It is disgusting and demeaning belittling anyone, especially someone with a disability. I hope you get justice. You both deserve it.
    I have diagnosed OCD too. I know only too well how much it can make your life a living hell, especially when your under so much stress. Its like feeding logs to a fire. When you get a chance, only if you haven't done it already, have a look into Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, it works wonders. I did it, it helped a lot. I know it doesn't fully get rid of the OCD, well it didn't for me, but it can definitely help lighten your burden a significant amount.
    I just want you to know you are not alone and you are not helpless. It takes strength too keep going and not throw in the towel.Your still standing and that's proof right there of your own strength. You stood up for your son and your fighting for what you believe in, a helpless person wouldn't do that. Your a strong woman Nelly.

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  2. Thank you so much Stephen. I really appreciate that. Sometimes it is so to get caught up in all of the stress. I know exactly what you are talking about with the OCD and stress factor. It can be a real pain to stop the cycle. Ugh. Thank you so much for your support! :)

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  3. Hi Nelly. You becoming unwell is not going to help your son in the long run. You say you have a lawyer on the case so why employ him and at the same time keep worrying as if you have to sort this out yourself. Let him do what he is trained for. This will give you time to gather yourself. Don't let others rob you of your peace (remember this) because that's what' happening here. We all love our children but we also learn that we cant protect them from everything. Your an excellent communicator so you can be sure the school knows how you feel. Try get some rest, go for a walk or just work off your anxiety chopping logs or anything else you fancy. But look after yourself. Remember one day you will look back on this and wonder just why you let it bother you so much. Finally you son should be proud to have a mum like you. Best wishes and chill out.

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  4. I am coming here and I am back! "Hold On - Rusko"

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  5. Thank you Michael, I am really trying to relax. Been dong a lot of hose painting to try and keep my mind off things. It seems to help. I really appreciate your support!

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  6. I hate that you and your son are having to go through this, and I know how hard it is to think of anything else when something so stressful is happening. (((Hugs))) I have been very stressed about a situation in my life as well, to the point that my chest is hurting all the time...I know I NEED to relax and just let go of what I can't control, but knowing it and actually being able to do it are two very different things.

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    1. You are so right Amy. Needing to and doing are to different things. It has been really difficult and often times i feel like I am banging my head against the wall. Thank you so much, I hope your stress ebbs away shortly.

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  7. +NellyN. As mother's, it's ingrained in us to defend our children at all costs. I have been in similar situations with my own children when dealing with bad teachers, coaches, etc. and there are many out there. However, I do agree with the feeling that your children depend on you for so many other things and getting yourself to this point, isn't helping anyone in the family. Let the lawyer take on the difficult task of dealing with the lack of support from the school administration, while you utilize your time doing some physical activity (the only thing that truly helped my severe insomnia) as well as spending time doing things with your children to help with the self esteem issues. I've been in a state of severe stress lately dealing with the care of my elderly mother and dementia. I've realized that I've been in an almost constant foul mood around my family which isn't fair as they ARE helpful and supportive to me. I understand all too well the feelings of helplessness and hopelessness, but, recognizing them are the first step in making some changes. I've gone back to the gym (my blood pressure was getting dangerously high) and use relaxation music with headphones and my smartphone to help in shutting off my brain and getting more sleep, with success!

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    1. Thank you Suzanne. I am trying to stress relieve by painting my house. It gets my mind occupied and it helps my OCD to have my home look fresh and clean. Also I kinda like the smell. Lol. It is also decent exercise, so there is always that. I am hoping the lawyer can get all of this crap sorted out. I am glad you found a good stress reliever and that things are going better for you. I can totally relate with the being consumed, that is for sure.

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