So, that massage thingy is going to happen this Monday and I am trying to brave about it. It is way out of my comfort zone but I am going to do it. Why? Because it was a present from my thoughtful husband and children. Because I would love to alleviate some of the stress I am carrying around on my shoulders. Because I deserve to be pampered dammit, even if it means I need to take a brown paper bag with me in case I need to hyperventilate whilst going through it. I can do this.
I learned a good lesson three days ago and I think it is always good to share lessons. Ya know, in case I can spare anyone from making my mistakes. My grievous errors, if you will.
I was letting my bangs grow out. I usually cut them to right under my eyebrows but I thought I would branch out and be cool and have side swept bangs. Again out of my comfort zone, but that is what I am trying to do these days....live outside of the box I have created for myself. (Box or jail cell, whatever term you feel best applies) But, the weather has been unkind to my hair and made it static clingy and frizzy. The bangs refused to stay over the eye I can't see out of and stubbornly hung over the one I can see with. Think unkempt sheep dog. It was irritating me. When I pushed them over, they parted and stuck to the sides of my face like some frizztastic hair mask. A hair mask, people. I got up in the morning after dealing with this crap for two weeks and I snapped. I decided I could not take it, not one second longer or I was going to just shave my whole bang area off like a reverse Harre Krishna. So I got my dull scissors out and chopped them off. However, I had made a miscalculation. I had forgotten the golden rule of cutting hair. Don't do it when it is wet. And do you know why that is the golden rule? Possibly the most important rule of hair cutting, ever? Because it dries shorter. Hang with me here for a sec. I cut them where I usually like them. And then they dried. An inch shorter...... ....... ......
So I am sitting here at almost four in the morning complaining about how my hair looks like a twelve year old girl's circa 1985. When I put my long hair up I look silly, and when I put it down it reminds me somewhat of a mullet. Great, just the look a 34 year old mother of two was going for. Yep, that's all me, business in the front and party in the back. Ugh.
And then I started thinking to myself. (look out!) Is it really wise to make decisions when you are frustrated? Probably not. I have never regretted a decision I have thoroughly thought through and I almost always regret decisions I have made when frustrated, angry, or otherwise in a negative frame of mind. So my advice of the day is, don't make decisions when upset and never cut your hair when it is wet...period. That way when are looking at yourself before you go out and do whatever it is that you do, you won't end up looking like someone maliciously attacked your head with a weed whacker. You can thank me later....
I mean, yea sure it grows out....but not nearly fast enough.
I was also thinking today that I am afraid of a lot of things. That is why I am trying so hard to step out of my comfort zone this year. It is all small steps but small steps lead to bigger ones and before you know it, you are running. That is my positive attitude talking, anyway. Although, I do feel that I am failing at stepping out of the box sometimes.
I am scared. I am scared of failure. To fail at being a good enough mom or a good enough person. I am afraid to reach for the things I want. Lest it be rubbed in my face that I have found yet another thing I stink at doing or can't do altogether. Like working or being "normal". Although, I certainly don't pass for normal after this hair cut debacle, so I guess that ship has sailed. Scared of germs. Scared of invisible diseases. I am scared of losing my loved ones. Scared of being yelled at or hurt. Scared of trusting people. Scared of anxiety. Scared of spiders and rabbits. Scared of having to take the bus. Scared of the what if's. Scared of messing things up. Not getting things right. Being the klutz and absent minded professor I sometimes am. I am just plain scared most of the time. I mean, I don't think that being scared is abnormal. I am not even sure it is a "bad" thing. I do know that I am proud of accomplishing things I never thought I could before. Like this blog and my mental illness G+ group. I am proud that for once in my life I have stepped out from behind the curtain and talked openly about the things I have held shut in so tight because of fear. Because I didn't want to be judged or misunderstood. That is until I realized that being silent wasn't keeping me from being those things. They still happened to me whether I was willing to admit it to myself or not.
I guess, what I am trying to say is that I think being scared of everything is okay, as long as you push on anyway. No, you are not always going to succeed but you can't prevail if you never try. Yes, it will be scary, and uncomfortable, and downright daunting. But it can be done.
I want to be more free. More independent. I want to feel like the adult I know I am. I want to feel proud of myself for once. I want my children to be proud that their momma can do things even though they may seem scary. I want to teach them that fear is normal but perseverance is everything. Nothing good in life is easy. So, I will continue to scratch and claw along and take one step at a time and slowly crawl out of my comfort zone day after day until it finally becomes less scary. Until I can finally see the light and have confidence that I can do the things I have always wanted to....
Until next post, Keep it Fancy....
Neurotic Nelly
Living in so much fear of everything has defiitely been a challenge for me as well. It's easier to just try to avoid those things, though some obviously can't be avoided at all times. I have to work really hard to step out of my comfort zone, to endure what scares me. Most of the time I find it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be. Sometimes I end up having a really bad panic attack, but after that is over, I have never regretted making the effort to try. I think our children view our efforts as success even when we still see failure. My daughters (ages 14 and 11) have told me that they are proud of me. That gives me tears of joy, of accomplishment, though I still fight the urge to feel guilty. I want to be the brave grown up to them, not like a child who needs encouragement. But still, it's a step in the right direction, and that's all any of us can do...just take it step by step.
ReplyDeleteThank you Amy, I couldn't agree more! We are pretty brave if you think about it. I mean we do keep trying and that has to stand for something.
DeleteI think you are right, it is okay to be scared as long as you still try. Some of the bests things can come out if taking a risk, it's just hard to get courage!! You will be good enough, and you can at least day that you tried- which better than saying you didn't even give it a chance! Good luck with your message! The bangs will grow back :) have a good weekend friend!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much Savanna! I hope you have a magnificent weekend as well! :)
DeleteThe hair cutting thing reminded me of how I used to go nutty every year (and not notice), lock myself in the bathroom, and chop off all my long hair into about a chin-length bob with bangs. I couldn't stop myself, and I'd stay in there for hours, itchy and covered in hair. This went on for years until I told a significant other to put away the fucking scissors. I did good though. I had always cut my own hair anyway. I would just regret it in the next few days.
ReplyDeleteI think being scared of things is ok to a certain point, too, especially because once you do those things or overcome them, you find out how they weren't really scary, or how much more brave you have become, and kids will see that too. :)
PS Thanks so much for putting me on your blog roll! :D
ReplyDeleteFrankie I can so relate, except that I have no business using scissors on my hair. Lol. I absolutely am honored to put your blog on blog roll!
ReplyDelete