It happened again. I'm not sure why and I will never really understand it, anyway. It's above my pay grade or above my head or above me somehow in some way that I am unaware of.
Sometimes I think it's me. Maybe they can't handle my problems. Maybe I'm too screwed up. Maybe I said the wrong thing. Maybe I'm not good enough. Maybe I am too needy. Maybe I am too annoying. Maybe this is all my fault and this is all I deserve.....And then I realize I am too good for this shit and maybe that person is just an asshat and it has nothing to do with me at all.
Some people for whatever reason, can't handle things or run away from things, or are just, in general, not willing to be an integral part of your life. They can't stand to be needed or wanted or there, so the turn away. They simply turn away from you.
This can leave gaping holes in your life. Deep gashes that refuse to heal. Infections that spread throughout your life like poison.
My "real" father, excuse me as I try not to laugh at that phrase, didn't want me. Well, he didn't mind I was around, just as no one knew I was his. Something he still does even though he admits I am his to my face. It's just everyone else's face that seems to be the problem.
Then the man that raised me turned away from me as well. It wasn't a loud, sharp, noticeable severing of a relationship. No, it has been a slow withering, a soft dying away. No matter how hard I try and reach out, he rebuffs me. He denies me the simple words such as I care, I am proud of you, or even I love you. It is beyond painful. I take it in and hold it. I cradle the pain close to my heart like a newborn. I cradle it like I have all of those times before, the many bundles of agony that have come before this one. I weep and agonize and ruminate. In essence, I find excuses for their behavior or ways to blame myself. Surely, the fact that this keeps happening to me is somehow my fault.
And then I get angry. Because I am worth so much more than that. I am worth so much more than paltry excuses and blaming. I am worth more than being ignored or unaccepted. I don't deserve that treatment, no one does.
The phoenix rises from the ashes. The tigress walks out of the jungle, the anger builds, and my self confidence refuses to be dinged and damaged yet again because two grown men can't play like adults. Two men that should have been there in my life, can't stop being selfish and rude long enough to do so. How the hell is that my fault?
Some people in this life are too wrapped up in themselves or are totally oblivious to what is going on. They are not able to be who you need them to be or to do what you need them to do. Some are unable or unwilling to give you what you need and you can sit around beating a dead horse to try and get it, or you can pick yourself up off the floor and move on. You can cry in the corner and blame yourself, or you can see them for what they really are, turn aways. Those that run at the first sight of trouble. Those that bury their heads in the sand. Those that flee when times are hard. Those that turn away from you when you needed them most.
I have to take a step back from the pain and remember that I do not define my self worth from others. I would like their approval but I don't really need it. I would like their love and acceptance but I don't have to have it. It's painful not to be loved or accepted or even approved of, but it doesn't make me any less of who I am. Of who I strive to be.
I am strong. I am ferocious. I am fierce, loving, and good. I am sweet and kind. I am sensitive, honest, and all the things I was taught to be. I am respectful and funny and completely loyal. I am great. I am a great person, no matter my issues and sometimes because of them. Because I understand things in way other normal people might not. Because I keep trying even after I get burned over and over again. Because I refuse to back down, quit, or give up. Because I feel and I refuse to pretend otherwise or hide the fact. Because I love, I breathe, and I cry. I am me.
It has taken thirty four years to get to where I am now, to who I am now. And I'll be damned if I let someone else just come in and try to destroy the very best parts of me because they "feel" like it. I have scrimped and clawed for every ounce of self confidence I own. I have fought and battled for my sense of self worth. I have earned every stitch of this brownie badge of courage in therapy, because I have delved and looked into the deep, darkened, black places in my soul, no one else dared to tread. I have built up my own self esteem brick by brick, layer by layer, year after year. And that does not depend on who likes me or who accepts me. It depends on if I like me and if I accept the person I have become. So you see, although it hurts when others turn away from me, I don't need approval. I don't need their love. I don't need their acceptance to be whole or their opinions for me to have self worth. I already gave myself that. I don't need to base myself on the reactions of others because what matters is how I feel about myself. I don't need approval or acceptance or self worth from others, I already posses them. I already own them. Sometimes I need to be reminded of that...Sometimes I just need to remind myself of that..