Tomorrow is going to be super busy for me. I have to clean because I have family coming over. Not that it matters who is coming over, I must clean anytime someone comes over. It wouldn't matter if it were the Pope, the President, my mother, or the pizza delivery guy. If someone is coming over I have base boards to scrub, floors to vacuum, and smells to eradicate. They may not even be real smells, but they will be eradicated none the less. I will simply freak if someone thinks my house smells. UGH!
So, tomorrow is Christmas Eve and I am trying not to panic. Not to be overwhelmed. Not to get so excited I can't fall asleep until five a.m. Not sure if it will work, but I am trying.
To all my many readers, I am so grateful for you. You have all supported me and lifted me up in my times of woe. Many of you have left encouraging comments that have helped me greatly. Even if you haven't left comments, the fact that you take the time to read my posts, alone have truly been healing for me. I can not tell you how amazing it is that I have been given a voice and you are the the reason I have that voice. When once I was muted from my mental illness and fear of judgment, you all have given me back my ability to speak. My ability to feel. And, dare I say it, a semblance of self esteem that had been vacant in my life for so long. I am immensely grateful for that.
Christmas is almost here, and I know that many families will be burning the roofs of their mouths by sipping hot chocolate and singing carols so loud their throats get sore. Many will be looking at the Christmas lights twinkling like dew drops, and cooking away for the Christmas feast. That one crazy Uncle of yours will drink too much alcoholic eggnog and dance bad enough to embarrass everyone that knows him personally. Some might even record it and post it on facebook. I know that many celebrate Hanuka instead and they have the spinning tops and other wonderful traditions as well. I think it is wise to remember that while for some of us this is the best time of year, it isn't that way for everyone. To us it brings comfort and togetherness. The simple act of giving gifts and watching the faces of your loved ones light up. The smell of Christmas firs decorated with care and peppermint cookies baking in the oven. It fills our hearts with glee.
But there is another side to the Holidays. For as many of us that love the holidays and are comforted by them, many of us find no comfort during the Holiday Season. For some of us this is the hardest time of the year. It can leave us feeling secluded, ostracized, and alone. It can leave us feeling depressed. It can wreck havoc on our anxiety levels, our feeling of safety, and our self esteems. It can be not a day of love and joy, but instead a day of object terror, frustration, or sadness.
So, for all of my readers and beyond, I am making a wish this year for Christmas. I am wishing you not just the proverbial Merry Christmas most people give out, but also a peaceful Christmas. A Christmas/Hanuka where you do not feel alone, because you never are really alone. I wish a safe Christmas, where you feel safe and not afraid. One without anxiety or sadness. One where you feel and know that that there are many out there that know exactly how you feel and we get what battles you are dealing with. I wish that you know how strong you are and brave and beautiful. I wish that this Holiday Season is easier for you than the last one and so on and so on until Christmas is no longer a well in which you are afraid to fall down and drown in. I wish it to be full of not only joy but understanding from your peers and loved ones. I wish that you can have a few moments of happiness and bliss. I wish that this Christmas, you too feel valid and worthy like you all have helped me to feel. I wish that you can be relaxed and calm. I wish that you find hope because everyone needs hope and you are worth hoping for. You are worth all of the hope and wishes and prayers in the entire world. I wish that this year you get all that you want but at the very least get what you need to keep going, keep fighting, and keep trying because you deserve all of the beautiful things life has to offer.
I hope that everyone will have a peaceful, safe, wonderful Christmas and even if it gets tough, always remember you are worthy. You are valid. You are magnificent. You are beautiful. You have nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed about. Keep your chin up, because you are strong, you are fierce, and you are never alone.
Merry Christmas my dear readers, my dear friends, my fellow sufferers....